Mum won't come fir Christmas

My DM is also 87 and registered blind with short term memory loss. She too has refused to come to spend Christmas with the family. She worries about me driving and I think gets overwhelmed with too many people. My DS and his partner are spending Christmas Day with her and have done this before. I provide the meals as they would normally be with us. Giving them to DS this time as last year he had salmon and DM looked at it on Christmas Eve and thought "I'm not eating this" and threw it in the bin!!! She was having turkey. He managed to fish it out the bin 😂 It is hard to accept but at that age it is an upheaval for some people to be out of their homes surrounded by family but not following conversations and with children being excited. Mum also worries about toilet issues and me driving her home while everyone else is still there. Susiwakie she will probably be happier at home. As long as you make sure she has food in and you can call her then enjoy your Christmas.

My mother once decided at the last minute that she didn’t want to come for us for Christmas after all - preferred to stay quietly at home. I was going the 60 miles anyway, to pick up Dsis and niece, visiting from the US, so took her presents and some nice food.

Later the same evening (24th Dec) when everyone else was out, she phoned me, absolutely furious. What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve? I was a terrible daughter! - she was cutting me out of her will etc.

I offered to go and fetch her if she’d changed her mind - no she didn’t want that either. Bang.
I was in tears for ages.
In the morning I phoned her - she’d forgotten the whole thing!

That’s dementia for you.

I thought the OP was worried that her mother had announced her intention while in a huff about something, or having had cold feet about travelling, would regret it later and have a miserable Christmas on her own.
I think it understandable to want to test that out.
For instance the 8-yr-old might easily have said something tactless. The letter must be relevant in some way.
The OP could try to make sure there were no misunderstandings or hidden concerns, and if not accept her mother's decision gracefully.

I also had this with my mum in her later years. She preferred to be in her own home. She was concerned at disturbing us with night time loo visits. She wasn't a fan of television. No appetite for Christmas fayre. I made sure that she had supplies over Christmas and she enjoyed short family visits. My guilt came when her neighbour told me how sorry she felt for my mum and had given her a Christmas lunch. Mum had told them that there wasn't room for her to stay with me! She didn't want to tell them that she wanted to be on her own! Bless Her.

My mum,who lived until she was 84, often would say she’d come for Christmas but on the day she’d say ‘I can’t be bothered’ and shed stay home. It used to sadden me but we accepted this was what she wanted.

Lixy, what a loving understanding daughter you are, mom is happy and she gets to see you all.

Susiewakie I could have written that post.
My mum has chosen to have Christmas by herself for the last few years, mostly to do with growing deafness and needing to get up in the night, but also she naps through the day too.

We go to see her over the Christmas period - just for a few hours - and adult G'chn also take their families to see her on different days. It does mean three separate journeys - a round trip of 300 miles - rather than just the one if she came here, but there we are! Her choice so we work round it.

She gets three visits spread over a few weeks rather than a hectic few days. I've schooled myself to get over the guilt!

Given we won't leave our home for Christmas, I surely expect others in our family to react as they wish, even if opposite to prior years.

Your mum has said her preference, leave her to it.

Advice?

Her decision, you need to respect it

Though slightly different my 81 years old mum refused to come to my daughters wedding this year as we live 250 miles away
Despite trying to persuade she was adamant and stayed home
I had to accept it was her decision and not about me.
Assuming she won't be attending DD no2 wedding next year!!

I would just let her spend Christmas how she wants. Sometimes as we get older it is just all too much trouble to go away somewhere.

Don't try to insist - it doesn't mean she is lonely or neglected. Just doing here own thing.

I would respect her wishes, perhaps she just feels too tired for the upheaval. I would speak with her and tell her how much you’re looking forward to seeing her but don’t want to make things difficult if she really want to be on her own. I don’t think a lot of people realise that as people age, some just want their own routine, yet many don’t, the older I get the more I want my family but not everyone feels like that.

Not sure what the letter has to do with it.
Can you bring her after Christmas?
Speak to her and ask her. I guess you have been communicating by text?
Hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide.

Your mother has told you clearly how she wants to apend Christmas. As she is an independent adult, respect her wishes. make sure she is adequately supplied with all she needs over this period and then leave her to enjoy herself as she has clearly stated she wants to.

I think your worry is more about the discomfort you feel about her decision, than anything else.

Maybe the cold weather is affecting her willingness to travel. Has the letter got any bearing on her reluctance?