Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

Exactly what Lucca said.
To the OP I would ask: aren't you embarrassed that you pushed again Appearing needy is not an attractive trait.

grannylancs your further explanation about the cold, last year, shows you to be very selfish, also small-minded with your comment about DiL.

You need to see things from your DS and DiL's perspective, not only from your own.
You can do that if you try.

Don’t make Christmas a war zone for your son. I loathed Christmas when all the parents were alive, there was always a row at some point. Your son has a family and together they need to make their own traditions.

i have only spent 2 christmas days away from my own house, never had family over as when my son was small i always thought it was unfair to give him all these presents then take him out, my partner of 17 years have an extended household so we will be together, my son and his family will face time me and will probaly go to my daughter in laws dad or sisters, it is only one day and not worth falling out over, if they do or had changed there mind it would make for an uncomfortable day if they felt they had been forced into it, enjoy your husband, eat what you want and have a nice day

Why did you think you would be in their bubble, when you must know that your daughter in law hasn’t seen her brothers since March, of course she will want to be with her family.

My sympathies are with your son in this scenario, he can’t win whatever happens. I think you’ve behaved badly, and however hard it is for you (not as hard as it is for others who are alone), you must remember that his first loyalties are to his wife - if I were you I would get off his case and wait for him to offer for you to meet them again.

Since my children have grown up I have just gone along with what they want to do, they are adults with their own lives. Sometimes this has led to lonely Christ masses, but I would rather that than falling out. I am already estranged from one daughter. I realised early on that my lovely DIL needed to see her mum at Christmas and my son would fall in with her. My older DD does not really do Christmas and anyway with a young baby is desperately worried about the virus.

You can have other days with your son and grandson if you let this go, but if you keep on at them you may end up estranged and that is a permanently lonely place to be.

I can totally understand your feelings, but just try to push them into the back of your mind, and focus on this year, and the chance to see your mum. Remember....all of us are in the same position. It may look like others have a ‘ better’ time, but for them, it may be very difficult. We have four children, seven grandchildren. We’ve got to halve it. It may be covid isn’t responsible for some of your family problems, but one step at a time. Let’s get this thing sorted and hopefully gone....and then other issues can be perhaps put right, but please leave it now....for the greater good. Have a lovely, peaceful time?

Don’t. Not dint

Oh dear I dint wAnt to be mean but last year you had only seen new baby 4 times.....4 times ??? Do you stop to think about those of us with far away families ? And you had a cold !
As for pushing to be invited for Christmas I’d rather stick
Pins in my eyes. I wait until I’m invited, end of story.
Embarrassing to seem so needy.
Its one day fior heavens sake.
Sorry grannylancs but that’s how I feel.

Grannylancs, I’m sorry but I think you are being totally unreasonable. You say that you are going shopping and having coffee with friends, to me that says you are not being that careful. Your DIL sounds as if she is being very cautious and if I were her I wouldn’t want to be seeing someone who is not being as strict as she is. As you say her family are as equally as strict.
She is also probably worried about your attitude after you visited with ‘only’ a cold and surgery had to be put off. I would have been extremely upset with you. You have proved yourself to be unreliable.
You sound like you are sulking that you have only had garden visits. We are all in the same boat aren’t we? I had a new grandchild born in April but I’ve only seen him once and they only live 20 minutes away. We HAVE to do what is safe and best for them and ourselves.
You have wound everyone up so that your husband had a row with your son. Not a good thing to do.
You are fortunate that you still have your husband, enjoy a good Christmas with him and just wish your son and family well. If you turn it further into a huge problem/competition for attention you will lose out. No one wants to be with a cross mum or grandma. Smile and be generous in spirit and you might get a nice visit sometime.

OH has made the decision that we will not have our son, his partner and my 4-year old granddaughter plus our daughter for Christmas. Our younger son will be here as he has been staying with us during the pandemic. I am not happy but must abide by his decision. So, son has been told but daughter is not answering her phone. I will still visit them, with younger son, probably on Christmas Eve with their presents, and keep my distance etc.

My jaw dropped a little bit

Re (the cold): You are very, very, very wrong - no wonder trust is gone.

Did I read it right surgery got pushed due to the cold?
You are so lucky they still talk to you.
Infants and sick people are not a good match
Infants + surgery + sick people are even a worse combination. Very irresponsible on your part.

"They say they were staying inside but I think DIL was still seeing people secretly."

What your dil was doing is none of your business.

Please do not suggest meeting in Easter. It is an overkill to book something 5 to 6 months in advance + your pushy behaviour + pandemic.

Agree with Suzie it’ll be just the two of us too, and we’ll make the most of it. ?

There is nearly always someone in a family not getting what they want Is it worth a row and bad feeling over a couple of days that the media whips us up into a frenzy over The fact that you got your husband as you put it to ring your son and have a word which ended in a row was a pretty bad move

It really is up to your son and wife to decide where they want to be and who with over Christmas and this year it isn’t your turn, accept it and enjoy it with each other you’re very very lucky to have a lovely partner to be with don’t let it spoil things We all have to accept disappointment and the mother of sons often do lose out Many of us have sons (or daughters)living in other countries and don’t see much of them or our grandkids at all, count your blessings, your turn next year
Swallow your disappointment and enjoy your Christmas

I really wouldn't be issuing Easter invitations.
It seems very passive aggressive to me (or could be construed that way)

Actually- are you for real? You went to see a newborn whilst knowing you were ill before he was supposed to have surgery. No wonder they can’t trust you!

eazybee

Could you think about organising a family do for Easter; invitations out now, no other commitments, something to look forward to; you might be able to have both children and families together by then.

Please don't allow their decisions to rankle; you have to accept them gracefully. Piling the guilt on won't achieve anything other than a family feud.

This is a good idea. We don't normally celebrate Easter at all but DIL family do so would be an opportunity to invite them for a 'big day'.

I feel sad that you were planning to leave your mum alone on Christmas?

Hithere

They made their plans already and making a big fuss about it will not get you anywhere, in fact, complicates the situation even more.

Apart from that, pandemic anybody? It is only one xmas out of many left to celebrate.
Better be safe than sorry

You could always videochat.

I can see the incident of the cold last year being a very valid concern.
Did they know you were getting sick before visiting and they ok'd the visit?

I would apologize to them for not accepting their decision and pushing them to change their minds twice.

Let all this cool down. You don't want them to push them further away.

With the cold we had only seen our newborn GS 4 times and we went to visit and I was sneezing and sniffling and when I blew my nose we had an argument and they asked us to leave because I was ill and GS had surgery.

The next time i visited a week or 2 later I was feeling much better but was a bit sniffly from the cold and started coughing abit. I had a text 2 days later from DS because DIL was ill and they blamed me. It meant GS surgery got pushed back til after christmas so they had to stay in and it really upset me they blamed me as there is no way of knowing how they got the cold.
They say they were staying inside but I think DIL was still seeing people secretly.

Lexisgranny

I think you may be treading an unwise path. Think hard about blaming your daughter in law, it cannot end well. You are not alone, you will be with your husband and your mother, don’t let your disappointment spoil your Christmas. Could you possibly arrange that on Christmas Day you do Zoom or FaceTime? Perhaps you could plan a really special celebration with your son and his family, when we have all had the vaccination. Everyone has had a stressful time, look forward to better ones.

I do not blame DIL when talking to DS, i am smarter than that.
We can do a video call but GS is not interested but will try that. Thank you.

Could you think about organising a family do for Easter; invitations out now, no other commitments, something to look forward to; you might be able to have both children and families together by then.

Please don't allow their decisions to rankle; you have to accept them gracefully. Piling the guilt on won't achieve anything other than a family feud.

They made their plans already and making a big fuss about it will not get you anywhere, in fact, complicates the situation even more.

Apart from that, pandemic anybody? It is only one xmas out of many left to celebrate.
Better be safe than sorry

You could always videochat.

I can see the incident of the cold last year being a very valid concern.
Did they know you were getting sick before visiting and they ok'd the visit?

I would apologize to them for not accepting their decision and pushing them to change their minds twice.

Let all this cool down. You don't want them to push them further away.

I agree with Dinahmo, that the media’s constant harping on about not being able to see your family makes us feel left out if our family members have made arrangements which don’t include us. Once again I say that so many people are not doing exactly what they want because they have to keep other people happy. Unless I’ve misunderstood, Grannylancs contacted her son’s in-laws to ask if they were invited, and, if that’s the case, I can understand if he was annoyed, especially as his dad called him to ‘ have a word’.
So, rather than be invited ‘ on sufferance’, I’d suggest inviting your son and his wife another day, and spending the day with your mother ( who , again if I’ve understood, will be alone). I’m sure you’ll be able to enjoy it.

I think you may be treading an unwise path. Think hard about blaming your daughter in law, it cannot end well. You are not alone, you will be with your husband and your mother, don’t let your disappointment spoil your Christmas. Could you possibly arrange that on Christmas Day you do Zoom or FaceTime? Perhaps you could plan a really special celebration with your son and his family, when we have all had the vaccination. Everyone has had a stressful time, look forward to better ones.

I think it was very bad of you to visit with a cold if you knew how careful they were being due to the surgery.
I'd be very annoyed with you, in their situation.

Stop moaning and pushing.
Make the best of it this year and don't get ideas about how you'll be rejected in the future - or that'll affect your attitude and make it more likely to happen.