Friends without Children/Grandchildr en

Debbi58

Surely a friendship works both ways, I don't see why you shouldn't talk about your family.

There’s talking and then there’s monopolising the conversation. I recently had coffee with a friend who has 4 ac all married and 3 GC . She dominated the conversation with her dc and dgc . She didn’t ask about my dc at all .

Actually, the biggest baby/child bore I know is an unmarried and childless friend, who dotes quite unconditionally on her niece and nephew and now their children.

She comes and stays clutching her ipad ready to immediately show us the latest photos. Last time she stayed DH muttered that if he saw her ipad on the floor, he would tread on it, despite the cost of a replacement, just to change the conversation.

M0nica 🤣 that's awful. You must be a good listener.
I have single friends without DC and friends who would love to be DGP but doubt that they will. I have married friends who have no DC by choice.

I had to wait a while before my DC got round to becoming parents. They were all in their 30s or 40s.
I've hardly ever been asked to look after them.

I have a friend with no children and she goes on and on about her dog and shows pictures. I just try to act interested but it is a Rottweiler. I don’t particularly like that breed of dog though hers seems to be a nice natured one.

I suppose it is better than talking solely about one’s ailments?!

Cabbie21

I suppose it is better than talking solely about one’s ailments?!

It certainly is! I also find people who talk about constantly their jobs extremely boring.

I totally agree with the majority of posters on this subject. To be a good friend you need show a true interest in the other person and be there for them.
Don't always talk about yourself, your dog ( l could talk about mine for ages) or your grandchildren.... ( She is a poppet) When l start a conversation l always ask how are you or what have you been doing today?
My friends have been my saviours through this past year, and l thank God for them.

I think the consensus is: anyone who talks about themselves all the time is a bore!
And Cabbie agreed😂

I have a friend who has DC but no dgc as yet. She loves my DGC and can't wait for her own. Her DD has told her it will be al least 8-10 years, if at all. Her son said he definitely didn't want to have DC. When I see her she always asks after my DGC and likes to hear what they have been up too. I don't see them that often myself because they live 150 miles from me and so I generally only see them at half terms, Easter, summer and Xmas.

Similar position with me and DH. We are interested in the doings of our friends lovely children, grands and some great grands. But truly it gets tiring feigning delight when there is no 'to and fro' of the conversation, nor any topic other than family.

Children's doings are much of a muchness. If we spend time with friends' grandchildren we get to know them and may like them and enjoy being in their company. But listening at second hand to a recounting of the normal things children do is boring. Boasting about anything is hateful. Those people who go on and on about their families or boast about them would probably do the same thing about other topics if they did not have grandchildren. They are self centered. Of course some things may be painful for us but a decent person doesn't blame or envy friends but asks after their family and other things that may be important to them. In return a decent friend talks briefly about these things but doesn't go on too much or boast. Friends should mainly talk about topics they both find interesting and enjoy. We must all give and take a little and may share different things with different friends. But if we find being with someone else unpleasant then those two people are not or or no longer the right friends for one another.

Your friend has been rather brave to share her true feelings with you. She must trust you a great deal.
I am almost in her position, I never have to ask my friends about their grandchildren. They all have them apart from me. The timing of our meet-ups are governed by them and childcare responsibility. The conversation is dominated by them. I smile at the photographs, the joys and the trauma of being a grandparent.
Then go home and cry. Every time, often for hours. It's so painful thinking of how lonely I am, how much I crave the company of little ones. The yearning to tell them stories and teach them rhymes and listen to their play, share their pain,their sleepless nights even their rejections.
I know I will never experience this again, I'm too old for it to be considered suitable unless they are related. I am an only child, no nieces or nephews. I have adult children who are far, far away and without their own little ones - by choice and by fate.
Please be sensitive to your honest friend. Recall the times you had together as women in your own right rather than in relation to someone else. She may understand when your family takes most of your time, but let the time you have together be a break from them and time for you and your friend alone.

I used to be friends with a couple of neighbours. They knew I was childfree by choice.

When she went into hospital to have their first child I did ask after her with her husband and was told all was well etc. Soon after she came out of hospital I knew she would have plenty to do as a new mother and be deluged with attention by close friends and family wanting to "meet" the newborn.

So I deemed it wise to keep away. To me a newborn is of no more interest than a doll. At least dolls do not shit and cry.

I saw her out with the pram a couple of weeks later and went over to speak to her. Almost before I could even pass some casual remark about the baby (as you do) she began to berate me because I had not:

Been to "see" the baby
Bought a gift
Sent a card.

The friendship ended there. She had chosen her lifestyle, which is fine. She could not accept that a neighbour is not going to be invested in a new baby in the same way.

We have a friend with no grandchildren and do avoid speaking about them as we believe that she very disappointed that her two sons are unlikely to have children - one is gay, one is over 40 and single with an all-consuming job. However we usually meet with them and another couple with GC so it can’t altogether be avoided.

I an childless not by choice and have known my very best friend from when her her children were born and now she has her grandchildren. Her younger son is my godson. We alsways have talked about her children and grandchildren and I have loved sharing in their lives but we talk about all manner of things and always have. If you gave her up as a friend when you had children, I am surprised she wants to come back into your life.

Dizzyribs your story is so sad.
Is there a possibility that you can spend time with little children? Could you help at a crèche or Sunday school?
Our Church is constantly looking for helpers to read to and play with the DC while their parents are in the service.

Our local library needs volunteers at storytime etc.

Winston Churchill summed this situation up perfectly. A man had been talking to him for some time then, when it was time to leave, commented that he had not mentioned his grandchildren. Winston Churchill's response: "and I am so glad you haven't."
I don't think any of us begrudge some proud grandparent talk and the odd photo here and there, but one's interest in other people's grandchildren is usually fairly limited and they don't feel that they are the best, most talented, most beautiful children in the world which, of course, you naturally do. The problem with some grandparents is that their grandchildren are the only topic of conversation they have and l wonder if you are in this category. It is boring at best and, in the case of someone who yearned to be in your position but it was not to be, is thoughtless and hurtful. If you truly value this friendship, l would limit the grandchildren talk to a few short anecdotes if you are asked. Otherwise, I would talk about other topics, especially those of particular interest to your friend. Keep up with current affairs, too. You may well find yourself feeling refreshed for the opportunity to think and talk about other things, too.

When I was working I found that most mothers did not mention their children, it just wasn't done, especially when talking in groups. I never really understood why, though in the academic world there were obviously people who had chosen to stay single or not to have children for the sake of their careers.

We have close friends who lost their son aged 40+ a couple of years ago with a verdict of ‘misadventure’. It’s often easy to forget in the course of an evening together that talking about our 2 sons needs to be kept to a minimum, particularly because they are a big part of our lives as they live near.

I took a very long time to conceive and lots of people, including my own mother, seemed to assume it was a life choice. People frequently told me I didn't know what I was missing and regaled with long descriptions of how clever, funny, talented, good looking etc. their children were. After a while I ran with it and used the opportunity to tell people that having children or not was a personal choice and to mind their own *** business. My sister, who genuinely is child free from choice, suffered from the same thing but took a softer, more tactful line than I did. I am now blessed with grand children but I take care not to bang on about them.

Your friend sounds selfish to me. It's your life. If it's all about your family -
AC and GC so be it. She needs to respect that they are important to you. Maybe she talks endlessly about foreign holidays that you might not have been able to take due to family commitments. Find common ground. You should feel no guilt that she feels hurt. It's not your fault your lives have turned out differently Your life is just as important as hers

This may sound harsh, but your 'friend' needs to be told to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat. It is completely unacceptable to behave like a child wanting attention.

My oldest friend has one child, now living alone, in her later forties and childless, so she has no GC. I try not to go on about my GC too much - she does ask how they are, but I am aware of the disappointment she has that her child's one serious relationship broke up. My family, hopefully, goes on into the future, but hers has now reached the end of the line. She has said this to me, and it is easy to see why she finds it difficult.

Don’t put your grandkids before your friend! As we age we need to expand our socializing not decrease it. I think your friend has made a very honest statement - and she obviously values your friendship - so make time for her and when you’re together don’t bog her down with grandparent stories.

There is nothing so hurtful to the man or woman who wanted children, but was not able to have them to be side-lined by good friends who have become parents.

It would have done more good if your friend had told you that when your children were small, and asked you to make room for her as an extra auntie, or if you had realised that you could share the joy and the exasperation of young children with her.

Now at last she has told you how she felt then, and how all this talk of grandchildren makes her feel now.

And what do you do? You talk about your grandchildren whenever you see this friend.

If you value her friendship make time for her. Ask her if she would care now and then to give a hand when you have the grandchildren visiting. And find time to invite her or go out with her when you don't have the grandchildren and TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

If you don't value her friendship, be honest and tell her you feel the friendship has run its course. If you go on as you are right now, the good lady will presumably take the hint and drop you. Is that really what you want?