3 sets of fabulously funny ISPY books to be won

The most dilapidated shop I have ever seen, waiting to be demolished, filthy windows,etc. And the sign on the fascia said in big letters NEARLY NEW SHOP.

We were standing in the sea trying to cool off on one of the Greek Islands. We saw a man who was quite a long way away from the edge of the water put on his flippers and confidently set off towards the water. He fell over and then tried again and fell over. It was pure slapstick and we were in hysterics. In the end he turned round and walked backwards (with some difficulty) by which time we were helpless with laughter.

This morning I saw a Tesco delivery van in the local cemetery....?!?
(write your own punch line.)

Australian friend on her first visit to England was very excited to see squirrels in the park - no squirrels in Aus, but she was familiar with them from stories, pictures and TV. We sat on a bench to watch them and she caught a squirrel's attention by throwing down some rock cake crumbs. Emboldened by the food, he came nearer and nearer till finally she offered a crumb of cake on her outstretched hand. He bit her finger! A&E, tetanus jab, not so entranced by our wildlife now.

I was just browsing in the lingerie department of M&S when two old ladies came in. The old ladies were black and I am only stating this as it's relevant to the story.

Anyway, the ladies were looking at camisole tops and were clearly thinking of purchasing one. One lady asked the other what colour she wanted as there was a choice of colour, the other lady said she would go for the skin colour one but the one she was referring to was beige! Haha, how I muffled my giggles I'll never know.

I looked up at a building where music was coming from. There, in plain sight, was a stark-naked man, hoovering, singing loudly to ' I want to break free'. I wouldn't mind, but he waved at me (with his hand, with his hand!!).

I was leaving an upmarket local supermarket, it was raining heavily outside when I noticed a local fading celebrity, now dead, in her wheelchair with her husband taking her to their car and a supermarket manager hovering beside with a huge umbrella.

He was embarrassed when I asked (tongue in cheek) if I could have the same treatment as I had 2 crutches at the time!

Admittedly staff will take groceries to one's car if asked, I thought it funny because she was always the centre of attention when she shopped there.

My best friend trying to put her foot on a bar under the art table at college, and just suddenly disappearing under the table. No bar under there, just my friend, I laughed so much, I was crying.

A woman crossing the road in front of me, in the days when knickers still had threaded elastic, stopping halfway across to daintily step out of her knickers which had descended down to her ankles. With a quick flick of her high-heel shoe she continued on her way, leaving the offending item in the middle of the road. A traffic stopper indeed.

My little boy attempting to moonwalk down the street, looked very ridiculous!

I spied with my little eye....... a pair of my own dirty knickers sticking out of my trouser leg ! Gross and very embarrassing too

would have been very worried indeed if they were someone else's

Two cows humping as we drove past on holiday. Cue small granddaughter to say "Why are those cows cuddling like that Mummy"

Two memorable picnics, both in the same week when we had a French student staying with us. Let me say first of all that our picnics were of the sandwiches out of a box variety.
1. 2 rather large ladies settled them selves down in their picnic chairs to eat a meal from the boot of the car. One wanted the salt and they both got up to get it, both with the picnic chair stuck firmly to their rear ends.
2. We were sat at one of the small round picnic tables provided in the grounds of a castle. Four adults came to the one next to us and out came the table cloth, wine glasses, candelabra, food etc. At this point they decided the table was one uneven ground so one man got down on his hands and knees to remedy it. He did a very good job making it level - it was just a pity everything landed on the floor despite the best efforts of the others to catch things.
I expect our French student now has a very warped view of English picnics !

My neighbour, a lawyer, strapped his very ancient canoe to the top of his car then executed a three point turn obviously forgetting the canoe was protruding by some feet at the rear. It smashed through the glass in his opposite neighbour's front door (the houses front directly onto the pavement). The look on his face as he realised what he had done and sheepishly looked around to see if he had been clocked by anyone! I was watching all this from my bedroom window

Parked in an almost deserted car park I spotted a couple walking towards the red and white striped car barrier, which was up. Just as they passed underneath the barrier came down and bumped them on the head. Luckily they were OK but we couldn't help laughing.

Not so much what we saw but what my grandson 'saw'

me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with V

Him (aged 4) : V Tesco Lorry !

Hard to argue with that

Man dressed as a chicken!

A SQUIRREL, stealing fruit and nuts from the stall outside the greengrocers. He kept going back for more and more - shopkeeper none the wiser.

Thanks. The books just arrived. I particularly like 'I Spy at the school gate'!
Very accurate character descriptions. Hilarious. Can't wait to pass it on to DD.