Anyone dissillusioned with a friend

My OH has just been out to get some things for his mother. He texted her before he went to see if there was anything else she needed. When he came back she sent a text to say when he was next out shopping to get her this and that. He told her he wouldn't be going again for a week. She is over 75 with underlying health conditions, and told him on Monday that she had just been to Morrisons, after he said he would shop for her. She said she knew it was 'naughty'. We are exasperated. I wonder if these people watch the news at all and see how scary this illness is.

My 90 year old Mum has had a go at my DD because she said that she will not be over to pick up the grandchildren's Easter Eggs ! I’ve now told her straight that its a non essential journey and that rules do apply to her the same as everybody else ! She is not happy ?

very sadly, it seems, a friendship between myself and a school friend, which has lasted for 60 years. seems to have changed for the worse, if it exists at all now. To be brief, a few weeks ago when panic buying was happening at supermarkets, my friend, who still lives in a large City, whereas I am in a rural area, texted to say how shocked she was at the panic buying and that 'a certain race of people', which I won't name, were the worst. She texted that she herself was now VERY racist. I was so shocked and upset that I didn't reply for a day or two, but then did reply and said that this was not the friend that I knew, and how much her comment had upset me, since myself and my family volunteer regularly with a refugee aid charity. I tried to diplomatically explain things, but got a torrent of a text from her saying she would 'not be lectured to', and that I 'should come back here (to the city' and see things differently. No contact from me after that, I was so shocked and hurt. We've been close friends all these years, in many good and bad times, but I cannot remain close now.

I think it is in everyone's best interest NOT to judge others, nor the actions of others, but instead to do what we each feel is right for 'ourselves'. In this way we lead by example rather than judgement which is ultimately more healthy for everyone anyway.

People do need to be more mindful but I think that we also need to remain on friendly terms even when people are annoying. I am noticing people getting much more tense and tetchy than usual.
I nearly had a falling out with my neighbour's grandson who I usually have a really good relationship with over a misunderstanding.
He offered me the use of his wi-fi while mine isn't working but I couldn't get his to work either. He took my laptop but then shoved it back at me and stomped into his flat and I thought that he had just regretted taking it from me (I didn't expect him to I was just showing him what the problem was) as his grandmother is very vulnerable so I tried to ignore it and signed up to a hot spot and paid for phone add ons. I was a bit put out though because I do a lot for the older people in this building and it did seem unnecessarily terse.
Today he asked me a favour and I said that's fine but could he try again with the wi-fi. Turned out that he had connected it (and insists that he told me) and didn't realise that he had walked off with his password. He was on the phone at the time and so was dealing with two things at once. Anyway he gave me the password which sorted out my problem and I sorted out his problem so everything is good and I am glad that I bit my tongue inbetween.
I think it is very easy at the moment for people to say things which might be justified but which are only going to ultimately make things more difficult.
He said that all the Banks in Harrow are closed and that he could not get through to his on the phone. I'm not sure how much of the banking system is functional. At least the debit card system and bank transfer systems are working and I presume that ATMs are being filled at the moment.

this virus situation,can make people act in strange ways,she doesnt usually act this way,any chance you could ask in a subtle way if she needs any help?

Have you tried explaining to your friend in simple terms: the more often she goes out, the more likely it is she will become infected (not just by contact with other people, but also by contact with anything an infected person has touched); she will then probably infect her mother.

I’ve recently retired (31st October) from the NHS. I was non medical staff. So all my friends are nhs staff too. They keep offering to help me but I’m worried about contact with them. As some are working on the front line.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's helping me keep sane!
I am going to continue to support her daily as best I can by text and phone.
Starblaze, you are absolutely right regarding the situation. Got it in one.
I wasn't meaning to sound judgemental. I'm just frustrated like many others. I think it just brings it home when my daughter works in ICU and I hear of the deaths and people on ventilators. All the people out there, whatever occupation they do, are doing a grand job.

That was a reply to goldenage

What good does judging do though? It wont change her friends behaviour.

Everyone is telling everyone else theyre doing it wrong.
Everyone thinks they're doing it right.
Its not changing anyones minds/behaviours. Its just making everyone turn against everyone

I agree with notanan2 - it is so easy to slip into the finger pointing role.
I can only suggest that when she starts complaining to you about comments made to her, just point out that police now have the power to enforce fines on people making unnecessary shopping trips and that she can be stopped at any time. Also suggest that she makes a list before she goes out to make one trip and informs her mother that she will only be able to go out once a week in future.
If this fails, the next move will be to just say that she is aware of what you think and that you refuse to discuss it further then put the phone down! She might get the hint.

I think your friend is very stressed by the regulations not to go out and not thinking logically about things.
These regulations have brought out the worst in a lot of people who are normally much different. People who would never in a million years act like this are ringing police to report others for very trivial things, like walking for over an hour, taking the car 1 mile to a field with their dog, leaving the house twice, buying paint etc. People are bored and panicking about the virus. And sadly the isolation is affecting the mental health of some.

I think that some people will only come to realise what Stay at Home means when they are fighting for breath on a ventilator.

To those who think it's wrong to 'judge' others' actions I would simply say do the maths - look at how many people a friend who is making many non-essential trips is coming into contact with and how many infectious people can result. The taking up of critical care beds and ventilators by people who have deliberately put themselves and others at risk is something that is happening right now - we should all be focusing on how to pull together as a society of human beings and if there are rules that are for the overall good they should be followed and we all have a duty to make our case - so no, I'm sorry, we can't excuse behaviour because we are in mad times and some people can't get their heads around it, it's that kind of thinking that got us here in the first place - people continuing to gather and refusing to listen to scientific advice. I think you should tell your friend fairly and squarely that she is behaving recklessly and if she becomes offended then she's not worth having as a friend - one can't judge behaviour on how it is usually because there may never be a 'usually' again - we are in new territory now.

My friend (75) was initially looking after her primary aged grandchildren when they shut the schools 2 weeks ago so her daughter could continue working. She was also visiting the bank, post office and supermarket last week too, wearing a scarf and gloves thinking it will keep her safe.

Sadly, she’s just tested positive for Covid-19 and is currently home alone in bed feeling ill and desperately hoping it won’t get worse.

(I’m in Ireland so our schools closed much earlier and our testing regime might be different to the U.K.?)

I think some people won’t change their behaviours until the virus affects someone they know personally.

I think we’re all getting a bit tetchy at the moment. We all have to be more tolerant and try to ‘look on the bright side of life’. Just seen a baby robin being fed in my garden - how lovely is that?

I found this helpful.

Sounds like mother is very controlling and daughter who had previously grown strong enough to say no is now isolated from a lot of her support network, anxious and stressed as we all are and reverting back to old patterns with her mother. Her mother obviously doesn't care about putting her own daughter at risk and is making ridiculous demands. Support your friend, we are all trying to keep our mental health in check right now.

Both my neighbours are acting selfishly, both have had lady friends visiting back and forth and both of them have been to and from their ladyfriends, one lives 60 miles away and the other 1 mile.

Trying to see all the variables and give benefit of the doubt:
Maybe she does his weekly med boxes and checks he's taken them and maybe he helps her in and out of the bath.

Maybe she cant read her post any more and he makes sure her bills are read out to her. Maybe he cant hear well enough to make important phone calls himself

I think before assuming its just social we should remember that a lot of people put on a brave face in public but get/give a lot of unseen informal help behind closed doors.

A friend of mine has been out and about distributing cake to friends and family. I have bitten my tongue and thanked my lucky stars that she has chosen not to share it with me ??

notanan, your posts don't reflect your usual take on abuse and neglect- You're defending it- What's changed?

No Im not.
Berrating people who arent necessarily acting rationally/sensibly, perhaps because of unseen abuse, isnt going to make them more rational or less abused

I think many people really cannot just be.

For me this is lockdown has some advantages, I don’t have to go to work, visit my mother, entertain or attend any groups/societies

For the first time in my adult life I can just be and I’m happy.
I appreciate this is possibly only temporary as we and all our loved ones are well and it’s only early days.

Some people cannot be alone or still and don’t have any hobbies or interests so this is a nightmare for them.

My 25 year old son is in CZ living and working alone from home and is on day 22, he can’t even get UK TV. I really admire his resilience.

At least those of us that are abiding by the rules can be safe in the knowledge we have done everything we can to reduce our risk of spread or infection.

Both my neighbours are acting selfishly, both have had lady friends visiting back and forth and both of them have been to and from their ladyfriends, one lives 60 miles away and the other 1 mile. I don`t curtain twitch but I see the cars. Seeing this happen has coloured my thinking somewhat. I brought all their bins in yet again this week, wearing gloves because they were both out in their cars, visiting

notanan, your posts don't reflect your usual take on abuse and neglect- You're defending it- What's changed?

A safe place live is at the top of the list of mental health and physical wellness every day and especially so during a global pandemic-

There will be no community to connect to if communication breaks down- Jones needs to speak the truth to her friend so together they learn to cope, with each other as friends, with their families, and strive to keep each other safe, their families safe and community safe-

It isn't judgy or witch-hunty to communicate-

Hetty58, I think your kids sound lovely. They obviously love you to bits not wishing to risk infecting you. Mine do the same, just text to say they are outside. I go to the door, but they keep a safe distance and won't come in. I bet you enjoy seeing their smiling faces through the window as much as I do. I bet there are lots of other Gransnetters and their kids doing the same. I'm 65 and just have high blood pressure but they won't take any chances. Hubby is in poor health so they wouldn't want to take chances with him either.

Your friend without doubt is being selfish. The 'carers visit' approach is just her trying to excuse her own behaviour. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like her, my friend included. Stay safe and keep waving.