No help, no gift so we are skiing

Nannan2

And just to note- both my disabled sons are highly amused about this new phrase 'Neuro- diverse' they much prefer to use 'old- school' basic phrase/name for what they suffer from, -say just neurological conditions will do🙄

Well, they may be, but it is the correct term. We used to call the disabled a "spastic" but the term became offensive. It is just the change in language that happens, usually because the terminology is used in an offensive manner but sometimes because those suffering from the condition wish to be addressed thus. Neurotypical allow for a description of normality which isn't quite as offensive to those who don't fit that description therefore Neurodiverse is the opposite or difference. There is a whole new generation who would gasp at your sons being amused.

And the phrase "get rid of them" does sound particularly heartless tbh- dont you mean ''help them find alternative accommadation suitable for them now they're older"? How must 'get rid' of them' must seem to these AC is awful- no wonder they dont reciprocate respect or want to give you a gift? It does not seem as though theres much caring/feeling between you as a family.

Lots of judge-y comments and I-wouldn’t-put-up-with-its here. Only parents, and to a lesser extent, grandparents of offspring with ADHD really understand what the OP is coping with. I didn’t think her post was complaining at all, rather making the best of it with a smile.

Secondhandrose - I think you must know by now that you are being taken for a ride and it’s probably too late to change things now. Sad but true. My three don’t offer to help, they simply get on with it! Even my little six year granddaughter will ask if she can set the table or help in the kitchen. It’s something they’ve all grown up with. Elder son’s partner got the hoover out on Boxing day, and cleaned the carpet! I can’t remember the exact term, but it’s something about rods and backs.

Yes i often think my youngest has oppositional disorder as well but hes not been officially diagnosed with that.

Im a bit confused as to how, even with ADHD or any other issues they can both hold down education and jobs but cant do household tasks though???

*meant rent of any kind

And just to note- both my disabled sons are highly amused about this new phrase 'Neuro- diverse' they much prefer to use 'old- school' basic phrase/name for what they suffer from, -say just neurological conditions will do🙄

You must be very rich then SHR if you can afford to pay for everything youreselves without the need to take board money/rent of any kid off these adult kids- as i pay my rent/full council tax (theres no disabled/benefit reduction in council tax here in this new borough) and council have instructed me to ask adult children for help towards it they (council) expect you to- despite youngest being in full time college which the council insist i cant get a reduction on! Plus you were going to gift them £600 each- and yes it does sound like you were making it a complaint about it at beginning of post.🤔

Yes often you have to be very specific in your requests- on christmas day i asked elder of 2 youngest sons (24) to go set table and told him to clear it afterwards- so he did-but just put plates on the side, as i hadnt said specifically to scrape them or add to dishwasher- if i see youngest (19) downstairs & i need help if i say "can you just..." he will do so- but doesnt offer help normally he simply doesnt notice-but he did move move furniture around in living room so we could put tree up &helped with other decorations as i'd asked (he's tallest) but doesnt do as much around house as his brother does- btf hes in full- time education and both sons have a disability-& youngest aspergers also- so i must be specific in asking requests of this kind.But then will do so if can do it.

FarNorth

^We are currently looking at flats to get rid of the pair of them.^
What does this mean SHR?
Just that you're helping them look, or you're going to buy / rent places for them?
I hope it's the former.

Onward perhaps your son perceived himself to be doing his own dishes, rather than his wife's or yours, and was happy about doing that.

Yes, maybe. He looked happy anyway. I never thought I would see the day when he would wash up and look happy about it. Shame he was so horrible every time I asked him. He used to make such a drama of it and accuse me of trying to make him be a slave! I'd explain how we all help out etc, but to no avail and I used to let him off to avoid confrontation, which was not fair on the others who were helpful.

We are currently looking at flats to get rid of the pair of them.
What does this mean SHR?
Just that you're helping them look, or you're going to buy / rent places for them?
I hope it's the former.

Onward perhaps your son perceived himself to be doing his own dishes, rather than his wife's or yours, and was happy about doing that.

MerylStreep, absolutely. There are resources now helping parents to cope with such children. The vast majority advise taking away the pressure and not getting into a confrontation. Parenting is so different in order to get the best out of these children and sometimes that is not what those with neurotypical children would expect.

Good for you. I have five gc in their 20 all living nearby. I got presents for all of them but only two of them received them. They were the ones who took the time to wish me a lovely Christmas on Facebook and then visit on Boxing Day with presents. The other three I didn’t see or hear from so I offered the other two their presents as well as their own.

icanhandthemback
How true. Until you have dealt with these children/ young adults you have no idea, do you? 😟
As we say: you pick your battles.

Yes, agreed- but honestly, there are limits!

Yes, very few people seem to take into account the Neuro-Diverse element here. Once upon a time, without understanding, ND youth would have gone off the straight and narrow, some would have been locked up in mental health institutions, others in borstal and many lost for ever. At least now these young adults are studying and living at home with parents who make allowances for their problems.

Daftbag1

If your son has ADHD and possibly ASD, to expect him to move out when he completes his course is unrealistic. From what you have said he has had no training in independence skills, you have not trained him to live independently, he doesn't pay rent, doesn't help around the house, has meltdowns, and needs medication.

My son had a similar diagnosis and even WITH training at home and his special boarding school 15 years later he still struggles. ASD doesn't suddenly disappear any more than ADHD does.

To manage alone you should be helping him to budget. To share bills, rent, and food costs. You need to teach him to cook, to maintain his clothing, safety and organisation of his home.

I'm not sure why you posted but I feel sorry for your children you may have paid for them, but that apart I can't help but wonder how you have supported your children into adulthood.

I agree. Trouble is, if the son is “resistant” it’s going to be difficult to get him to accept such teaching. Our own ADHD/ ASD son had to return home to live after uni because it is crazily expensive to live on your own. He got a job, he offered rent but we didn’t take any and he eventually saved enough for a deposit for a house share and after a promotion, was able to move out. He lives and works in London and there are plenty of adult children living with parents and even wfh from their bedrooms.

Our son actually learned to manage his life admin far better than my OH ever thought he would, he didn’t think he’d be capable, and our son is doing well. If you are able to help them move into flats, that would be great as long as you step back after that. I don’t think my son helped at all at Christmas but has transformed into someone who helps clear away and gives and even gift wraps great presents! Living in an adult world of independence has done him the world of good while living at home kept him infantilised and quietly depressed.

You have my sympathy but don’t despair

My son who has estranged me does have ADHD. He was the one who would try not to help me as a child. I drove by his house one day and was pretty put out to see him washing up in his own kitchen for his wife (and smiling to himself while he did) I was amazed. He wouldn't have done that for me. I think he also had (has) ODD.

Sometimes it's exhausting to keep asking for what you don't get. It's annoying when they give it to someone else though.

I get upset by thoughtless people. I would be asking them to help, perhaps lay and clear the table or wash up or clear the table etc. doesn’t hurt them. Perhaps next year £20 each and they might get the message that it’s nice to give and receive.

Even £100 seems a lot, my mum has 7 kids and some dont help some do. Been the teetotaller I'm often the one left to do.the majority but I wouldn't leave it for her. She cooks most of the dinner so.least we could do is wash up, tidy away and serve etc. As for presents I always but my mum n dad so do most of the siblings but they only buy a box of biscuits between each couple. It's more than we expect they do more than enough for us and have done all their lives.

Get your holiday booked and tell them you expect the house to be spanking clean when you get back. No having friends around for parties and finishing the Christmas booze.
Go for it is a good decision they have to know the world is not just their oyster but others too.

We weee equally generous to our kids and they have repaid me over and over again with their care and consideration. They don’t have adhd though. Some of these awful, judgemental posts make me mad. We suffered so you should, oh great how helpful. Today’s generations have been brought up in a very different world to those of us over 60s. This is their world, not yours. I’d say that their lives are in many ways much more difficult than ours were. Ours were pretty simple and that’s not something you can say for today’s youngsters. Having said all that, good for you for putting your foot down this year. I’d be very upset if my kids didn’t buy me something for Xmas. Time perhaps for making a change and enjoy your life and let them get on with theirs.

I have always given my kids jobs to do when they were little. One of them used to complain and try to get out of it or half do it, but the others would try harder.

My younger son who lives with me does not offer help as an adult, but if I ask for help he will always help. In fact he is always helping me (and I am always asking him to!) We are family. We are all adults and equal. Why shouldn't we ask for help and get it?

What would happen if you asked them to do a specific thing like lay the table? Or clear the table?

I would rather have Presence than presents, but thoughtfulness is nice too. What would happen if you drop hints or you ask them what they're getting their dad and he asks them what they're getting you next year? They do sound a bit comfortable and like they are taking you for granted.

I do think this resentment you feel could perhaps be alleviated by a good chat.

Well done you. Glad your Christmas Day was without arguments etc but sad that you didn’t receive any gifts from the children. Well done for your decision re your money and enjoy the skiing.