How to tell them you didn’t like a present!

My family usually buy me warm and practical garments because I complain of the cold a lot. I’m usually pleasantly surprised with their choice. If not I will just wear it at home so it’s not a big problem. I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings as we have good relationships and they all work hard to earn their money.

Doodledog

Cambsnan

Thank you for the comments. Reading them makes me realise presents are not what this is about. I love my kids and see 2 of them every week. Mainly when they drop off or pick up kids. again I realise I am lucky to have that sort of relationship with the children. But!! Sometimes it would be nice to have a little time with my children that are just for us. Maybe selfish as they work, have children and are busy but I miss them as people. I don’t want that expensive jumper, I want the time it took you to choose it to enjoy a chat in a coffee shop!

That makes perfect sense, Cambsnan, and I’m sure you’re not alone. Maybe try broaching that with them? Tricky maybe without sounding needy, which I’m sure you aren’t; but could you suggest that all Christmas presents for adults stop in favour of a family meal or something you’d all enjoy?

That’s the solution! 😊

Oh, yes, I also suggest framed photographs, which are always very welcome.

Our family always ask for ideas for birthday and Christmas gifts, sometimes with links to buy on line. I ask them to keep it simple, and suggest consumables - candles, reed diffusers, toiletries or garden vouchers. I am always delighted with the thought that goes into it. You would have to be extremely diplomatic Cambsnan to avoid hurting their feelings. Why not go shopping prior to birthdays/Christmases, pointing out items that you like. Sorry your Mum isn’t more grateful Doodledog, but there is obviously no pleasing her, is there?

^Otherwise, take avoiding action well in advance “I’ve been thinking I have so much stuff/so many clothes etc I’d like framed photos of the family for my birthday or a treat of an outing with you all”
Be creative and don’t hurt their feelings.^

This. Seems they are wasting a lot of money

Don’t.
A sweater can always be accidentally shrunk in the wash, a shirt can be irrevocably stained by grease or bolognese sauce, perfumes and smellies can be donated to charity shops , but relationships once fractured may never recover.
Otherwise, take avoiding action well in advance “I’ve been thinking I have so much stuff/so many clothes etc I’d like framed photos of the family for my birthday or a treat of an outing with you all”
Be creative and don’t hurt their feelings.

Maybe suggest a family coffee break at a garden centre, with the chance for you to choose a plant/ gardening equipment/ something from the shop together while you are there?
Lots of garden centres have instore outlets and many have play areas for children too.

But you are so right - it's the time together that is the most precious gift of all, especially with our adult children.

I find both choosing and receiving presents very difficult. I have already too much stuff and enough money to buy anything i might need. My adult children are the same.
This year we finally got it right. I gave them theatre vouchers and they gave me a voucher for afternoon tea.

Cambsnan

Thank you for the comments. Reading them makes me realise presents are not what this is about. I love my kids and see 2 of them every week. Mainly when they drop off or pick up kids. again I realise I am lucky to have that sort of relationship with the children. But!! Sometimes it would be nice to have a little time with my children that are just for us. Maybe selfish as they work, have children and are busy but I miss them as people. I don’t want that expensive jumper, I want the time it took you to choose it to enjoy a chat in a coffee shop!

That makes perfect sense, Cambsnan, and I’m sure you’re not alone. Maybe try broaching that with them? Tricky maybe without sounding needy, which I’m sure you aren’t; but could you suggest that all Christmas presents for adults stop in favour of a family meal or something you’d all enjoy?

Its the thought that counts, I couldn't do that. However I had a sister in law, who did do that and asked me to get her something else!

My children are very good at choosing, they know my tastes well.

Thank you for the comments. Reading them makes me realise presents are not what this is about. I love my kids and see 2 of them every week. Mainly when they drop off or pick up kids. again I realise I am lucky to have that sort of relationship with the children. But!! Sometimes it would be nice to have a little time with my children that are just for us. Maybe selfish as they work, have children and are busy but I miss them as people. I don’t want that expensive jumper, I want the time it took you to choose it to enjoy a chat in a coffee shop!

Thanks for all the suggestions, most of which I have tried! I am not ungrateful and thank them nicely. I do tell them what I want. They then get that plus something else as a surprise ( they are great sons and daughters). I guess like many, what I really want is experiences not stuff!

Change the system! I would NEVER buy clothes for my family and let it be known what I like. How hard is it to suggest a few things from cheap to a bit more pricey? My birthday is rather close to Christmas and I discourage family from spending much the second time around. They are incredibly generous and I have learned not to give too many suggestions or I get them all. What about asking for vouchers - M&S which could be used for food,underwear or a treat?

DD usually sends me a photo before she buys, if she's buying me something to wear.

Oreo

Doodledog that’s just awful for you.Stick to flowers or plants? Does she have any form of dementia? My Mum always says she’s pleased with presents and maybe she is and maybe she isn’t but would never complain about them.

The last time we got her flowers she complained that her house 'was like a florist' as my daughter and her friend had sent some too.

Tempting though the goat option may be , she wouldn't like that either. I don't think she has dementia - she's always been the same, really. She complains about things that other people have bought her, too - nothing is ever right.

It's almost as though she has a deep-seated need to have someone understand her enough to get the perfect present, but as it hasn't happened in nearly 90 years I think it's unlikely that it will happen now. It's such a shame, as it can't be nice being permanently disappointed, and she has missed out by not taking pleasure in what she has been given.

Sorry also not so

We all share lists too and so usually get something we all like. I so give small surprises too as I know the brands my daughters likes. We are always happy to change something if we hate it but they very rarely happens

You either have to keep on smiling to tell them,which ever makes you less disgruntled.

welbeck

Doodledog, next time, how about a goat for a poor family in Sudan, with her name on it, IYSWIM.

😂

Doodledog that’s just awful for you.Stick to flowers or plants? Does she have any form of dementia? My Mum always says she’s pleased with presents and maybe she is and maybe she isn’t but would never complain about them.

kittylester

There is no way to tell them nicely.

No there sure isn’t! It’s rude to complain about a present in any form at all.
Give the knitwear to a charity shop and the expensive toiletries to me 🤪
In good time for next year make an Amazon wishlist and fill it with things you would like.

Goodness, I certainly wouldn't tell them. How very ungrateful you are.

Doodledog, next time, how about a goat for a poor family in Sudan, with her name on it, IYSWIM.

My mum never likes the presents my sister and I get her, and it's so disheartening. She tells us why she didn't like the latest gift, probably so we don't waste our money in future, but it's too late when we've already spent it, and we are no wiser afterwards, as she never tells us what she would like, so other than adding to the very long list of things she doesn't want, we are back to square one every birthday and Christmas.

At her age she has everything she needs, and she can buy everything she wants. She doesn't like sweets, doesn't wear accessories or make-up, prefers her own jewellery, doesn't like bath products and gets through one bottle of perfume every few years. Candles or diffusers are a non-starter as she has a cat, and she's not a fan of gadgets. As you can see, that limits our options, yet she expects us to surprise her with something she'll like, and always lets us know that we've missed the mark and she's given away the present because she won't use it, or that we really shouldn't get her another one, as it's not her sort of thing at all.

Honestly, Cambsnan, I wouldn't tell them. They've bought you things out of love, in the hope that you will like them. If you can let them know what you would like, that would be great (I wish my mum would do that), but if that's not how your family operates, I would just pretend that you are delighted.

There is no way to tell them nicely.