Felt obliged to reciprocate gift

Patsy70

You’ve worked it all out for yourself. This person doesn’t deserve you as a friend. Definitely no more gifts, but a birthday card with the briefest of messages, would be a good idea.

Thanks Patsy70.
I'd already distanced myself (and will continue to do so) - it was the reciprocal gift thing & other opinions I was interested in 👍.
I was annoyed at myself for feeling pressured & obliged into giving a gift and wondered what others would have done.

Others here seem to think that she has been unreasonable and agree that my resolution to maintain a polite distance is correct.

I've got my 'big girl pants' on now and won't be pressured or backed into an uncomfortable corner again 👍

You’ve worked it all out for yourself. This person doesn’t deserve you as a friend. Definitely no more gifts, but a birthday card with the briefest of messages, would be a good idea.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts - very much appreciated 😘.

I'll continue to distance myself, only speak when spoken to /contacted and not engaged or mention her name when I see her other family members.
If she does reach out or invite me to anything, I'll decline politely saying that I'm too busy or have prior arrangements.

I've definitely made my mind up to put a birthday card through her door in a couple of months (absolutely, definitely no gift though) - I don't want to be petty or to be seen as being nasty by others for not sending a card.

I don't think I'll ever understand why she presented that Christmas gift, but hey..... I'm enjoying drinking it 😊.

If anything similar should happen in the future with her, then I'll take this as a life lesson & definitely be stronger and say 'thank you for thinking of me, but I feel it's not appropriate for me to accept your gift or for me to buy you one".

Another friend told me that people come into your life for either a reason, a season or life - maybe this person was a' reason' to teach me to be more assertive?

I think you really need to cut all ties.

Nannyjan - I was really hurt by her actions, deceit and lies that I discovered after she'd 'dropped' me & rebuffed invitations, etc.
After 12 months of simply bumping into her occasionally and in passing at the Gym, I will certainly not be extending anymore invitations, sending texts or reaching out in any shape or form whatsoever.
If I'm contacted re a birthday event or party invitation in March or as a result of her ending relationship (with a male who is younger than her eldest son BTW), I'll politely decline - I don't want to be enemies, but would rather not be 'that sort of friend' again.

I'm still annoyed with myself that I felt obliged to reciprocate the Christmas gift - I won't be buying a birthday gift!

I don't expect to hear from her between now and March & am swapping gym days & times to avoid her too.
I'll acknowledge her big Birthday in March with a card and also send cards to her other family members who iv know for years, but definitely no gifts!

She had no friends other than me and bitched constantly about several work colleagues who logged formal complaints about her.
Even her own daughter has since told me that this behaviour has been a pattern her whole life where she is totally absorbed & invested in 1 person and then moves on to something or someone else (even to the detriment of her youngest & middle children).

If someone 'drops' you when they start a relationship. That is all you need to know. Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in their life.

I would be prepared for her to resume contact 'if' that relationship ends. What would you do in that instance?

I know what you mean about “casual” friends, I have a few that I message occasionally maybe I get a reply maybe not, I do try to see them at Christmas and drop off a small present of home made goodies.
I have my life, they have theirs and I don’t fret if we don’t see each other

In my opinion if you send a birthday card this will give her a reason to contact you and she will, when it suits her, draw you into her web of deceit. Please be brave and cut all ties. You owe her nothing.

I'm not going to change my gym as there isn't another close by with comparible facilities, but after considering the situation I will (as much as I can) be changing the times and classes I attend so that I don't bump into her.

I feel like I should send a birthday card in March (definitely no gift though) as I send cards to her other family who also have Springtime birthdays.
if I don't send one it would feel childish, impolite & be like not saying hello when passing in the street or gym.

As you say...... Be polite 😉

I dropped a Christmas card through her door as I thought it was a polite, adult thing to do. I send cards to neighbours and other members of her family (I knew them long before I was friends with her).
Also, she dropped a birthday card for me through my door in November.

If it was me I would not contact her again and would probably change my gym - but maybe that's a bit drastic!

Do you think, when she chose the bottle of Irish cream, she thought the perfect gift for my lovely friend? I expect she had bought a stack of them for occasions like this. I would be suspicious that she is maybe trying to rekindle the friendship for her big birthday. I’m not sure I would’ve even have given her a gift and really, you said you’re not bothered about being friendly with this person, so maybe put an end to it now.

You sent her a Christmas Card 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thanks for that - it was my gut feeling, but wasn't sure if was being churlish and ungracious.
I'll stick to my guns and not be initiating anything - she's shown her true colours and it wasn't a bus I liked 😉.

Just thought after reading your post - she has a big birthday I'm March...... She could be 'putting me on back burner' for that maybe?
I had sent her a Christmas card - should I not send a birthday card in March if no contact or involvement with her by then?

The gift was either a guilty conscience gift or an offering to keep you on the back burner for a little longer, just in case she needs to pick you up again. Either way it's a pity you accepted it and reciprocated with your own gift because now she'll feel that you're still available on the periphery if needed. Up to you if you're comfortable with that but personally I'd be polite when our paths crossed but nothing more. And I definitely wouldn't be exchanging any more gifts.

Thanks for the replies - it really has been playing on my mind why she did this and if I did the right / wrong thing 🥴. Was she looking to restart friendship or was it a narcissist gift (aren't I great buying you a gift type of thing).?
gift was 'Irish cream liquer' Bluebelle 😋

I think the latter PestyOne get on with your life and forget about it all. If the lady in question gets in touch again maybe you need to rethink this friendship.
Good wishes for the New Year and don't fret about this it's not worth it.

I am curious what was her gift to you ?
I wouldn’t bother any more personally not worth getting wound up over I wouldn’t have put an expensive gift together either … a bottle of whatever you had handy would have done
Put it behind you and move on