Mum won't come fir Christmas

So many people complain about the 'necessity' of rushing around visiting relatives at xmas - yet also seem to feel a need to pressure others to do exactly that.

Your mum's idea of enjoyment is to be quietly in her own home, so you have to accept that and not expect her to meet your ideas.

Let her do what she wants.

My Mother has made choices I'm not happy with, but I don't say anything because they are her choices and she has the right to make a bad choice if she wants to. She does complain about the consequences of the choices she makes, but as it was her choice to do those things, there's not much I can do.

wildswan16

I would just let her spend Christmas how she wants. Sometimes as we get older it is just all too much trouble to go away somewhere.

Don't try to insist - it doesn't mean she is lonely or neglected. Just doing here own thing.

Agree with this. My elderly aunt used to tell me that she really did not want to go anywhere at Christmas. She preferred to stay at home, go to bed when she wanted but her family couldn’t bear to think she was alone that day. Plans were well meaning but they couldn’t understand. It was the same with my parents, my next door neighbour andI am beginning to think more like this as I get further into my eighties.

My husbands grandmother was taken to her sons for Christmas day each year. She said she was happy at home on her own but nobody would listen to her and felt she must be with family. She started get grumpy and miserable one Christmas day and they took her back home. She was happy and thereafter everybody listened to her wishes.

At 77 nearly 78 I totally understand, I have grown so used to my own company my own routine that I feel like a fish out of water when I go anywhere else
I don’t feel I can go all the way to NZ any more as much as I want to see my son and family and where they live now but I just can’t manage the journey and being away for a few weeks from my home and my boring but safe routine
Strange indescribable feelings

I think we must be sensitive to their feelings respect their wishes. Many elderly (and not so elderly!) can feel embarrassed eg by frequent trips to the loo in the night or prefer their own beds or find the stairs in their AC’s houses hard to cope with.
I don’t consider myself all that old at 74, but since Paw died the house is quiet - the dog rarely answers when I talk to her and I can go days without seeing anybody other than the other dog walkers. So I have grown used to silence and find having a crowd around me quite exhausting (especially, much as I love it, the competition for “Granny” to look at this, help with that, play with the other)
I love my GC dearly and wish I saw more of them, but they are exhausting!

Your Mum is 87years old she will be tired, please leave her in peace.

My mum decided last month that she would not come to my sons graduation. She had been coming for months, I was picking her up (140 miles away) and she was getting the train back, first class ticket booked and my brother was meeting her at the other end. Also moved the spare room downstairs into the study so that she didn’t need to use the stairs. I’ve spoke to a few people who have said their elderly parents were the same. They want to stay in their own environment and able to use the loo when they like and have everything familiar. I came to this conclusion after thinking about what she would feel like travelling. Christmas Day we’re going to her and having a meal out. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that if we want to see her we will have to travel to see her. I wonder if I will feel like that when I’m elderly. Although at the moment I really do like my home space.

My DC are going to be together this Christmas.
The English clan are coming to the Scottish clan, weather permitting.
At first I was a bit miffed to not be included but actually I am so thankful that they get on so well and that I don't have to travel and sleep in a strange bed. There would not be room for me
I will host a smaller group including DMiL and it will be quiet and peaceful i hope

You have made the right decision OP she will be happier, as long as she's comfortable, warm and plenty of nice food to eat she'll have a good day.

My MIL lived with us in her own little apartment. She got her own breakfast but had lunch and supper with us. She liked routine so we ate at very regular times, often had a game of rummykub or cards early evening and she'd then happily go off to her own space. We'd always travelled to my SILs for Christmas but it was very clear that MIL struggled to hear when there were lots of people around and people didn't always make the effort to talk to her. Meals came at irregular times and although lovely were often too rich for her. It was difficult to suggest to SIL that we needed to have a different Christmas, she was rather offended but MIL was so much happier at home. She's no longer with us so this year we are going to spend Christmas with SIL so it was only for a few years. I guess your DM is at a similar stage in her life.

Was the GGD’s letter perhaps intended as additional pressure, moral blackmail?
Let Mum do what she likes. Travelling around Christmas can be fraught, housefuls of several generations, exhausting and if one is dependent on others for transport back again, you can’t cut and run when you’ve had enough.
Respect her decision and make arrangements to meet up perhaps when the weather improves.

Witzend

My mother once decided at the last minute that she didn’t want to come for us for Christmas after all - preferred to stay quietly at home. I was going the 60 miles anyway, to pick up Dsis and niece, visiting from the US, so took her presents and some nice food.

Later the same evening (24th Dec) when everyone else was out, she phoned me, absolutely furious. What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve? I was a terrible daughter! - she was cutting me out of her will etc.

I offered to go and fetch her if she’d changed her mind - no she didn’t want that either. Bang.
I was in tears for ages.
In the morning I phoned her - she’d forgotten the whole thing!

That’s dementia for you.

We had this with my late mil who had dementia. Pre Christmas she insisted she and fil wanted to be at home on their own . On Christmas Day we had a ranting phone call about why they weren’t with us for Christmas. We went over on Boxing Day and she’d forgotten the phone call .

I am 85 and my daughter wants me to go for Christmas. I am dithering about going. I am tired and have some mobility issues. I know I would be welcome but it would be a struggle. In my apartment I cope very well. If I go to her, I have stairs to climb, the shower is in the bath. It all feels too much. I hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever the decision made.

You can telephone your mother twice on Xmas day, and let her know it's normal for people not to want to travel, and stay in others' houses at Xmas or any other time.

If she doesn’t want to come then respect her wishes. It’s really her choice.

Thanks for the advice it seems like I'll have to respect her wishes going this Sunday and Monday. T hen will go again weather permitting 22nd and 23rd stock her up with what she needs and leave her to it .The DGGD wrote the letter as she loves her GGM and wants to see her so will take her at some point in the school holidays .I realise her toilet trips in the night and her ( very) early tv watching she worries will disturb us .

I think that when the writer of this thread is 87 years old and has to leave her home and her own bed for a journey of 200 miles round trip to be in a noisy atmosphere then she will understand exactly how her mum feels. I remember my mother saying things when at the age I am now and thinking what a misery!! Guess what, a misery is writing this post!

Calendargirl, I still remember my long-gone, very jolly DF saying to my DM after a visit to us, ‘Well, I don’t think we’re going to get anything else to eat or drink, so we might as well bugger off home.’ 😂

I agree. Very sensible.
My MIL used to insist on coming to us for Christmas. She was fine when she was younger and able to travel by train, but eventually she could not cope with that and DH had to drive to fetch her, a five hour journey each way, meaning an over night stay for him each time. On the return he would stay a couple of days to do some jobs for her, so she actually had more hours of his company than the rest of the family did over the holiday period.

Honour what your mum has politely told you don’t take it personally she wants to enjoy her day in her own safe, familiar, quiet environment
In my opinion the great grand daughter should not have been brought into the equation to invite your mum That’s unfair for them both as the grandaughter might take it personally

Take the children for a day in the new year or springtime or birthday or something 100 miles isn’t a huge journey especially if there’s two drivers one there one back or get a family railcard
Your mum has been wise and decisive

My elderly mum spent Christmas Day with either me or my sister. By about 6 o’ clock would start to say “Well, it’s been really nice, but whenever you want to take me home (she lived a few minutes drive away), then I’m ready to go and you can ‘get settled’.

What she meant was she had enjoyed it all, but was ready to get back to her own little flat, watch what she wanted on the tv, and ‘get settled’.

Not as old as my mum, but find myself saying to DS when we spend the day with them, after tea, “Well, it’s been lovely but think we will soon head off home” (we can still walk home!)

He says, “You sound like Grandma!”

My own mother, who has now died, decided around the age of 89 that she could not face Christmas with lots of people, including noisy teenagers at the time and would rather stay at home. We visited for an hour or so in the morning in her very small flat and she was happy with this. I would respect your mothers wishes which she has made clear and go along with them.

Respect your

We're having our family Christmas get-together at our house this weekend: ourselves, three adult children, two partners, two grandchildren.
I asked my Dad (91) today if he'd like to join us for the day and was pleasantly surprised when he said yes, he would.

He made a comment recently about us taking him to places where he has to sit in a room with other people and it's quite boring for him.
I don't know where in particular he meant, but thought it might be the "lots of people" in general, conversations he can't follow, noise.
He lives 15 minutes from us and my husband will pick him up and take him home (after the football though!) so travelling isn't an issue.

I think as we get older we just get to a point where we like our home comforts 😊

At that age I am sure her own bed is best and being in company is tiring after an hour or so. If you are far away you cannot just pop in so frequent phone calls will have to do if no one is able to stay with her. My Dad lived very near to me but would only come for Christmas lunch and then was happy to go home and snooze in front of the TV.