Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

I thought this was unreasonable of them too. They do not want to come inside at all as we aren't in their bubble.

The problem is that this IS their viewpoint and their feelings. They are entitled to have that view and those feelings and to do what they feel is appropriate and they appear to be sticking to the rules. Whether one agrees with them doesn't change the fact that they will do what they think is right for them/their child/family.

It is good that you have made contact and apologised and I think your DIL's offer shows that they do still want to maintain a positive relationship with you which is great. She is trying to provide special family time to make up for missing out this Christmas.

I know you are feeling hurt and angry but I truly think you need to look at this differently in order to keep a positive dynamic in your family. You say that you have a strange relationship with your Mum. Maybe this Xmas is a chance to reconnect a bit more and enjoy each others company.

My DS is an only child but DILs family have more children they could spend time with. How am I meant to not be hurt by this decision?
Because it’s not about you.
By this reasoning, they should never see her family because they have other children.

Sniffles mean a cold. I think you are beyond selfish for putting your wants above their needs and still visiting with a cold knowing they were isolating. I truly do not understand how you can keep justifying this to yourself as normal.

The fact that you had your husband tell your son off as though he were a child is beyond the pale.

I swear I’ve read your post before though. Have you posted about this issue regarding the Christmas cold in the past?

Also, don’t think that because you haven’t told your son that you think his wife is horrible that he doesn’t know. Trust me, they both know.

*Ohhhhh Grannylancs - still not really getting it are you?
No-one here has said you sat plotting to infect a baby with any sort of illness.
It was careless and a bit selfish, but you can’t change what happened. What myself and others are encouraging you to do is to acknowledge this. Acknowledge that your behaviour wasn’t appropriate and apologise for it. Your intentions have no bearing on the outcome here - I have no doubt you love your GC and wouldn’t want to harm them, but you need to be accountable for the fact that you did in fact put him at risk health wise. And then took more risks than your DS and his family were comfortable with during the pandemic.
I sincerely hope you do a bit of self reflection on this, I have read umpteen threads which start like this and end in a strained relationship or estrangement because one party struggles to admit fault without trying to make excuses.
Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes or says the wrong thing at times, so please don’t get defensive - people are trying to give you a different viewpoint which may help you moving forward.*

Wise words Lolo81

This thread is strange, the son is very close to the Grandmother rings her weekly, he does not call his Mother she has to call him. If this post is true there seems to be a big background story here.
I also noticed the son was very concerned about his Grandmother and asked his Mother to have her over for Christmas. You seem to have a strange relationship with your Mother and not a very good one with your son.
I think you just need to accept what your son and daughter in law have offered.

I feel your pain we are always see mil they see her every Thursday and Sunday of course she is their bubble .I see the kids sd once a week for minutes not allowed in or hugs DGD1 is distraught as we are very close. Fed up with it and chstmas just playing into mil hands she is smugly organising Christmas Dinner we don't get a look in . If it wasn't for the DGD s I would sell up and move to tge coast !

We are the opposite. Our nephew wants us to break the rules and join 3 other households on Christmas Day st their house. I’ve said no but they and my sister can’t see our point. They said who would know!!

I remain unconvinced that this poster is real.

We were supposed to be going to our DD, SIL, and 2 DGC this year for Xmas, but we have suggested that they go to the other inlaws with our son in laws sister and family instead. Why? The other set of parents are usually in Spain f o r the winter, but got stsuck here, and they all live in the same County so the same tier. In addition my daughter g her and family are moving on 22nd December, so the l as t thing they need is us.

We live 3 hrs away, in tier 3. Yes there is a break over the Xmas period, but I'm not sure that anyone has let this virus know that.......seems to mebe there will be a lot of very poorly people in January, and I'm not going to be the one responsible for infecting our family.

We will have a quiet Xmas just the two of us, but I'm sure it will be lovely. What I would say though, is if Xmas I s a time for giving and thinking of others maybe we have a responsibility as the parents to m make our children's Christmases as easy as possible, even if we do feel left behind.

And remember......Coronavirus doesn't know it's meant to die over Xmas, do you want to be responsible l e for infecting your family, particularly if you are behaving k less strictly than them?

May I refer

For a bit of perspective maybI refer the original poster to a thread asking us all to stop whinging.
The poster informs us that several of her ex colleagues are in intensive care with Covid and unlikely to survive.

SpringyChicken

SingleGram, how well do you get on with your DIL? If reasonably well, could you confide in her that you miss seeing your son for a 'proper visit'? So many wives nudge their husbands to visit their mums, maybe your DIL would do the same for you? With careful wording, it doesn't have to alienate your DIL.

I do not think she would do this, I always message DS directly and recently she sent out a photo message to me and DH (separately) on facebook that was a picture like an invitation for the outdoor garden distanced grandparent 'party' they had, we had already told DS we were going before the 'invite' and she commented at the party there was no food for us as we hadn't replied. She was joking and of course we were given food and cake to take home but I felt it was unneccessary.

I think your daughter in law has suggested exactly what many many families across the country will be doing, mine included, waiting until the vaccination is available seems very sensible, we are thinking about getting together at Easter. It appears from your latest post that you are jealous of the relationship your Mother has with your son and his wife, and really I do not think anyone on this thread accused you of purposefully infecting your grandson. You seem to think that the world is against you, maybe you could begin to consider that you are looking for slights when there are none? You really should try to make a positive effort to change, because really it is yourself that you are hurting most,

Smileless2012

I'm glad you've apologised grannylancs. It's a lovely offer from your d.i.l. to do Christmas at a later date when there's a vaccine available but I don't understand why, having asked if they could pop round so you can have "a little visit for an hour", the response has been "that they didn't want to just go and get presents".

IMO that is them being unreasonable; if this is what you would like them to do to at least give you the opportunity to see them and your GC only briefly, then why not?

I thought this was unreasonable of them too. They do not want to come inside at all as we aren't in their bubble.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SingleGram, how well do you get on with your DIL? If reasonably well, could you confide in her that you miss seeing your son for a 'proper visit'? So many wives nudge their husbands to visit their mums, maybe your DIL would do the same for you? With careful wording, it doesn't have to alienate your DIL.

I'm glad you've apologised grannylancs. It's a lovely offer from your d.i.l. to do Christmas at a later date when there's a vaccine available but I don't understand why, having asked if they could pop round so you can have "a little visit for an hour", the response has been "that they didn't want to just go and get presents".

IMO that is them being unreasonable; if this is what you would like them to do to at least give you the opportunity to see them and your GC only briefly, then why not?

Ohhhhh Grannylancs - still not really getting it are you?
No-one here has said you sat plotting to infect a baby with any sort of illness.
It was careless and a bit selfish, but you can’t change what happened. What myself and others are encouraging you to do is to acknowledge this. Acknowledge that your behaviour wasn’t appropriate and apologise for it. Your intentions have no bearing on the outcome here - I have no doubt you love your GC and wouldn’t want to harm them, but you need to be accountable for the fact that you did in fact put him at risk health wise. And then took more risks than your DS and his family were comfortable with during the pandemic.
I sincerely hope you do a bit of self reflection on this, I have read umpteen threads which start like this and end in a strained relationship or estrangement because one party struggles to admit fault without trying to make excuses.
Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes or says the wrong thing at times, so please don’t get defensive - people are trying to give you a different viewpoint which may help you moving forward.

Lucca

“Jabbed with an unknown vaccine” . You really are in a negative mood! What else do you suggest, pretend it’s not happening ?
I’m starting to feel a tad sorry for DH....

I worry about having a vaccine that's new! I don't feel that's unfounded.

The ingredients are public knowledge and easily accessed ?

Thinking of you PestyOne. Hope this Christmas will not feel too lonely for you. My youngest (a son) said he wanted to volunteer to not come to us for Christmas (following the three households rule) which was his way of saying he doesn't want to come! I'm not going to push it, though he'll be on his own. He's hard work and argumentative. Another grown up child, also on own, wants to sleep and rest on Christmas day at her own place as her job is so stressful. Again, I respect this. TBH I'm not averse to a stress-free Christmas for myself and husband. Grown up offspring are not like the little children they were so the magic is hard to recreate. Grandchild will be with parents and the maternals. Going to get back if I can to the spirit of the first Christmas.

“Jabbed with an unknown vaccine” . You really are in a negative mood! What else do you suggest, pretend it’s not happening ?
I’m starting to feel a tad sorry for DH....

grannylancs’ complaint brought back awful memories of the pressure we were put under every year to spend Christmas with DH’s parents. I vowed never to do this with my daughters. This year we have told them that we will stay at home and they can decide between them who they spend Christmas with, not having to worry about us. You’ve now upset your DS and, inevitably you DDL, who won’t forget!

Lots of people asking questions so...

Is DIL Family 4 households?
No, their youngest son is going to his fiancees family apparently (I didn't know this at the time)

Seeing my DM
We have a strange relationship, we talk weekly on the phone and pre covid would visit every couple of months and take them for dinner. DS and DIL are very close to DM (they visited twice a week for 2 years after work) and DIL will ring DM weekly on a walk in addition to DS ringing her weekly. No-one rings me. I do think, given the choice, they would choose DM over myself.

Do boxing day or similar?
We are not in their bubble so can't see them at all over christmas. We are tier 3 so can't meet outside either.

Following advice on here I message DS to say that I'm sorry if I caused trouble I was just upset they weren't going to see us this year. Can DS pop up with GS at some point to get presents near Christmas and we can have a little visit for an hour?
They said that they didn't want to just go and get presents and DIL has suggested that once the vaccine is out and we all have it she cook us a fake christmas dinner at their house or a little party style buffet and we do Christmas then.

So now I have to be jabbed with a unknown vaccine before I see GS. I guess, looking at this post, I will have to take what I can get.
Thanks everyone, especially the people who seem to think I purposefully went round to infect my GS last year.

You are totally unreasonable. You sound entitled and pushy.
Our 1st Christmas (married) we flew back to
Ireland separately, like all previous years, and my DM wasnt best pleased. Complicated.
That was that. No more Christmas visits home, suited us.
You may have ruined all future Christmases for yourself.

I know you are feeling aggrieved and isolated but could I ask if you ever thought about asking anyone to you? You are asking others what they are doing but doesn't appear you are actually doing any inviting. You only see DIL mother occasionally? Why should she feel she should ask you at Christmas when she has to prioritise people? I wonder how your husband and mother feel. Perhaps they might like to be invited and included at Christmas by you?