Sister is Weird about Christmas & Doesn't Like Her Family

CanadianGran - yes the distance did strike me as not just a question of Christmas Day, but at least a week.

And my sister is the only other person who knows and misses our parents like I do. I live 3,500 miles away from her and my nieces and nephews, and it would have been so nice to be with them this Christmas, but my sister just wants it to be them, so I have to accept it
I’m afraid you do have to accept it..
And given your sisters relationship with your parents I find it hard to imagine that she misses them in the same way you do. Especially your dad from what you say in your OP.
It sounds as if you are trying to create or recreate a “happy family” scenario which frankly doesn’t exist. As adults we have to accept that Christmas will not necessarily include family members unless we and they want it to. The stereotypical Dickensian Christmas has a lot to answer for.
Factor in the 3,500 mile distance and it’s a non-starter.
Stop looking backwards through rose tinted glasses and accept life as it is.

RosiesMaw2

Esperanza1974

RosiesMaw2

It is what it is.
Or rather, she is as she is.

Why seek to change her r stress because you can’t

That's definitely weird!!!

Why is this weird?

It's not - I replied to the wrong poster!

CanadianGran

On your initial post, you didn't mention you lived 3500 miles from one another. I'm assuming that means an international flight and actually staying at your sister's for a week or more. She has stated she wants just her own family so I would honor that. Maybe she feels guests staying (and you are a guest, even though you are sisters) would be too invasive.

If your relationship is ok the majority of the time, I would respect her wish, and maybe plan a visit at some other time of year.

Our dad died so recently that his house isn't on the market yet, so I'll be at the house much of the next couple of months as we prepare it for sale. His house and hers are about 130 miles apart.

But she knows I'm not keen on being a houseguest anyway - I like my space - and would have been very happy to stay in a nearby hotel and go round to hers. I wouldn't have had to stay overnight.

Anyway, I wouldn't want to stay in anyone's house who considers it so terrible to have me around for a whole week, whether nearby or in the house. No thanks!

crazyH

CanadianGran - yes the distance did strike me as not just a question of Christmas Day, but at least a week.

Our dad died so recently that his house isn't on the market yet, so I'll be there in the next couple of months, but I don't want to be with a sibling who considers it SO terrible to have me for a week anyway.

What I wish is that she felt differently.

I live in a gorgeous part of the world, and of course she wants to come and stay with me for at least a week. 🙄

CanadianGran

On your initial post, you didn't mention you lived 3500 miles from one another. I'm assuming that means an international flight and actually staying at your sister's for a week or more. She has stated she wants just her own family so I would honor that. Maybe she feels guests staying (and you are a guest, even though you are sisters) would be too invasive.

If your relationship is ok the majority of the time, I would respect her wish, and maybe plan a visit at some other time of year.

I live in a part of the world that's high on British people's list of faves. She wants to come and stay, and it will be for longer than a week due to the distance. As long as she also accepts that she is a guest and I find guests too invasive, all well and good. She can always get a hotel, like I said I would when visiting her.

RosiesMaw2

^And my sister is the only other person who knows and misses our parents like I do. I live 3,500 miles away from her and my nieces and nephews, and it would have been so nice to be with them this Christmas, but my sister just wants it to be them, so I have to accept it^
I’m afraid you do have to accept it..
And given your sisters relationship with your parents I find it hard to imagine that she misses them in the same way you do. Especially your dad from what you say in your OP.
It sounds as if you are trying to create or recreate a “happy family” scenario which frankly doesn’t exist. As adults we have to accept that Christmas will not necessarily include family members unless we and they want it to. The stereotypical Dickensian Christmas has a lot to answer for.
Factor in the 3,500 mile distance and it’s a non-starter.
Stop looking backwards through rose tinted glasses and accept life as it is.

Yes, I'm sure I'll come to terms with my "new life." It's just that he only died three months ago, and this is my first Christmas with no parents and no partner. The first one ever with no family at all.

I agree that my sister doesn't miss our parents like I do. My mum was very family-oriented and I'm the same. I saw more of my parents and I was closer to them, and I was happy to look after my dad during the two years of his illness. It made sense anyway, as I had no ties, with not having kids and my marriage breaking up, but even if that hadn't been the case, I'd have been happy to help him because he was my dad.

I think my sister just isn't a family person. I mean yes, she loves her husband and children, but that's it. When we were teens, she never liked our grandparents being around, she didn't have much patience with them not being able to hear etc., she didn't want to be around her own parents, nor her in-laws. I'm probably her favourite out of the lot, but its not like the bar is very high!

Most people are weird about Christmas. Just look at the amount of fuss and angst with which they surround it.

I'm a bit like your sister. I hate entertaining or being entertained at Christmas but I do it because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. I hope they don't realise

"I think I just do not understand it. To me, the spirit of Christmas is multi-generational, generous of spirit, and includes family outside the bubble. Obviously she feels differently, and I'm just sad that she would stick to that this year of all years."

You have nothing to understand - you just have to accept it

For decades, your sister and you have been two very different people. Period. DNA does not give guarantees you are to get along, think alike, be friends, support each other...

The sooner you understand reality the better

Hithere

"I think I just do not understand it. To me, the spirit of Christmas is multi-generational, generous of spirit, and includes family outside the bubble. Obviously she feels differently, and I'm just sad that she would stick to that this year of all years."

You have nothing to understand - you just have to accept it

For decades, your sister and you have been two very different people. Period. DNA does not give guarantees you are to get along, think alike, be friends, support each other...

The sooner you understand reality the better

The sooner I understand reality the better....Yes, her not wanting me this year when it's my first year with no family at all, after I looked after Dad so she could continue with her life unhindered, and when he only died in September, is certainly making me understand the reality like nothing else could.

At least I know where I stand.

Baggs

Most people are weird about Christmas. Just look at the amount of fuss and angst with which they surround it.

Oh lord yes!
The emotional baggage surrounding Christmas has spawned innumerable threads and posts.
People need to grow up and stop imagining that either there is a god given need to be surrounded by happy smiling family faces or indeed that everybody else is.
It is possible to be on one’s own, to be with friends, or working or perhaps volunteering and being there for others in hospital or hostels or shelters like Crisis at Christmas.

OK, so this is a strange new world for me without my parents and husband, all of whom were very family-oriented at Christmas.

Most posters are telling me that my sister owes me nothing and that it's fine for her not to invite me even though I have no family or partner, thanks to recent events. (Dad only died in September so I haven't really had a chance to put my life back together after the two years of long-distance caregiving. By put my life back together, I mean re-establishing friendships or making new ones, getting involved in community stuff that I never had time for before, and/or meeting a new partner.)

However, if the way that people do things now is to be in their nuclear bubble, and that no one owes anyone anything if they're not your spouse or kid, then that means I am very free. I am FREE to do what I want at Christmas at last, which might actually be quite nice. And that I don't ever need to worry about her at Christmas either, no matter what's going on with her.

In other words, if she's burden-free of me no matter the circs, then the opposite applies, too.

So I won't give her another thought where Christmas is concerned.

My parents were quite old-fashioned and I guess I am too, so I just need to get my head around the more "modern" way of things, now that I'm not in that bubble. I think Christmas has changed without me really noticing it. In my somewhat old-fashioned world it was always very family-oriented, and now it seems to be everyone for themselves. Which is fine, I just wish the government had written to let me know, haha!

RosiesMaw2

Baggs

Most people are weird about Christmas. Just look at the amount of fuss and angst with which they surround it.

Oh lord yes!
The emotional baggage surrounding Christmas has spawned innumerable threads and posts.
People need to grow up and stop imagining that either there is a god given need to be surrounded by happy smiling family faces or indeed that everybody else is.
It is possible to be on one’s own, to be with friends, or working or perhaps volunteering and being there for others in hospital or hostels or shelters like Crisis at Christmas.

Thank you for your message. I'll try to grow up, as you put it, and maybe I AM being babyish by wanting to be with family for Christmas instead of just standing on my own two feet the same way I do the rest of the year.

At least I'm free to do what I want.

I don't like having houseguests or being a houseguest. My sister knows this, and I have offered to stay at a hotel near her house quite a few times, instead of barging in on hers. I like my own space.

I live in a very desirable tourist area in a warm country, and sis wants to visit next year. Do you think it would be OK to ask her to get a hotel when she visits me? I find guests very invasive.

Why do you feel Christmas matters? Why do you feel it's important to spend the day with family ?

Perhaps see how you feel, nearer the time.

You're still dealing with the shock of the death of your parents, your husband situation, plus the government omitting to update you on how things are now,

It certainly is a different life, for you, and you're not the first to be hurt at realising you're "on your own" in more ways than one.

Caleo

Why do you feel Christmas matters? Why do you feel it's important to spend the day with family ?

Good question.

MissAdventure

Perhaps see how you feel, nearer the time.

You're still dealing with the shock of the death of your parents, your husband situation, plus the government omitting to update you on how things are now,

It certainly is a different life, for you, and you're not the first to be hurt at realising you're "on your own" in more ways than one.

Thanks. Yes, it's a new world when both your parents are gone.

If your poor sister burned with resentment about having our parents or her in-laws every Christmas since she got married 30 years ago. as you say, no wonder she is ready for a break now! Anybody would be.
You don’t say whether you were ever part of these Christmases or if you alternated with your sister in hosting your parents or indeed if the 3,500 mile distance apart was the case then.
I would find that an insuperable distance in a relationship which seems strained at best and where you and she sound as if there is some resentment.
But I hope venting here with us older people ! has helped.
Big girl pants on - there are more days in the year than just Christmas.

RosiesMaw2

If your poor sister burned with resentment about having our parents or her in-laws every Christmas since she got married 30 years ago. as you say, no wonder she is ready for a break now! Anybody would be.
You don’t say whether you were ever part of these Christmases or if you alternated with your sister in hosting your parents or indeed if the 3,500 mile distance apart was the case then.
I would find that an insuperable distance in a relationship which seems strained at best and where you and she sound as if there is some resentment.
But I hope venting here with us older people ! has helped.
Big girl pants on - there are more days in the year than just Christmas.

We always took turns with our parents and our in-laws, so one year off and on for each. Sometimes we'd go to our parents, sometimes they'd come to ours. We hosted more once our parents got older. For the last five years, I went to Dad's as he couldn't travel internationally, but I did all the cooking etc. Before Covid and illness, he would come to stay with me for a couple of weeks in the summer and at Christmas if it was my turn, and he would bring his companion too. I think she's had the last five Christmases without any relatives, and maybe some over the years when she wasn't with our parents and her in-laws went elsewhere.

RosiesMaw - re. older people, it's called Gransnet?? I wasn't expecting a bunch of teens!

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

Esperanza1974

RosiesMaw - re. older people, it's called Gransnet?? I wasn't expecting a bunch of teens!

Maybe not but there are grans in their 50's even 40's and I dont know how much they would like to be referred to as "older people"
Getting back to your sister though, why did you think she would be different thuis year?
And has there always been this huge geographical distance? 3500 miles is too far to go for 3 days!

Esperanza1974

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

I could never have had my father for ten days, maybe a long weekend at a push. Frankly, we didn't much like each other.