Would you go? think I know the answer sadly

After being 'good' all these months it seems silly to spoil it by going somewhere you really should avoid. Why do it?
Are you like me and afraid of insulting someone?
I come in for a lot of amused criticism because of my social distancing, as far as I'm concerned two meters is 6ft 6 ins and not an armslength - and I won't be touched by strangers.
My OH thinks I'm paranoid, but I've worked so hard at staying safe I'm not going to ruin it now.
Why go to a child's party just to please the parents?

Go and stay with your sister, call in at the party but don't stay to eat or drink or be exposed to lots of other people, leave your gift and card - say Happy Birthday and leave.

Thanks. In fact I have been out and about much more than my OH, but we are in a quiet rural area and it's easy to be/feel fairly safe. I got him to come with me to a DIY shop the other day, he admitted he was nervous as he'd not been to any shops for 4 months.

The only place I felt worried was in Aldi. No social distancing by many and only about 2 with masks (this was 2 weeks ago). In fact when someone coughed, I grabbed a pack of disposable masks from middle aisle and put one on straight away.

I think your instinct is telling you not to go. but it would be good to see them separately another day. If it was me, I would go, but I have been out and about during lockdown, to the supermarket, shops, walks, first pub meal, but nowhere with a crowd. I have noticed friends who are shielding, some necessary, some not, are increasingly reluctant to leave their house, yet happily send their husbands and children out on their behalf.

Thanks for your very helpful reply Franbern. It is easy to become a bit insular after shutting yourselves away to some extent. I think the longer you leave it, the worse it can become.

I do not have grandchildren yet, sadly. If I did, I now they would certainly make me want to see them often. OH makes it worse, as he is always more of a hermit in normal times.

You are not being stupid. As I said previously, each of us have to do what we feel comfortable with. And, that will be different for each of us.

At nearly 80yrs of age, I have chosen to live my life as fully as possible. No idea what is actually going to be the death of me or when. Was pretty careful in the early months, but did continue to go out most days. And, never stopped my weekly supermarket shop.

Now I am more than happy at visiting and being visited by people. Delighting in it TBH.

I find very concerning the doom mongers and those horrible terrifying slogans they have come up with (eg: Better two feet apart than two feet under). And it is simply not true.

The overwhelming majority of people who catch this virus are not dreadfully ill and most definitely do not require hospitalisation. Even for those very few that do, then the understanding and treatment is improving rapidly.

We just cannot avoid all dangers in our lives, to do that means we would never go in a car or any form of public transport (think of the number of RTA's), would never fly anywhere, ever. Would never eat food we did not grow ourselves, would never cuddle or come close to any other human being ever. Even, things like using electricity, telephones, computers, etc. carries inherent risk. People have done this - enclosed themselves in a bubble, led very unhappy lives and, obviously, still died.

We are human, we are born, we live, we die. This current virus, whilst virulent insofar as infection is concerned does not have a high morbitity rate compared to many others in the past.

So, these days, I am living nearly a normal life. Go to shops (obviously wearing a mask), go to beach, to park, zoos, etc. go to visit people, have visitors in my home, both friends, staying with me, and tradespeople. Okay, I wash my hands rather more than I used to (just soap and water), but that is all.

I really do intend to enjoy whatever life I have left, and that includes seeing and cuddling my wonderful adult children and eight g.children (well, at least those of them young enough to permit any adult to 'cuddle; them!!).

But each person needs to make their own decisions, and if doing some action is going to lead them to having 14 or 21 days of worries, probably not ready for that action yet.

Hi I have just resurrected this post, as I have more information on the "do" they are having. They want to do this for the twins first Birthday, which I think is mad as the children will not know what's going on and will not remember it. There will be a rented hall for the afternoon, with lots of outside space. Many young children and young family friends. There will be tables inside, and waiter will come to table for the drinks order, you do not go to the bar.

There will be tables of food, catering from M & S, so all will be going to help themselves.

The other side of the family will be well represented, Quite a few also have young children. I asked what happens if it rains. The hall is large so all will be in there. I very much doubt that anyone will be wearing masks.

A lot of the young children, are now going to nursery and all mixing, and seeing their extended families. So they are almost back to normal.

We are still being careful, not having people in our house, we have food delivered (always have done). I work from home part time. We had a group in the garden recently, all at a distance. I meet friends at cafes with distance. I go in local shops, which are fairly safe, and now wear a mask.

They say they understand and respect decision if people don't want to come. I know I was quite fearful at first, not normally like me. I am not in the greatest of health and have high BP and am overweight, so I would rather avoid it.

I know we all have to get on with life, and find ways to live with covid. My paramedic son will not go to the party as he feels he is continually exposed to infection and doesn't want to spread it around. I may go separately to see the family another day, but staying with them, I will still be at more risk.

I just wondered how you are all living now? I just don't know if the majority are now almost back to normal, apart from wearing masks, and I am just being stupid.

I'm surprised that your nephew even contemplated holding a big party for babies' birthday. They won't be specially impressed and as many of the guests will be of - let's say - of an older generation, they will be at risk not only by the nature of the party but in the transport needed to reach the venue. If I were you, I'd stay well away. The twins will have many more birthdays to come.
My own nephew, in the same position, held a first birthday party for his twins last week - by means of Zoom which meant that, as well as the family from close at hand, I was able to 'attend' from Cheshire and an uncle of my nephew's wife came on line from Spain. We were able to sing Happy Birthday and watch the twins playing, happier in their home environment than they would have been in a neutral venue.

I think we have all been left now to make our own risk assessments and I guess that is what you are going to have to do seacliff, in fact your second idea does sound a good way round the possible problems. I have one friend who is quite happy to come in the house and sit distanced, one who prefers the garden and one who will only meet in the park sitting so far away I have trouble hearing what is said. I also worry about how the younger ones are going to be re-joining the rat race and children who have become totally attached to mum and dad when they should be starting to break away a little.

PamelaJ1 - very much agreed with you. Project Fear for Lockdown was very very successful. I understand that the government was then being guided by Behavourists - but, I think, even they were taken aback at how easily and quickly the over-whelming majority became quite terrified - and so many still remain that way.

Lockdown was imposed purely to to give the opportunity for our very much under-funded and under-resourced NHS to be able to cope with that first very large number of severe cases. Although it largely managed this, albeit still with far too many deaths, it has now reached the point where it can cope with another large spike.

During these months, the virus has become more understood and medication coping with those who have it badly has improved a great deal.

But people have been terrified with the thought that if they do not wash their shopping in bleach water, change all their clothes upon returning homes, keep disenfecting everything they dare to touch at home, not having any contact, even two metres apart with any other human being, that is the only way they will be not get this virus.

Obviously that will protect them -but how long can anyone live like that. Whenever they do start to venture back into society they will be just as much at risk of catching it as they were three months back - it is not just going away.

So, every time more people do go back to something approaching normal there will be a spike - and this will carry on for a very long time. No way of preventing it.

However, there are better treatments for those few unlucky ones who get it very badly, the over-whelming majority will not become that badly ill. And, life really does have to start getting back.

I am certain that in addition to the extra deaths being caused by non-treatment, even non-diagnosis of very many other serious illnesses at present, and those who will die by their own hands as a result of the depressions caused by financial collapse and family breakdown, there is going to be such a horrific increase in all sorts of OCD-type behaviours and people being scared of all other people and of leaving their own homes.

Come the winter months, death rates always increase - and this year will no different.

Good post PamelaJ1 I agree with you.

It’s interesting to see how we all differ so much in our attitudes to risk.
One thing that the government did very well was to scare some people half to death.
I am thankful that I am not one of them.
I am not stupid and I don’t think that I have or will put myself in a dangerous place. We manage our risk and, hopefully, make the right decisions for us and the friends and family we are seeing. We cannot live in isolation forever although it looks as though some people will.
If someone is as worried as the OP and her husband and going will cause them huge stress then there is no point considering it. It’s a shame.

seacliff, you already know the answer. It would be unwise to go.

Taking a risk, even a tiny one, means the prospect of sleepless nights, wondering if you're infected.

Then there's the prospect of illness, perhaps hospitalisation, even death.

I don’t know if you should go but I would.
Why can’t you stay at in a hotel? I know it would cost but it would probably be less risky.

The virus isn’t going away but the risk of catching it is tiny. There are some good posts here about trying to live as “normal” a life as possible. I think you should go. Or live a reclusive life for the foreseeable future.

You are very wrong Welbeck.

consider how your OH feels about it, as he is the one who will be most affected if you get ill or very ill...
and his fear as to whether you might be infected, that all ought to be taken into account.
if you were single it would be different.
but if we take on someone, then they must come first.
it's not just because he is a recluse, and doesn't care about family, that's an excuse, minimising his concerns. it's because he cares about you, wants to on go having you beside him.
which is quite reasonable, that's why people get together.
maybe he feels sad that you seem to mean more to him than he does to you.

That you are posting on here suggests you are worried about going, so maybe the second option might be better.

The second option sounds the least stressful and also carried less risk seacliff. Why not chat with them and gauge their response? We find the younger ones are sometimes more concerned for our wellbeing than we are ourselves so there may be some relief from them.

I would go, you sound very sensible I cant see you sitting at a crowded table or hugging everyone. Theres no timelimt to be there pop in for an hour or 2 then go and relax in a change of senory.

I think you would enjoy your second option more as there won't be as many people and you can be outside, which is safer.

It sounds as though you are not entirely comfortable with your first option so may not enjoy it as much.

I would go. But if you do not feel comfortable with that - then do not go. It really must be the best decision for you to make.

I think your alternative sounds like a wonderful idea and one you can manage yourself safely. Hope it goes well for you.

I'd say go, enjoy yourself. See the family, stay overnight. If everyone is safe distancing and you're all washing your hands, I can't see that it'd be a problem.

Sounds like a good idea. I sure you'll enjoy that more anyway?

focused1 My OH never comes when I visit family, he is a bit of a recluse anyway. It suits us both for me to go alone. I can enjoy myself without worrying about him. (he does join in when they come to us though). He will not be at all happy at me going, thinks it is an unnecessary risk. (he is not a great one for family so doesn't understand).

Thanks for all your varied responses, really helpful. It is right that we have to learn to live with this risk from now on, not lock ourselves away forever. I have thought of a possible alternative option, which I will need to ask them about. I will miss the big party, but am not too bothered about that.

I will ask if I can go up and stay another weekend, and have a family get together, either in their garden (has a covered area) or a picnic in a big open space. All weather dependent of course. Just sister, niece and nephew with partners and 3 little children. I can give the children their presents then.

I still feel apprehensive abut it all, but the alternative is, never seeing them again. Because I don't think a viable vaccine will be available for at least another year, probably longer.