Sister is Weird about Christmas & Doesn't Like Her Family

Esperanza1974 my sister was just like that. Since teen years she wanted nothing to do with the family.
I never even once was invited to her first flat she lived in and only got invited to her house after the children were born. She had my parents over much more often because the children were very attached to Grandparents.

Anyway, fast forward, and she is in her 60's now, I am in my late 50's and she intended to stay with us for a longer holiday this year as we live overseas. I had a fall out with my BiL and one of the things my sister accused me off was "you just don't want us in your life" - can you believe it? After all this years of keeping me at arms length, she is accusing ME of keeping her out?
Cutting a long story short, she now wants a super tight and close relationship. So your sister my change yet.
Too bad that I don't want a close relationship with her anymore but I smile and keep the peace as much as I can and keep my thoughts about her to myself.

i enjoyed christmas till i was 12, then every year after that
stepdad was drunk and i had to wrap the presents with mum, sometimes my own, i was the eldest so i was expected to understand, i helped with the christmas dinner and the clear up. i married and had a son and went to my mums until he was 5 and said to me, why do i need to go out and not play with my new toys, after that it was just the three of us with no sit down dinner, just a buffet and he said it was the best christmas ever, he got to age 11 and asked me to stop waking him up on christmas morning and after that he never bothered about christmas, when he was working he always worked christmas to allow other workers to spend christmas with there kids. for the past two months my mum has gone on and on about spending christmas with me, i don't have a tv and my christmas dinner with be tinned salmon sandwiches with cucumber and fruit and ice cream for afters, recently became diabetic so no delving into the big tub of roses or reading my book with a box of after eights.
everyone should celebrate how they want to, no point in being mad at her, she may change in years to come when she might be on her own, family is something you can't change and not everyone want's to spend time with family. hope you enjoy christmas.

Esperanza1974

Erm, her parents and sister are immediate family.

And yes, I have a low opinion - in some ways - of someone who won't even invite their widowed, terminally ill dad for Christmas.

Have you asked her why?

I can see you’re having a sad time and are experiencing lots of grief. If you have the means, I would recommend counselling. It will help you release your anger and find some perspective.

Btw, I too have a sister I find difficult…

Esperanza1974: "I will get over it; it's just hard this year with my second parent having died recently and my divorce, and my first Christmas with no parents. It's an adjustment to go from having two parents and a longterm marriage to none of them being around."

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be a very strange time for you without the comfort of family during the Cristmas season. You will be going through a whirlwind of emotions as you continue through the grieving process but you are strong and you will be okay. A walking partner or group might help. GriefShare might be useful.

(Congratulations on getting rid of an abusive partner!)

To be fair, anger is a recognised stage of the grieving process, so I apologise for my less than helpful response, at first.

The points still stand, though, in that you can't make somebody behave how you think they should.

Having different feelings than you does not make her weird, I quite admire her for doing what she wants to do rather than being pressured by her family.

I don't think that moaning on here anonymously is wrong. It's very different from talking about someone to people who know them.

I also don't think that expecting your sister to do things that will make her uncomfortable so that you aren't uncomfortable is reasonable. I think Oscar Wilde said that living life your own way isn't selfish - expecting others to do things your way is selfish, and he was right.

I do understand that the thought of being alone at Christmas could be upsetting, but as you are spending it with a friend, why the resentment against your sister?

Esperanza1974

@growstuff said:

Wow! If she knows you have such a low opinion of her, are you really surprised that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you?

I know loads of people who would rather spend Christmas Day just with their immediate family or partner. It doesn't mean they're anti-social, but they're allowed to do what they want on one day of the year

My reply:

Erm, her parents and sister are immediate family.

And yes, I have a low opinion - in some ways - of someone who won't even invite their widowed, terminally ill dad for Christmas.

By 'immediate family' I meant spouse/partner and children.

MissAdventure

Hmmmmm...

Indeed.

Is this some kind of story? Why were the parents regarded as something to be shared out? Did they not have a voice?

I'm not sure that her behaviour at Christmas is weird as such; just different. There's a lot of pressure on everyone to embrace what is portrayed as "family time", but it's not for everyone. It seems as if your sister has always been like that, so perhaps it's that you're feeling it a lot more this year due to your bereavements and divorce. That's understandable, but I'd try to accept it and have a lovely time with your friend.

What a lot of hate, resentment and anger you have in you, just because they way your sister spends Christmas, doesn't meet with your approval.

What right have you to demand that your sister spends Christmas, Easter, birthdays or any other special days as you demand. How would you feel if she insisted you had to spend those days as she wanted not as you wanted?

Special occason arrangements are not carved in stone. Seeing how much venom you are spitting at your sister, if that is typical of how your family works I can quite understand why she wants to keep you at a distance, especially at Christmas.

Aldom

Autumncolours a very harsh response to someone who is grieving.

Autumncolours truth can be harsh, and sometimes there's no way to make it less harsh.

Autumncolours a very harsh response to someone who is grieving.

It’s up to your sister how she and her family spend Christmas. It’s not very nice to moan to strangers about her on here. Perhaps her DH and ACs longed to be ‘just them’ after the 30 years when she felt obliged to provide Christmas for wider family on both sides. Why do you feel you have the right to be so resentful and disapproving of her choices? You are clearly very bitter and judgmental. Not sure I’d want you at my house over a special time if you talked about me like this behind my back! Focus on enjoying your own life.

Hithere

I am afraid you have answered your own question

"Ever since I can remember, she didn't want much to do with our parents or me, starting in her early teens. She just hated spending time with us. "

So your sister likes spending Christmas the same she grew up, may I ask why does it surprise you this much?

She clearly showed her preferences early in, which are the opposite of yours.

I do hope you enjoy Xmas this year and in future years as well.
I would stop having unreasonable and unrealistic expectations on your sister

This is what I think too.
Some people just don’t want to see family, sometimes with good reasons and sometimes no reason at all.People are strange!

Macadia

Sorry that you feel this way. She owes you nothing. Once she became an adult she had no duty to contact you or her parents at all. I know you find this weird but it's just fine. Get over it. She owes you nothing and you don't have to psychoanalyse her behavior or discuss it with others or brew with hatred or jealousy or whatever is going on in your head
Get on with your life and leave her be and see a counselor therapist if you have trouble living with your fate.

I will get over it; it's just hard this year with my second parent having died recently and my divorce, and my first Christmas with no parents. It's an adjustment to go from having two parents and a longterm marriage to none of them being around. Thanks for your comment. Sorry your sister is weird.

If it makes anyone feel better: My Sister Is Weird Too !!!

Sorry that you feel this way. She owes you nothing. Once she became an adult she had no duty to contact you or her parents at all. I know you find this weird but it's just fine. Get over it. She owes you nothing and you don't have to psychoanalyse her behavior or discuss it with others or brew with hatred or jealousy or whatever is going on in your head
Get on with your life and leave her be and see a counselor therapist if you have trouble living with your fate.

I've just been out with a friend and feel a bit happier now.

I have to accept that she doesn't love me enough to want Christmas with me. It's just hard.

@growstuff said:

Wow! If she knows you have such a low opinion of her, are you really surprised that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you?

I know loads of people who would rather spend Christmas Day just with their immediate family or partner. It doesn't mean they're anti-social, but they're allowed to do what they want on one day of the year

My reply:

Erm, her parents and sister are immediate family.

And yes, I have a low opinion - in some ways - of someone who won't even invite their widowed, terminally ill dad for Christmas.

Erm, her parents and sister are immediate family.

And yes, I have a low opinion - in some ways - of someone who won't even invite their widowed, terminally ill dad for Christmas.

Deedaa that behaviour would have driven me up the wall.
I would have to find somewhere else to go- I am assuming it was just Christmas time🫤

Esperanza1974

Shelflife

I completely understand how you feel, if my sibling behaved that way I would be upset too. However ........it is what it is ! Very difficult to understand I get that but please try and accept.Have a lovely Christmas with your friend and don't dwell on what you can not change. 💐

Thank you so much for such a nice and understanding reply. I find her attitude crazy. If she dislikes us all so much that she wouldn't even have my parents when they were ill, and barely let them see their grandchildren as well, I don't get why she doesn't just go no-contact.

But that would have meant no inheritance.

Wow! If she knows you have such a low opinion of her, are you really surprised that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you?

I know loads of people who would rather spend Christmas Day just with their immediate family or partner. It doesn't mean they're anti-social, but they're allowed to do what they want on one day of the year.