AGING PARENTS

We are both 80 - on Christmas Day we went to Wiltshire to my youngest son and family- on Boxing Day - 10 other members of the family came here - plus 2 dogs. 6 of them stayed. I had a quiz, a jigsaw if people wanted quiet, music, games, eg Balderdash, Pictionary - games everyone can join in, also stopped teenage grandchildren from looking at their phones 24/7. Just organise a bit of fun for all. Try it next year - good luck.

My Mum is 91 and she and I would both have been on our own for Christmas so I went to stay in a hotel near her sheltered flat (dogs not allowed to stay with her) and Ellie Dog and I went to her. I brought all the necessary for Christmas lunch and we cooked it together. In the afternoon we played games, Guess Who and dominoes. She slaughtered me at doms! My daughter and her family face timed us and Mum was very excited to see them. She was also very impressed that when she realised that we had missed the King’s speech I was able to get it on my iPad. Just a quiet day, but different from her usual routine.

Oh dear! I’m not in my eighties yet, but not far off! We always hosted Christmas for our daughters and their families, until there were too many large presents to transport to our house. Then we went to eldest daughters. When my DH died, I have continued to go to daughters for Christmas Day & Boxing Day, usually driving myself and helping out where I can. I would be horrified if she viewed my presence in that way, and wouldn’t want to go again!

I'm afraid that this year I did feel as if I was a bit of a nuisance - the part of the family I stayed with (only for three days) are a quiet bunch but I did feel there was a bit of an atmosphere. I think my extreme deafness - and I do have the best hearing aids I can afford - may have contributed to it. Anyway I have decided that next year we'd be happier all round if I stayed 'home alone' and I shall make sure I'll jolly well enjoy it! I'm a fit and healthy 82yo but will obviously decline as the years go by, so things can only get worse!
I don't know what to say about the OP's situation but it seems they are all very quiet people. I think as everyone says a few silly games around the table could lighten the atmosphere - but not if that would be totally out of character. Some people are just not naturally chatty, and most elderly people have some sort of hearing loss that makes general conversation difficult. I don't think chronological age has much to do with it.

Crikey!….. my sister and husband are 84 and they hosted 6 members of their family AND had the 4 great-grandsons come over in afternoon….and they’re all under 4 years old! They said it was tiring having four generations on the go ….but as my sister says “ tired is better than dead “🥳😂

I agree with the replies on here. Make it fun. Age is just a number and they still hurt inside if people, especially relatives are making them feel left out. I feel sorry for them.

In later years (she died at nearly 93) my Mum enjoyed going out to eat and thas meant less work all round. Is this an option? Mind you, she was very much a life and soul of the party person, always positive and loved socialising. Miss her still and this has been the fourth Christmas spent without her.

Did you talk to them or expect them to make the conversation, it can be hard keeping up sometimes when everyone is talking at the same time and busy to follow what is going on especially if they are hard of hearing, don't forget you and your family are together all the time and conversation can sometimes be a bit inhouse, I would tell your son and his GF, to meet and greet take coats get them a drink make sure they are comfortable, the youngsters can stay a for lunch then go out for a walk or to the pub if they want to, I would then ask if they want to play cards or watch some telly , put one of the old shows on or a quiz show and chat about their and your childhood and what's changed over the years for good and bad. Have a trial run over Easter or a bank holiday. But try and relax.

My mum is 96, and with brothers away, she has been with us most years. She even agreed to sleep over this year, despite the stairs. This eased her mind as we could all have a drink, and not have to drive her home. On Xmas morning we hired a golf buggy and rugged her up and was able to play 6 holes before lunch. The great grandchildren visited on different days so it did not become too much. Just about made it but gets harder every year. Especially when the melancholy sets in.

I wonder if this is a new problem for the OP? I had imagined that they'd have spent time over Christmas with the same people for many years, so can only guess that it has not been a problem before and something must have changed.
I no longer have aged relatives but never found it difficult to have them staying.
I agree with others that it would probably be best to ask her mother and father what they would like to do next year.

Are they behaving very differently to previously? If not I would not be concerned at all - if you don't enjoy the day - what would you like to do? We are a small and quiet family. At the risk of stating the obvious Christmas is at a time when we are short of day light and people do tend to hibernate. Perhaps they are happy with their day to day life and not in need of 'special' times. Some Christmasses we get together, play a new game or jigsaw, swap recipes etc - some not. This year DD and SL went to Morroco for some much needed rest and warmth. We will catch up when the weather is better.

I so understand that JaneJudge said,, I guess I am one of those ageing parents... gosh I do hope my small family don`t see me like that!

I was the eldest, and alone now, down to a 2 year old,, we just mixed together, I do hope I wasn`t hard work,, I just wander around, sit here, talk to whoever, I didn`t feel any discomfort, now I will have to go check that I am not "hard work"

I wonder what the real underlaying problem is.
Over Christmas we had relatives from age 2 through 20s, 40s 60s 70s and the eldest being 92. Everyone certainly seemed to enjoy themselves. They ate what they liked of what was offered, joined in games, watched a little TV and some even had a little snooze.
I certainly hope no one felt like a burden.

Were you cooking Chrustmas Day? Were your parents on their own Christmas Day? I ask this because if you were cooking Chrustmas Day there would be lots of food that was already cooked and if they were being cooked fir Christmas Day, the Eve had there Christmas dinner already, so food would be easy. I’m a few years off their age but I drive to my sons each Christmas Day and am on my own Boxing Day. I would hate to think of one day as a burden, we just chill catch up, eat and watch television, it’s all very easy. To be with their grand son and his girlfriend would be lovely for them too. I know it’s likely in the future that I will be on my own Christmas Day but I will have to remember a lifetime of lovely ones.

My dh has just suggested the elderly parents may have hearing problems which can be isolating in company.

Apart from the wording in the OP I do feel your pain. It can be hard if a group of introverts and grumpy teenagers sit down to lunch.
When DH was alive and his DP Christmas day was a bundle of fun because everyone was determined that it would be. Sometimes there were as many as 20. I hosted but others were delegated to bring food or crackers.
I miss those days.
DMiL died in 2023 so this was the first Christmas with no-one older than me.
DS and DDiL hosted DBiL, me and the DGC.
It was lovely. We began with champagne and presents. Delicious food and a walk with the dog while it was still light.
We played a quiz game and charades. The DGC played their instruments and finally we watched a bit of TV. I dozed off
I hope the others enjoyed it as much as I did. You've got me worried now!
I'm 75.

This year we had 8 for Christmas dinner . Myself , my husband , 2 adult kids. My mum 88 , my brother and his kids , 16 and 17 . We had a wonderful day . Drinks to start and then presents , lunch which lasted for hours and then games in the evening.
My mum loved seeing 2 of her ac and 4 of her dgc. She loves to reminisce about her past and my ac love to hear her stories .
Maybe for next time get out the photo albums to trigger some memories. And ask about their past , because when they’re gone , so are their stories . I wish I’d asked my mil and fil more about their past .
Next time check out suitable films . Netflix and Amazon prime have the first month free , just remember to cancel .
When Bridgerton first aired , I thought it was just a period drama and suggested it for viewing with my mum .
Luckily my ds said ‘don’t think so mum ‘😳

Enjoy your parents presence while you can , you will miss them when they are gone
Wise words 65KL

JaneJudge

We are a small family too. The easiest thing I have found is to not put too much pressure on myself! Let people do what they want, stick the television on, a film. Leave them indoors and go for a walk to escape - or all go for a walk. The key is not trying to make everyone happy, just make them relaxed.

I'm sure you were fine.

I agree.
Mum is the same age as yours and enjoys coming to us at Christmas, that’s Christmas Day not Boxing Day.
My family all live fairly close so nobody needs to stay over.
Just be yourself with them, food and a bit of chat and whatever they want to do, tv or a nap in the chair.

Ageing - remove that label for a start 🙂
It means nothing.

Good grief!
No lack of conversation here!

Why was it so painful - are you too worn out to be good hosts? Was everyone hung over after Christmas Day?
Keep food more simple on Boxing Day, enlist help from the younger generation to wait in, wash up etc.
Or go to the pub.

Play some games, Who Am I, Jenga, Kerplunk, do some quizzes

My dad had a severe stroke , and lived two years with very limited ability to talk , he also was unable to swallow properly so food was a major problem . My family is also very small. We included him in everything , we put on music for him and the odd film . Even though he couldn't communicate it I am sure he felt happy and comfortable to be just there as part of family . Enjoy your parents presence while you can , you will miss them when they are gone

Sounds like you dreaded it? Wrong approach…… make it fun. Drinks on arrival, music, food,chat. After lunch offer games- if not willing, able bodied go for a walk ! More drinks/ sweets/ Xmas presents/ chat/ look at old photos! Resort to Tv if necessary.
Day has passed- they’re probably had a lovely time. It’s only one day

Food - ask them beforehand.

Conversation - as soon as it starts to dry up, we turn to games.
Have a think beforehand as to which ones they may like.

But they may surprise you.
Turned out that my in laws like Jen ga. Who knew!

Some games also lend themselves to interesting conversations.

Jigsaws?

Depends on their health. My dad is 88 with Parkinson's (although coping very well)

Myself and daughter made Christmas dinner at my dads flat.

My dad wasn't feeling well and went to bed in the afternoon, he got back up but just could not face eating the meal. He went back to bed.

But this is just how it goes if parent/s are not up to much.

We just go with the flow. Deal with how my dad is at the time.

We understand he is missing my mum. No it isn't a bundle of fun but hey ho! not a lot we can do. We do our best.

I’m not in my 80s yet, but I’d hate to become a boring or difficult to please ‘guest’ . I have been in mixed-ages company over the Xmas period, from 20 year olds , the oldest being 84. As a matter of fact, she was the most vocal, most knowledgable and most fun. We played games, ate an array of food/nibbles with not one person refusing or worrying about their digestive system.