AGING PARENTS

We aren't like the families on TV either. DH late 70s, me a tad younger. Two married daughters (one 200 miles away), two grandkids 11 and 9. Closest daughter usually hosts Christmas Day nowadays as is easier for the kids and always invites her inlaws who live nearby and lost their only daughter in her 30s. Unfortunately we often get lumbered with her hubby's unmarried uncle too, but otherwise it all goes well.

This year she invited other daughter and son-in-law, so lovely for us. We both have mobility issues so getting down on the floor with the GKs is not on, but we love watching others with them. Everyone includes us in chit-chat and we make the effort to join in. Don't usually need the telly to keep us amused but there's usually a new toy or game to join in with.

We do meet up with all these folks now and again during the year and so we all have things to chat about - new car, holidays, the garden. In-laws are good at small-talk, we are less so, but it all goes well - so we think! We are lucky that we are all decent people.

My main "complaint" is that I'm always cold at their house. DD is a bit of a skinflint, so no heating on (or turned low) but I prepare for that. Wonder if your parents feel the cold? I also have a back problem so I grab a dining chair to sit on in the lounge. Maybe your parents aren't as comfy as they'd like to be? Other people have mentioned sight and hearing issues too.

Or maybe, as has been said, they just aren't great conversationalists. If they don't have much else in their lives it is hard to initiate conversation or join in with others. DH and I are busy people, lots going on - though we have to take care not to embark on politics or religion!!!

My late mum was a quiet lady and not great at small talk but I never got the impression she felt like a nuisance, she enjoyed feeling wanted, comfortable and got involved as much as she could - dementia permitting!!!

Re food, both SILs have strong likes/dislikes so I just make sure I have a variety.

I agree with others that age is not really relevant - much older folks can be fun and much younger ones deadly boring. Most years we've hosted Boxing Day with just our girls/hubbies and GKs and it has gone fine - maybe a walk round their home village, a couple of drinks at the pub, back to a good buffet spread, mostly prepared by me, with the two SILs clearing up after (great young men!).

As well as all the suggestions of TV programmes how about some Christmas Carols to sing along to? Old-fashioned games (even Snap!) - though my inlaws would never have enjoyed that.

I wonder what Mell's parents thought of the day? I bet they enjoyed it in their own way. Don't beat yourself up, just think of a bit of variety for next time.

.win you made me smile re reference to playing cards . This was my dad and I too. I used to invite his card playing mates around and we would spend a joyful afternoon together . I'm sure he'd get frustrated at my mistakes. Thanks for the memory

lone without feeling deprived. I have two sons, one of 58.with two grown children, one of 48 with two little boys aged 3 and 5 rather cramped in a central London maisonette. This is hard work as both parents mostly work from home. They decided to spend a quiet Christmas en famille. My divorced son and his children live near each other near Brighton one a commuting student to a !ondoncollege, one working and travelling with his own srtart up company. I have recently moved to a small two bed terrace in the centre of a market town in Suffolk. I am still on good terms with my ex daughter in law but she is drifting away with a new man friend. The travelling distance from Suffolk to the coast of West Sussex is now unreachable for me as I walk with a wheeled aid, can no longer drive, and can no longer rely on trains to get me to Brighton. This has been going on for over two years. All this seems to me a probably typical situation

As an aging parent myself, also 83, this made me laugh. I can imagine the gloom. In my experience Christmas is to some extent to be endured if there are no young children around. Telly and cups of tea, remembering what you've done at previous Christmases. Activity getting the dinner ready, then perfect peace, the King's speech and a snooze.

The OP asked for suggestions for next year. Beyond age we know nothing more of their party. Clearly sitting quietly snoozing, thinking or perhaps reading doesn't work.

In her circumstance, she could perhaps try a jigsaw, on a table to the side into which people can dip in and out, younger people can go for a walk. Older people might like a ride out to a beauty spot, or somewhere with good views. Check the tv schedules for programmes you all would enjoy or stream an old film they might enjoy and may not be able to access at home, or watch a DVD. Talking about the film will engender conversation and reminscences.

I am part of the older couple and we were perfectly happy keeping the children out of the kitchen and the dog, too.

My Mum died at 79 and my Dad at nearly 88. They were both fantastic company and I never felt bored in their company. They were brilliant parents (and grandparents) and but both different personalities. Maybe I was just lucky but never felt I needed to entertain them.

65KL, likewise my husband who was totally paralysed and did not communicate verbally at all after his severe stroke. I cared for him for 8 years and knew he enjoyed every minutes of it bar the personal care I had to perform. We have never excluded him from anything we do, when playing cards he sat next to me and he and I would decide on the card to play together, nothing is impossible, I would give anything to have him back. and do it all over again. Treasure them whilst you still have them.

Try board games,cards,charades,’murders in the dark’. If they don’t want to play they might enjoy watching ,tv or radio.

I think Boxing Day is the day to recover . I’d put out a very large jigsaw if you have the space and also perhaps put an old photo album on the computer for a slide show. Requires planning. If people post on Gransnet they are probably have plenty to say in real life. I have plenty to say normally but I like to listen to the DGC . I also love people watching so happily remain silent and watch the antics of others. I’m 78.btw so not far off.

We are all aging, no matter how old we are now

Why worry about Christmas 11.5 months in advance? Avoid that source of stress, drop the expectations, do what makes you all happy the rest of the year and problem solved

How about booking up a restaurant ready for next year? Maybe that would ease the pressure

We are the ageing/aged parents and had no difficulty chatting with DDs over Christmas. Lots to catch up on with news of their plans for 2024 and news of their friends, many of whom we have known for over 30 years but no longer see as we all live geographically scattered. We had two jigsaws on the go - a small and a large. We played along with some TV quizzes (Pointless, Weakest Link, 1% Club). We ate drank and were merry. We count ourselves fortunate and I feel for those experiencing difficult times with elderly relatives. Who's to say DH and I won't become those difficult guests in times to come...

This year we couldn't be with ACs and GCs- but we didn't make a drama out of it. We invited my older brother, who is widowed, for a few days. He is Aspergers, and will not watch TV. He was given the choice of cancelling as I had gone down with Covid a week before- and chose to come. Having him over can be hard work due to his Asperger's- but I wouldn't have wanted him to be on his own. We watched some old films from Ye Olde VHS box- and played Scrabble and Rumikub - he beats me hands down, and loves it!

Make a choice, either you do, or you don't- but make the best of it and put your best smile on, and breathe! Or don't bother at all.

Perhaps they were feeling melancholic, some folk feel this way at Christmastime. Not everyone can feel jovial and want to join in. I hope they found comfort being with family.

Mel1967 as they were all with you on Boxing Day, where had you all been on Christmas Day? Were they just tired (and stuffed!) if they'd already had a "big day out"?

As you describe them as "ageing", are there health-related issues that make things harder for them now?

Do they sit and wait to be "entertained"? My Granny used to take her knitting to Mum and Dad's so she had something to do.

It sounds like it didn't suit any of you really. Could you have a talk to them and say you fancy doing something different next year, what would they enjoy?

My Granny in her later years used to book herself on a coach trip to a hotel with her nephew and his family over Christmas.
I think she found them more fun than her own offspring! 🤣

I must admit to disliking TV adverts where everyone's one big happy family having all sorts of laughs and jollifications. It doesn't work like this for many of us and these adverts can make people discontented with their lot. We are led to feel we 'should' have lots of family round enjoying each others company. It's not always so and that may not always be a problem.

Personally I feel far too much is made of Christmas to the point where if it doesnt turn into a barrel of laughs its easy to feel upset. Not everyone has a fun loving family who talk non-stop, and actually there is nothing wrong with that. Horses for courses. We have had very fraught Christmases in the past when my parents were alive. Mum would arrive, sit in total silence until the first possible point at which she could leave, and then go. She hated noise, leaving her own home, eating in general, drinking, playing games, talking and having 'fun'. Her happy place was in her groove, in her own home, on her own with her dogs. Some people are just like that and vive la difference. If we were hosting we tried to accept that our family isnt like the ones you see on adverts, which doesnt mean we failed to provide a good Christmas. Banish any guilt or feeling that you should try harder next year. It is what it is.

I am in my 89th year and live alone with limited visits from the only 2 of my family members nearby, due their work committments. Spent a few hours, including Christmas dinner, with them where we had a lot of catching up chat and playing with the family dogs. Having enjoyed my dinner and time with them, I came back home, fairly late evening, to let my daughter and granddaughter enjoy some rest before having to get back to work in a couple if days. If I felt I was a nuisance because of my age I wouldn't even consider leaving my home - I am happy with my own and my dog's company and enjoy the nature around me.

My sons inlaws are both in their 70s I’m late 50s and grandkids age from 5yr yesterday lol up we play games chat you name it we do it all together my grandson is 5 is normal on my team so I loose everytime. Like they say you are only as young has you feel lol

Gosh OP, so difficult for you. Not helpful for people to say that they do not have this problem. My father was teetotal and if my mother had a drink it went straight to her head. Dad would be sitting worried (rightly) at how she might behave. Even without a drink she was erratic.
What we did - no alcohol, traditional food with easier to digest options as back up, on the table to help yourself. No walks; they would not go out in case relatives might phone. Grandchildren had books and jigsaws and under instruction to ask GPs for help.
Constant cups of tea. TV programmes they like so some pre recorded, also the. Christmas version of their “likes”, Countdown, Millionaire, Fawlty Towers. They would have played cards but only for a short time as they got frustrated at everyone else’s ineptitude, which we had to laugh off.
Sweeties - bring out their favourites at moments of awkward silence, photos of different combinations of those present.
Occasionally a communal crossword.
Talking about planning the garden for next year was always a good topic.
Hope that helps, but I sympathise as my parents were often melancholy at Christmas and I couldn’t change that.

I don't understand the age issue. Surely it's about individuals and age doesn't really come into it. There is enough ageism about without adding to it. I agree with the suggestions made by most about how to spend Christmas Day with family.

How sad! am one of those ageing parents…I’m 81 and my husband is 85. We are a small family too but I hope our daughter and son in law (that we spent Christmas day with) didn’t feel we made it a difficult day for them! After all, Christmas Day - like no other - is all about family and I would hope that on this one day they would be a little more accepting of us and we of them…..because we’re family!

It's the togetherness that counts! You don't have to be a Jools Holland in your own home.

If you are not talkers or game players, I would suggest a good film.

If you have a smart tv and or Sky/Amazon Prime/Netflix you can find loads of suitable films. Or a film on DVD if you still have a DVD player.

I recorded South Pacific for my MIL, she also enjoyed The Greatest Showman.