AGING PARENTS

Grandmadinosaur

It’s not just aging parents or family members who can be hard work. I think many people have members of all ages who could be classed as hard work. Just saying.

Grandchildren, past infant ages, are incredibly hard work.

Indeed. One should know one’s own parents well enough. I would be appalled if, after spending one day with my son and his wife, I was described to all and sundry as ‘hard work’.

It’s not just aging parents or family members who can be hard work. I think many people have members of all ages who could be classed as hard work. Just saying.

Many people are introverted. Not everyone wants endless chat and board games. Perhaps they were happy eating and watching?

Yes FP, just one day!

I’m 83, brother is 87, children in their fifties, teenage grandchildren. Conversation flows, everyone joins in. We don’t play games - I would hate that! We talk.

Not much help, I know. I just wanted to point out that some of us ARE the aging parents, and it doesn’t seem to be problem for anybody.

Agreed GSM. Most of us are either the 'aging' parents or not far off. I hope we are never referred to as in the OP!

Due to OH's job, we could never be with my parents in their home- so they always came to us, right up to their late 80s. And stayed for a good 2 + weeks. Sometimes it was a bit much - but I certainly never regretted having them with us all those years. And OP had them for just one day! Wow !

In a very few years we will (if we’re spared!) be the ages of the OP’s ‘aging’ parents. I can’t imagine being described as ageing, let alone ‘hard work’ or ‘painful’ to host - if indeed we are being hosted rather than continuing to do it ourselves as we always have and expect to continue doing. I hope she doesn’t think all people of her parents’ age are lacking in conversation - certainly not the case here! She makes them sound like feeble geriatrics. Perhaps they react according to. the way they are perceived and treated?

Oh dear we also come within this age range! I did lunch for 7 on Boxing Day and dinner for 10 NYs Eve.
I don’t know what food you served but sometimes older people do have a problem digesting certain foods, surely you and mum could chat it over, she must have done many a Christmas.
Some families do chat a lot others not as much, how about card games, we love beating them all at poker!
I am sure they enjoyed all being together with you, that is the best bit

Perhaps the problem isn't the aged parents but the OP, her DH and DS and girlfriend.

I remember, a few years ago, sitting in a restaurant discretely watching a family party at another table. It consisted of grandmother, parents and a boy of about 12. They sat at the table for 45 minutes and the only time they spoke was to the waiter for functional reasons. ordering food, choosing drinks and deciding on extras. They didn't look as if they had had a row, occasionally they would look at their phones. The rest of the time they just sat there and said absolutely nothing. was fascinated.

Meanwhile our family part:y grandparents, parents and two grandchildren were talking non-stop 19 to the dozen.

Hells, bells. I am 82 and dh 84. Can’t believe the description of lack of conversation and difficulty with food. We chat about all sorts when we meet up. That includes the news, what the family are getting up to, holidays they have been on, plans they have for the future,technology et etc We play games at the table which includes everyone. We laugh at the same programmes and enjoy any food we are offered. We exchange presents and have never felt that we are hard work. My best friend is 12 years younger than me and I have helped her with technology which always amazes her. I’m saying this as I can assure you that people in their eighties are not a problem and would like to know what it is for example you want to talk about that cannot include your older relatives. Perhaps you think us wrinkles don’t have an interest in the younger generation and not up to playing games etc etc. Well you are wrong. So forget their age and treat them like anyone else.

maybe it was only painful for you.. if you regularly spend time together as a family it might be that there just isn't anything new to say.. but they all know that they are loved and cared for. we always used to play games like charades with a mixed age group.. not everyone's taste but we found it amusing..

What has age got to do with it? DH and I are both 80. We hosted the family Christmas for 7 people and I anticipate doing it for several more years.

The problem is more family dynamics than the age of those present. Why not ask your parents about Christmas and how they would like to spend it? How about tickets for a pantomime? One of our Chrustmas treats, the more local and more amateur the better.

Oh dear we are almost that age and didn't realise we would be such a problem. Talk to your parents Mel1967 and find out what they would like to do. Offer options so that everyone can be included. As JaneJudge said don't try too hard sometimes it's nice just to relax and chat.

TBH I didn’t find it a problem until my mother had dementia, when she could no longer cope with a lot of people/noise/a change to her normal routine.

Maybe your parents just enjoy P and Q, nice food, and a warm comfortable house? Do your son and his GF not make conversation? How about the TV, or games they might enjoy? (Or not!). Another time I’d ask them if there’s anything they’d like to watch or play.

I have had that in the past and the worse thing you can do is to try and please everyone. How about some games around the table? Ask them what they would like to do. I bet they really enjoyed being amount you all.

Had you asked them how they would want to spend the day or just feel that they should be invited? Old habits die hard but aren’t always the best plan.

We are a small family too. The easiest thing I have found is to not put too much pressure on myself! Let people do what they want, stick the television on, a film. Leave them indoors and go for a walk to escape - or all go for a walk. The key is not trying to make everyone happy, just make them relaxed.

I'm sure you were fine.

Were they unhappy? The older people, I mean.
Maybe they were just glad to be warm and fed and have company? Or would they enjoy some suitable games?
Or something on i-player? Could you ask them?