My risk, her risk. Aged 92.

This is the same as the slightly differently worded post on another thread titled "Doing my Head In" - were the answers given not sufficient to help Silverlady ?

You say you've been bullied into it and that you don't want her there - I think you should listen to your gut feelings. You're feeling vulnerable. Maybe you could compromise with an outside cuppa on a bright day some time in December, well wrapped up in coats, but not indoors over Christmas.

Can the brother-in-laws not invite her instead, if they are bullying you into having her?

I’ve read so many threads on inviting aged parents/in-laws to Christmas when feeling reluctant because of Covid, which I totally get, especially when the Parent is in a Care Home.
But on the flip side, these poor dears have been sitting in their homes longing for a family Christmas, just for the one day of the year when they can have a family day and everyone is trying to keep them away, it’s so sad and I truly don’t know the answer.

No, of course you shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. It is sad, but your welfare s just as important. More so as you’ve just had surgery. Just say ‘no’.

What Toad said. If you do something you’re not comfortable with, you won’t enjoy the day and you’ll have several days of worrying afterwards.

I thought you were invited to a restaurant for lunch?

I don't want her hear
Has your BIL invited her and them to your house?
I would say no, particularly as you have just had surgery.

If they want to take her out then that's up to them, if rules allow.

Silverlady79
From your post on Thursday 19th I understood that your mother in law was going to a restaurant.

I do not see as it makes any difference between home restaurant or home after restaurant.

I think it would be better for your peace of mind if you deal with this now with an emphatic "no, I have had surgery and feel vulnerable", say that to the mother in law,brothers in law and anyone else that is involved. Do it asap then stop worrying about what is happening to mother in law, that is for somebody else to sort out.

It sounds from the words you’ve used that your anxiety is more about your own health than your mother in law’s, although without knowing the full facts, having abdominal surgery wouldn’t make you more vulnerable unless you are also immuno-compromised.

However at 92 she is very vulnerable because of her age, and if your husband and yourself have been self isolating she would actually be safer coming to you rather than to a larger family gathering at one of her other son’s homes if they are out and about in society more.

As I understand, your mother isn’t mixing, you aren’t mixing.
If that continues to be the case then you should all be COVID free.
You say retirement home not care home but perhaps she needs carers? If she does then I understand your reservations.
My mum is 92 and lives on her own and although she bubbles with my sister she looks after herself very well.
If your mum is anything like mine then she would be able to isolate before visiting you.
If she is having care then I am surprised that the home will let her visit. They seem to be very, very cautious and would probably not want her back.

cornishpatsy

I do not see as it makes any difference between home restaurant or home after restaurant.

I think it would be better for your peace of mind if you deal with this now with an emphatic "no, I have had surgery and feel vulnerable", say that to the mother in law,brothers in law and anyone else that is involved. Do it asap then stop worrying about what is happening to mother in law, that is for somebody else to sort out.

Yes, sorry to confuse. It's a restaurant date on 19th with 11 others!!!!!! and her here on 25th. Hope that clarifies.

In my opinion she shouldn’t be attending a restaurant meal with 19 people present, the risk is too great for her. If she doesn’t attend that, the risk of her coming to you for Christmas Day is minimal.

I would put that to the rest of the family, and say you are happy to have her for Christmas if they don’t put her at risk on 19th.

Ah, definitely no to the restaurant.

As you don't want her there and feel bullied, surely it's time to stick up for yourself? She may not be happy about coming to you either. You'd both be risking your health.

I'd talk it over at the home. I'm sure that plenty of others will enjoy the day there, maybe even more, with a nice lunch and afternoon nap!

(My mother had to spend Christmas day in hospital - yet still there was a lovely atmosphere, lots of treats and visitors.)

A restaurant date with 11 others in what universe will this be likely to be allowed?

It's far too soon to decide a restaurant booking with that many people will even be allowed!
We ate out locally before this lockdown and were asked if we all lived together. There were four of us: three from our house and Dad in our bubble. The restrictions are likely to be just as strict if not more so on the 19th.

Just decline the invitation nearer the time if you want to. You're an adult, no-one can force you to go.
And who's decided that your mother-in-law is to come to yours six days later? That's a decision for you to make, no-one else.
Don't let them bully you!

suziewoozie

A restaurant date with 11 others in what universe will this be likely to be allowed?

I know, three different tiers attending and booked by the brothers who are controlling the whole thing. ((

I am just washing my hands of the arguments and the bad feeling.. It's taking up too much head space. I will however take the advice of the poster who advised that if the 19th went ahead in the restaurant, then the 25th wouldn't be happening. I will choose the right time to advise my husband of my decision, but tbh I still don't want to have her here on 25th. I wish I could be more insistent, I don't seem to have the ability to say no. sigh.

Yes, sorry to confuse. It's a restaurant date on 19th with 11 others!!!!!! and her here on 25th. Hope that clarifies.

I don't know which restaurant would accept such a booking.

Our village pub that’s put a marquee up in the garden ?

I think that the rule of 6 (at the most ) at a restaurant table will be the rule .

Assuming that we go back to the ‘new normal’.

There's lots of talk about three families getting together.
How many families are involved in the prospective 19th event?

I would be wary to be honest. I think it's silly to expect both to happen. Maybe your brother-in-law's family are simply less careful. There will be lots of issues like this over Christmas I think.
Good luck.