If the younger generation have Mummy Porn.....

I can't help the size of my bottom says Ana. It's the cameramans bad angle!

'I like 'em big' spluttered Mr Beige from beneath a pile of cast-off undergarments and parrot feathers.

I think a touch of cunnilingus is needed in this situation, said Ana

At that moment there was a call from the front door. Mrs. Ecru had heard the oohs and aahs and sighs of delight through the wall and had decided she wanted a piece of the action too......

Mrs E entered the room in her Anne Summers Nurses outfit.

But Mr Beige was choking on parrot feathers and was also deaf - so poor Ana never did get her wish, so had to resort to reading Granny Porn, after she had covered up the body of Mr Beige with the parrot-cage cover....

Well I'm not going back to the beginning of the scene, said Mr Beige. If you think I'm going down that bloody stair lift again.....

Night all!

Ana allowed her M and S biggy knicks to slide to the floor and reached for the cord on his striped pyjamas...already, she could feel the familiar swell of his manhood - oh no, it was his incontinence bottle..............

(Mrs. E. had brought her rabbit just in case there was a problem) There had been a buy one, get one free offer at Ann Summers.

Night jeni!

Would anyone like to try my chocolate spread said Mrs E

Jeni I hope Mr E is not leaving with you night

The rabbit glanced lasciviously towards Mr Beige's parrot .......she twitched her nose and murmured 'Who's a pretty boy then?'

Oooh yes, said Ana. I'll have some on toast with my Horlicks. (That really wasn't the general idea.)

'Don't go away, be back in a tick' said Mr Beige as he heaved himself off the bed and hobbled towards the bathroom. 'Afraid the old bladder isn't what it used to be'.

Left waiting on the bed, Ana gazed at the ceiling and fell into an anticipatory reverie. After a lifetime of frustration, it now seemed that all her dreams were about to come true; so long as her gammy hip stood up to the unaccustomed manipulation. And perhaps it hadn't been wise to have beans for lunch!

Toast I am not wasting it on TOAST.... who is this woman Mr E

Mr Beige called out Spread it on Me, Spread it on Me! I can't said Mrs E. I'm allergic to nuts.

I'm off to my own bed! Thank you for a good laugh ladies.

Maybe another instalment tomorrow?

Ana was so happy that Mrs E. was allergic to nuts.
She happily took on the task which ,given Mr Beige's age took a long time.

When she finally raised her head she discovered to her great horror, and Mrs. E's delight that her dentures were clamped around Mr. Beige's manhood.

Poor Ana was speechless!

You need denture cement for our next session.

"But I learnt all I knew from The Joy of Sex in 1972," she cried in frustration... "and the pictures of the men and women were all on different pages..... and I can't remember any more how to put them together..."

"One moment" cried he - "I must get my viagra."
"You take viagra?" said she
"Oh yes, I take it every night. I find it helps to stop me rolling out of bed."

"One moment", she cried, "don't go away you magnificent creature. I have a little something too!" Reaching beneath the bed she groped for those magic sachets of lubricant samples that she got from Gransnet last winter. And her varifocals so that she could manage to open them.