Am I right/wrong to be upset that I’ll be alone on Christmas Day?

Personally I think it’s not so much the being alone on Christmas Day but the thoughtlessness. I am usually invited to go along to my daughters in-laws. Sometimes I accept but other times just the fact that I was asked and not forgotten makes an enormous difference. To me Christmas is not just an another day.

This is a difficult one. I wonder if your daughters have discussed it between themselves- they may not really understand how you feel and also they have their own families to take into consideration. I am very lucky as my husband has the same family values as I do and would never see my parents on their own at Christmas (unfortunately both his parents have now passed away). However we have noted that my brother and sister-in-law never invite my parents at Christmas!

Rusume

Jaylou good idea re the presents! That’s what I’ll do! I should say that I do understand my younger one not wanting to host as she’ll be almost nine months pregnant then and it’s a lot to do. I’m just a bit upset that she didn’t bother to tell me this, although she told her dad as he’s made other arrangements.

I wonder if they didn't say anything because they were embarrassed or worried about what you would say. My sister and I used to talk about how to frame things with our mother because we just knew that we would get little digs from the moment we told her to the middle of the following year. We already felt bad enough but there were other factors to consider too. Also, if your daughter is going to be heavily pregnant, her sister may not have felt that her plans should be scuppered by that.
It is very hard for you but try to reframe it in your mind that your children will be happier if you are happy for them. As other people say, it is just one day out of many days so how they treat you the rest of the year is far more important. In our area, there is often a drive to get people who are going to be alone to join each other for dinner. Who knows, if you went onto one of your local forums (like NextDoor) you might find that there are several people in the same boat. Alternatively, volunteering might be something you would enjoy.

I would be upset especially after what we have all been through.
I don’t know what I would do ,it is just one day but it supposed to be a special day.
I feel for you .
I have spent Christmas Day on my own if the weather is ok I go out for a walk and try to treat myself to something nice

I think they could have had a discussion so it’s alternate years with your daughters . Or one of them can pop in on you for evening buffet or breakfast on the way to their in laws ? I also think it’s unsympathetic of people going on about what ‘we’ do which is different to being on your own. I just hope you have a lovely day however it ends up .

Suggest another date to have your Christmas on at some point during the festive week or just after. My kids, when they were little, always went to their father. I had a lovely relaxing day at home and we had a proper Christmas day when they came back - but with food we really enjoyed! I still do this today and I live alone as well. Just chill and move the feast.

I was on my own one particular Christmas so went away on a singles break - it was great

Your sons in law surely deserve Christmas with their families once in a while?

When people suggest asking the in laws if their mother could be included, one reason could well be that none of them live around the corner, and there may well be no room for an extra person to stay.

I’m sometimes bemused at how often people seem to think that everyone has family close by.

My own mother was once due to come to us for Christmas, but shortly before I was leaving to pick her up on Christmas Eve - along with sister and niece who were visiting from the US - there was a phone call to say she’d really rather stay quietly at home - too many people, noise, etc.

Fair enough. I took her presents and some nice food anyway, drove the 60 miles each way to fetch sister and niece.

Roll on a few hours - everyone else was out - and there was a furiously angry phone call. What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve?? I was a terrible daughter, she was cutting me out of her will, etc. etc.

It was down to early dementia, but devastating nonetheless. Of course I offered to go and pick her up this minute anyway - no, she didn’t want that either.

I was in tears for ages, but thankfully, when I phoned on Christmas Day, she’d forgotten all about it.
Dementia is a bastard.

I can totally understand why it is so upsetting.
It's very little to do with how you spend the day if you are alone. It's about what appears to be the lack of recognition and acknowledgement you are alone.
So much emphasis is placed on a Christmas packed solid with friends/ family/ gifts/ food that to be on ones own on the day is viewed with horror by many.
It doesnt really matter what's happened on previous christmases, it's how this one is making you feel.
As we get older our children's lives get busier and we move more in the background.
My eldest daughter and grandchilderen live several hours drive away. The in laws live near to me. A few years ago they were staying with the inlaws. My youngest daughter had just moved into a flat with her fiance and they were excited about Christmas in there new home. The idea was I would go to them Christmas Eve afternoon and meet eldest and grandchilderen there,have buffet tea and return home. My eldest daughter immediately saw I was on my own Christmas day and my inlaws invited me over there. It was very kind of them,I probably wouldnt have gone but most importantly I felt considered and appreciated! That's what is missing here.
Last year of course was completely different for everyone and due to being CV and of course no vaccination then I did spend the day on my own. It was fine,but then many others were in the same situation!
Good luck Resume. It may be that your daughters are so wrapped up in their lives they have just been a bit thoughtless.

I'll be on my own this year, no different to 6 months of lockdown! But I plan to cook some turkey! Good luck x

Being estranged from my daughters and grandaughters I have been on my own at xmas for the last 10 years, to me its just another day. Every year I skype my son dil and grandson so I can watch him open the presents Ive bought him ( they live over 100 miles away from me). Something Ive got used to now, although it was hard in the beginning, theres loads of lonely people at xmas that no one gives a hoot about.

If that is how you feel, then it is how you feel. It is neither right nor wrong. It just is. Treat yourself to some delicious food, even – especially – if it's not traditional Christmas stuff and your favourite wine or other drink –hang the expense. Make sure you have a joyous movie to watch if you feel like it and a promising book or two read should you want to. When younger family members make decisions about such things as Christmas celebrations, they really have no idea about what it is like to be older. I am sure my daughter thinks that I will live forever and there will always be "another time".

I'm not sure, from the way the OP is worded if previous years both daughters spent Christmas with her, or if they arranged that one or the other would be with Rusume.

I'm sorry you're hurting, Rusume. Christmas is very difficult for so many families, trying to figure out who to see when and how, with so many people wanting a visit.

I don't envy either side of the equation.

I could be wrong, but I think last year there was a Post/Thread running over Christmas for those of us who are alone to chat. It isn't the same, of course, but it is interaction with other people.

I did try to ignore Christmas one year and personally I wouldn't recommend it. If you watch TV or listen to the radio, you can't avoid it and for me, having nothing around me to feel part of it made me feel more lonely. And if you regret not bothering with decorations etc., it's a bit too late to change that on the day.

I am wondering if the ILs will be appalled to learn you are alone when they might well have invited you had they known. Is it possible this could be miscommunication?

Hopefully that is what's happened. If not, try not to think about it too much. Christmas alone can be miserable - you don't need the next few weeks to be miserable too. BUT do try some of the suggestions the other Grans have offered because Christmas alone can be quite enjoyable. Different, but enjoyable.

I totally agree with the OP, I would hate to be on my own on Christmas Day. I spend enough days on my own so would be hard pushed to find something special to do. I eat what I want every day so foodie treats are nothing special. I watch tv sat on my own a lot so again, nothing special! The thought of going away with all the other lonely, needy people gives me nightmares, there is no place more lonely than trying to be jolly with a load of strangers. Physically I cannot go out for a long walk - and how lonely would that be to see other families enjoying being together while I was alone?

I too would feel hurt that no one had considered my feelings. I know I am coming across as needy and selfish but honestly, for people who are alone most days, another day alone when others are with families can be very difficult. Don’t forget, you might belong to lots of clubs and groups as I do but all of them tend to shut down the week before Christmas so the days do drag on.

Im sorry I don’t really have any answers but I do totally understand and I hope you do cope if you end up alone. Im inclined to think I might try to forget it was Christmas Day and treat it like any other day.

Please don't allow it to upset you.

You don't say how physically close you are to your daughters, or where their in-laws are. Are they going to their in-laws, or having them over to their house? There are several options you can take.

Spend the day on your own, in a way that would give you some joy. It could be church, then volunteer, and eat all the snacks you can imagine. You could go away somewhere, or you could stay in bed and watch TV all day. Pre-arrange a facetime call. Make a plan so you have something to look forward to.

Plan an alternate day for your family. It sounds like you rely on them to invite you over; do the opposite. Invite them over for either Boxing Day, Christmas Eve, or any other evening; host a dinner for them, and have the children open their presents at your house. If you're not up to doing dinner, then order in.

If the in-laws are close, I don't think it would be out of order to invite yourself to pop over for a quick afternoon visit, not imposing on a meal. Our house is open-house in the afternoon on Christmas day, and several neighbours and friends will pop by for a drink. That way you get a chance to visit, without intruding. I would only do that if they were physically close though, if they knew you were travelling an hour to see them, then the in-laws might feel they had to ask you to stay.

Please try not to feel sorry for yourself. It sounds like your daughters have so far spent Christmas with you, so their in-laws are due to have their day. Think how lucky you have been so far, and make an alternate plan.

Peasblossom, let’s hope so! Something may change between now and then and I may get invited with them, who knows! I know I have to accept the fact that they’re going and just suck it up!

The expectation of many, that no-one should be alone at Xmas, and that adult children should always be with parents seems quite unreasonable to me.

I think your daughters see you as an independent-minded person who is not dependent on them for your happiness.

Be that person, maybe use some of the ideas given here, and have a lovely day.

I'm sorry this news has come as a shock, Rusume. Is there any chance that someone could set up a family Zoom meeting on Christmas Day to give you all a chance to say hello? (I'm thinking back to last Christmas and the days of lockdown when we were cut off from loved ones)

Hmm, I’m not sure you can really issue an invitation to Christmas at another persons house.

(Says the woman who for many years had not just her own parents, her husbands parents and her sisters husbands parents ?)

I'd be upset as well, Rusume Very natural reaction.

All you can do is get through the day and hopefully catch up with your girls and have another Christmas Day!

We always went to the in-laws on Boxing Day. It worked well

I am not fussed if alone or invited at Xmas. Although I am puzzled, why both daughters could not set a place for you at either house of inlaws. It's more likely to be me that avoids Xmas elsewhere than my own home. I love the solitude, although family think, she must be lonely, I can assure you I am not.

I’ve been alone for Christmas more than once when my children have gone to their partners parents. I’m not going to say in-laws because to the partner they are not in-laws, ?

If this has never happened before to the OP, that must mean that for a number of Christmas the partners families have not had their children with them.

Somebody has to be the one that doesn’t have their children on Christmas Day. For many years I never had my middle son because his partners mum “was on her own” so had to be deferred to. Even after my own husband died.

On the plus side, it does occur to me that if your pregnant daughter is with the other side this year, you will get first dibs next year for the baby’s first Christmas ?

That's what I thought Elizabeth

I've never seen my granddaughters on Christmas Day as my dil always invites her mother and partner to them. My son and dil are now getting divorced so I have no idea when I'll see any of them