Mum won't come fir Christmas

but it took courage to tell them the truth about my wishes

I have been invited to stay with AC, two different families but have chosen to travel to theirs for the day (twice) and want to drive back to my home comforts and my own bed. I am lucky in that they always respect my wishes and I never feel `hemmed in`

So many people suffering because of what's expected.

This started with childhood for me, being expected to eat foods I did not like or want to eat "just because it's Christmas". Of course being a child there were bits I did like, but the older I get, the less I feel that Christmas should be something we endure. It would be better if families talked about what is important to them and didn't do what's "expected", but what makes them happiest.

Surely Christmas should be a peaceful, joyous time. If we feel hemmed into things we would rather not be doing, or bound to rituals we do not want to be bound to, we are bound to be unhappy.

An excellent resolution for you and your Mother, SusieWakie.

Susiewakie

Quick update spoken at length with Mum and have accepted her wishes to stay home .Going on 22nd and 23rd to give her presents and take her shopping clean house etc like normal .She has arranged a lift to church with a neighbour

Excellent Susiewakie

It's really sad to think of so many people doing things that they think will please others, whether as hosts or guests, when they'd much rather not.

Please be more honest with each other, without being rude of course.

ExDancer, why not just tell them that, then? You could soften it by starting with e.g., ‘I really don’t want to sound ungrateful, but in case you hadn’t noticed, I am getting on a bit, and….’

Oh how I wish my children would leave me alone at Christmas. I get tired, my back aches in other people's uncomfortable chairs, I get indigestion from rich food and do not like travelling.
The nicest thing someone could do for me personally would be to cook me a small plateful of the meal, so that I could warm it up in the MWave. And leave me in front to watch the TV and have a sleep in front of the fire.
I am 84 (and I don't think I have dementia )

It's just awful going to events - or to stay, because it's expected of you, when you'd much rather be at home. The person coming to collect you doesn't really want to drive long distances either - and Christmas is about the worst time to travel. My mother found travel uncomfortable and didn't sleep well in a strange bed.

Maybe you could send her a hamper and/or a nice roast dinner, then visit her in the New Year?

V3ra

We're having our family Christmas get-together at our house this weekend: ourselves, three adult children, two partners, two grandchildren.
I asked my Dad (91) today if he'd like to join us for the day and was pleasantly surprised when he said yes, he would.

He made a comment recently about us taking him to places where he has to sit in a room with other people and it's quite boring for him.
I don't know where in particular he meant, but thought it might be the "lots of people" in general, conversations he can't follow, noise.
He lives 15 minutes from us and my husband will pick him up and take him home (after the football though!) so travelling isn't an issue.

I think as we get older we just get to a point where we like our home comforts 😊

Well my Dad came to ours last Saturday.
My husband picked him up at 3pm and by 6pm Dad asked to be taken home as he wasn't feeling well.
He seemed quite upset so my husband just took him home and got him settled, and let the carers know like Dad had asked.

Yesterday evening we called to see him, he was on fine form and joking with the carer who was there at the time.

He admitted he'd asked to leave ours as having the other nine people there was too much for him, but he hadn't liked to say so at the time in case it upset me 🤷

I think that this a common problem with older people .

It is their choice .

A lot of things , which were easy for them have become difficult , but they won't admit it .

It's best not to press them into events which they just find too much .

I know that in the past , my father has found my household too disruptive .

He expects his lunch at 12.00 and really complains when it's not ready at 1.00 and my children to sit at the table quietly whilst he dominates and controls the conversation .

Then , we had to sit in a circle playing his favourite games until he decided that it was time to finish .

I would argue with him and then as my children stampeded upstairs be left to placate him .

It was far from enjoyable .

I also recall agoraphobia beginning in his late thirties .

By the time , he was 70 it was more apparent - he'd refuse all holidays then trips out unless it was daylight , not too far away and involved food !

In his eighties , it became extreme . I'd have to escort him everywhere .

I've already had full instructions on Christmas - what he wants to eat . My choice is irrelevant .

I've been reprimanded for having a drink / then a lunch with neighbours even though he was fast asleep for hours after having his favourite foods at the prescribed time .

I've been told that my behaviour was disgusting .

And , apparently the people who invited me have said so !

That's great Susiewakie, hope you all have a merry Christmas doing your own thing.

Quick update spoken at length with Mum and have accepted her wishes to stay home .Going on 22nd and 23rd to give her presents and take her shopping clean house etc like normal .She has arranged a lift to church with a neighbour

Honestly, the meja idea of Christmas where we all jolly about for hours is a fantasy. At 87 very few of us actually enjoy lots of company and foods and drinks we are not used to. There's a lot to be said for sticking to routine. Let her do what suits her and plan to visit another time, when travel and weather will mean it is all safer too - none of us want to add to the work of A&E do we?

One's hosts cannot provide a private toilet and bidet.

Franbern please do tell your daughter what a lovely relaxing time you had last year, and how you'd like to do the same this time .
Surely she wouldn't want xmas to be something you just have to endure.

NotSpaghetti

Mattsmum2 ..

There is almost nothing so dull as a graduation ceremony!
I can see why she's not keen!

Me too! The only interesting bit among all the tedium is when your own child appears.

When dd1 did her MA she became very friendly with a young Japanese chap who stayed with us for while, for job interviews in London.
His parents came later from Japan, for the graduation. When we met them his mother said, ‘Thank you so much for having our son to stay!’
I started to reply with ‘He was very welcome,’ etc. - only for the son in question to tell me that his mother knew not a word of English - she’d learnt it parrot-fashion to say to us!
Respect! Not to mention 👏👏!
And sitting through all that tedium of which you understand not a word - for the 10 seconds when your son appears!

I am in my eighties. Must say that I do not like being away from home overnight. No matter how comfortable people try t make me, nothing like my own bed and en=suite.

For some years Ihad wanted to tell my lovely AC that I really would prefer Xmas Day by myself at home. Never had the courage. Last year, I developed a bad bout of bronchitus just befoe the holidays, so I would not go to my local daughters, particularly as her (then) year 6 chld had covid.

I had such a wonderful relaxing day -one of the best Xmas';s I have had for many years. Got up late, showered, and changed into clean nightdress and dressing gown. Sat in my own comfortable riser./rec;ioner chair. Had tv on to watch what I wanted to watch. No noiose, no crowds, it was wonderful. N=My aughter did bring over plated up xmas meals for me just to warm up in microwave.

I would dlove to do it all against his year, but haven;t had the courage to tell her.

The sheer crowds, nloise, people on top of each other, is just too much for many of us as we get older, and not having our own bed at night is a big decising factor.

You need to respect your mother's decision.

There are many reasons, as we age, for not wanting to travel.

Some of us find the journey itself tiring to cope with, others do not sleep well in other people's homes, either because the bed is harder or softer than they are accustomed to, the room warmer or colder, or they feel they disturb the entire household by getting up to go to the bathroom during the night,

Your mother may feel the excitement and noise of a family Christmas with an 8 year old and perhaps other children just too much to cope with.

Or she may be one of those who find Christmas over-rated, or is saddened by memories of deceased family and friends.

Accept her decision with good grace, and ask when you may come and visit her.

I find there are two orientations in older people who live alone. Some are desperately lonely so they will buttonhole the postie, delivery people, neighbours and people in shops. Anything for someone to talk to.

Then there are those of us who have our own routine and resent any interruption, particularly if it comes without warning. I have certain days when my nephew comes around. I know when hes coming and I plan around his visit for those days. However I am very negative about unexpected callers unless they are delivering a parcel. This is where the ring doorbell is my friend. Its so easy to get rid when they are standing outside in the freezing cold and you are inside in the warm.

V3ra wrote:

"On a hospital ward I worked on years ago there was a lady of 93.
During the week the physiotherapists would come and insist she got out of bed, do some exercises, eat more variety, etc etc.
All of which she just couldn't be bothered with and got quite stressed about.

The weekend ward sister was very understanding and used to tut about it, saying: "Honestly if you can't sit in bed and eat yoghurt at 93, if that's what you want to do, then when can you?"
The lady loved her relaxing weekends, sitting in state and chatting to all and sundry"

The physios were task-oriented and the ward sister was person-oriented. The ward sister was right and the physios wrong. I hope the sister was able to command the physios.

Mattsmum2 ..

There is almost nothing so dull as a graduation ceremony!
I can see why she's not keen!

Quite right V3ra

Some physios can be really bossy and mean, too. I wouldnt want to bother at that age either.

On a hospital ward I worked on years ago there was a lady of 93.
During the week the physiotherapists would come and insist she got out of bed, do some exercises, eat more variety, etc etc.
All of which she just couldn't be bothered with and got quite stressed about.

The weekend ward sister was very understanding and used to tut about it, saying: "Honestly if you can't sit in bed and eat yoghurt at 93, if that's what you want to do, then when can you?"
The lady loved her relaxing weekends, sitting in state and chatting to all and sundry 😊

Just let her be, her choice, surely.

As long as she has mental capacity, she has the right to choose what she does. If she chooses something and later complains, that is also her choice.

None of us are responsible for other people's choices. We can invite them or offer to provide things, but at the end of the day if they choose not to accept (for whatever reason) that is their prerogative.

I think maybe it is harder to accept that they do not want what we want. But we must learn to.