Guilty feelings about not hosting christmas

Corall ,you will be fine. Just follow the plan you have with DH and it will all go well. take good of the brake.
You'll see them in the morning then enjoy the rest of your day. Let guilt go up the chimney.

last year i was in hospital with sepsis, the first week they were not sure if i would even make it, i got home on the 24th, my son wanted me to go to there house but it was the first christmas without my partner and i did not want to put a dampner on there family time, this year is the first in there new house and it is a take away day so no fancy meal to cook, but i am going to spend it here on my own and i am more than happy to do this. people should spend christmas the way they want, i have watched people mainly women in the supermarket filling the trolly and looking stressed at the thought of cooking christmas dinner and all the mess that comes with it, one of my friends is doing what i used to do, having a buffet and another is sending out for take away, mums deserve to have a nice christmas without all the stress that goes with it. i hope you have a lovely day and happy christmas.

For the last 15 years my MIL has invited herself on Christmas Day, along with my SIL and BIL. They have always had the excuse that they live in flats and our house is bigger. It isn't that much bigger.

The 'discussion' usually starts around September. I have always gone along with this until we had our first GS. Prior to that my DS usually worked Christmas day so it was never an issue.

I think my MIL forgets that I have my own family - though it is small.

We went to my DS and partners last Christmas Day. My MIL said that since they couldn't come on Christmas Day they would come on Boxing Day instead!

I get so stressed out about who goes where at Christmas. I don't want to offend anyone or expect people to visit if they don't really want to.

My DH always says that it could be my MIL's last Christmas though I am sure she has a good few years left!

DH has suggested going away for Christmas but we have never done it

Please don't feel guilty. We all "hand over the baton" at some stage and you are hosting on Boxing Day and afterwards so more than doing your bit, especially with all your day-to-day caring responsibilities. Enjoy!

Oh goodness Coral11 I think you've absolutely (!!!) nothing to feel guilty about. With dicky knees and aged pa in tow you deserve a break. Enjoy the company and being a guest when you are.

You should definitely not feel guilty. You have done your fair share. Our children (grown up with family) were quite happy when we told them we were thinking of going away for Christmas, which meant they could make other arrangements with the rest of the family.
We exchange Christmas gifts after Christmas when I do a simple Xmas buffet with games. No pressures all round. This year DH and I are having a Christmas Day together with brunch, followed by time in the kitchen together, preparing Xmas Dinner for 6.00 pm then wine and other goodies which we should not be consuming.

I have always done Christmas for my Mum, brother, brother and wife,since 1987 when my Dad died, I also had my own two children as well. (They are now grown up with their own families) since covid I really haven’t been able to cope with crowds of people. Last year my married brother had my Mum and unmarried brother for Christmas Day, and we went to my sons which was lovely. But this year it’s all down to me again! I told my Mum that I could only have her and my unmarried brother, as I really just can’t cope anymore. She said it’s only another two if I have my married brother (no children of their own) and has made me feel really guilty, But I am afraid I have put my foot down. So try and do the same Coral11

I love hosting Christmas at home for everyone but for the last 10 years have felt obliged (guilt tripped?) into travelling down to my parents’ and hosting it there.
Mum died last year so just dad now. I’m doing it again this year but have made the decision that this is the last time. Next year either dad makes an effort and stays at my house for a few days or I go down there and we go out for lunch. Then I’ll do Xmas later in the week at home with my children and their partners etc.
Although I had a solitary Xmas day in 2020 as I was isolating and it was fabulous! I had a packet of crisps and wine for lunch and a friend delivered a beautiful dinner to my doorstep.

Please stop beating yourself up over your decision. You've done your bit for 40 years, time to take a step back.
Look after your Dad, OH and yourself, visit family as you've already arranged and have a lovely Christmas

Aw thank you all so much for the supportive comments, will try and stick to my guns and not feel guilty, will still be seeing the grandchildren loads over the festive period so will try and enjoy and relaxing Christmas and birthday 👍

A former work colleague of mine had spent 25 years of married life always going to her mothers' with her DH and DD and never having Christmas in her own home.
We were chatting one day and I said how would she feel or her DH or DD feel or regret if something ever happened to any of them that the remaining family never had the opportunity to be a family in their own home.
She put her foot down the following Christmas and insisted that they have the day in their own home and her mother and sister could come to them. They all had a wonderful time and her DH had the opportunity to cook his own Christmas Dinner for everyone.
Tragically a few months later her DH died in his sleep and she said she was so grateful that they had just the one time in their own home.
Life is too short - not to do what you want once in a while!! So don't feel guilty!!

My DH has stated he would like to spend one Christmas with his toes in the sand, so perhaps one year we will say to heck with it all, and book a flight to somewhere tropical

This is us this year, we fly out on Sunday morning 🏝️

We had our family Christmas get-together here last weekend.

After 40 years of hosting you are entitled to have a peaceful Christmas Coral enjoy the day with your husband & father. I know about those guilt feelings, I think they are programmed into women, but ignore them and have a lovely day.

You've been brilliant so please don't feel guilty. Just do whatever you want. Have a happy Christmas.

Sometimes traditions are meant to be changed, or adjusted to suit the situations. It will most likely be much more relaxing for you.

I still host Christmas lunch for 9 of us, but I enjoy doing it, and there may come a year when I hand over the reins to the younger generation, or if new grandchildren arrive, the parents may have plans to stay home.

My DH has stated he would like to spend one Christmas with his toes in the sand, so perhaps one year we will say to heck with it all, and book a flight to somewhere tropical.

(You've)

and - meant to say that I freeze two dinners as 'emergency backup' as I live nearby - in case of flood, snow etc. ou've done your 40 years, so relax and enjoy!

Coral11 your plans sound well thought through and as if they will suit all of you perfectly 😊

I have always had a dread of other people's expectations and getting into a rut over Christmas arrangements.

For years we travelled the length of the country from Christmas to New Year: north to see in-laws, south to see my parents. Then the other way round the following year.

By the time we had three children it was ridiculous so we started hosting them here instead. Very little help given or consideration from our visitors.

One year I realised after the event that I hadn't seen my children open one Christmas present, as I'd been in the kitchen making everyone cups of tea.
The following year I said we were staying home alone for a change: wow that wasn't popular!
My parents stayed at home and Dad (only in his 50s) later said he'd done the ironing on Christmas Day as there was nothing else to do 🙄

No to guilty feelings!

We have too many (40+) for an indoor family meal, haven't had family Christmas lunch in many years. Our married daughters, with married children, and their grandchildren do what they need to do with their families for Christmas lunch. As it should be, I think. Apart from logistics, it's chaos.

We have a meal, their choice of meat/menu, with each of the 4 families, during the Advent run up to Christmas.

We have cookie bakes for days, Glühwein in the lights inflatable garden, go to various nativity, panto, and productions.

Similar to you, enough is enough. No all family meal.

Please just have the Christmas you want this year

You don't deserve any guilt

Coral11, I handed things over to the younger generation - aged 65. I have no health issues or caring responsibilities, just a large (and ever increasing) family. When it got to eighteen people for dinner, it all became a bit much.

I still do the 'big dinner' (well, a relaxed version of it) but early in December, so that everyone can meet up. There's fewer problems with shopping, travel, parking etc. - it's not so important or a really 'big day' - and the shops are still open if we forget something. Then, having done that, I can relax and be a guest on Christmas day.

My friend is 'stuck' with an elderly mum who won't leave her home and can't tolerate guests (even family) for very long. Every year, one family member delivers two dinners (after they've had their meal) so there's still a little Christmas cheer.

I'm discovering that grown-up children can be surprisingly clear-sighted and understanding. As long as you are clear about what you are planning they will be fine and will start to build their own traditions.
It sounds as though you have a lovely day planned so I hope you relax and enjoy it.

You have done Christmas for 40 years, it’s time for you to do what suits you. If you explain your children will understand. Let them Help with their grandad if you go for lunch on Boxing Day. you need a break.

Why do you feel guilty ? Everyone is doing what they want to do and you will feel fresh and ready to enjoy Boxing Day!
Christmas’s do naturally change over the years as families spread out but as long as everyone is happy it’s best to just go with the flow. Doesn’t matter what people “expect”, it sounds lovely!! Enjoy and Happy Christmas!

Everyone definitely guilt trips us about Christmas, what you doing for Christmas? Are your children coming for Christmas? even the adverts on the telly tell us we should have a large family Christmas with a groaning table, it is never ending, especially if this your first year of not hosting but weather the storm and I am sure it will get easier each time you do it enjoy your lovely quiet day and don't feel guilty you have done your share over the years and things don't have to stay the same.