I had just written a really long post which took some courage, and then GNHQ popped up and said the title was too short, and lo and behold the whole post disappeared, so here goes again for the second time if I can remember it.
I felt it was time to say why I had disappeared from the site during the last few weeks, especially as I was a frequent Good Morning poster, and now feel brave enough to tell all, hoping for some wise words. I am very grateful to a couple of GN members who have kept in touch by PM or phone, and have been a great help.
I hope you can bear with me as it's quite long......
The truth is I am absolutely terrified of this virus, convinced that it's out to get me, and just cannot get this thought out of my head. I think it's in the house, which is completely irrational, as no-one has been in here except me since I started lockdown. I am now into my 11th week on my own (DH died two years ago). In my saner moments I know that it's not here.
I enjoyed lots of social activities and groups prior to this, had made new friends and now it's all gone. I only see my family through glass, or via WhatsApp video calls and our weekly quizzes. My neighbours are brilliant, always at the end of a phone me and encourage me so much.
I lost my appetite through the worry and fear and have lost half a stone.
I worry about every little thing. I have become obsessive about cleaning and hand washing, convinced that the virus is on everything, worry if I touch my face, handle everything that comes into the house with rubber gloves, and make sure everything is sanitised. But the fear is there all the time.
I was in such a state last week that I spoke on the phone to a lovely GP at my surgery, as I really thought I was going mad. The first thing she did was to put me in touch with the local mental health services and they organised very quickly for me to start a course of CBT by phone, starting tomorrow. They have said I have moderate anxiety (doesn't feel very moderate to me!) The GP also prescribed lorazepam (?), but I can't say it's made much difference. I have never had anything like this before in my life and it has completely knocked me for six.
My friends and neighbours have been encouraging me to go out for little walks, as I had not been further than the end of my drive or in my back garden since lockdown started, so I have been walking perhaps a couple of hundred yards to the end of the road and back. Today I decided to venture a little further but found that I didn't feel safe and turned back home. And then as I was walking back on the pavement a cyclist suddenly and silently went past me on the road at what I thought wasn't a safe distance, perhaps three to four feet. Now I am full of fear that I may have breathed the virus in because he was too close. And my heart is pounding. So now I will not be happy until the incubation time has gone past and I can relax again - until something similar happens again, and the vicious circle starts again.......
My daughter knows how I am feeling, but I have not told DS as he is a key worker and has enough to worry about keeping himself safe, although I think he realises I am going through a bad patch.
Many thanks for reading; wasn't really sure what forum to post on.
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