Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

Let it go,and don’t stress.You do have each other.There are many of us will be alone

I can understand them being angry about you visiting with a cold.
But it feels mean of them to leave you out at Xmas.
It seems that you’re in the awful situation of one family being favoured over another.
But like others have said, you won’t change their minds.
I’ve come to realise that parents of adult children aren’t allowed to have feelings, or be disappointed to be sidelined for another family.
But be aware, you can’t win, so for your own sanity , it’s best to say nothing. Enjoy your Xmas, have some lovely treats, and don’t let them see it bothers you.
I’ve been in a similar situation and made the mistake of telling my son how upset I was. Big mistake. We are now estranged, and I haven’t seen him for 4 years.

I can relate to this it makes me sad. I live alone and on every holiday my son goes to his wifes family. They are not alone as they have lots of other family. (before and after Covid) I do not think it has dawned on them no matter how much I say the difference between being alone as part of a couple or other family opposed to actually being ALONE. This has been going on for 10 years every year I hope for a change but there is none. The ONLY way I ever see my son is by taking care of my granddaughter through the week and this is starting to be hard for me I already care for my grandson by my daughter but I dare not complain I will not have any connection at all. Any advice is appreciated!

Singlegran It is kind of you to relate with the OP, but I do think your circumstances are somewhat different to the OPS. I am sorry that you find yourself in that position. It is such a difficult one to be in, isn't it!

DiscoDancer1975

Oh no, don’t say that*Lazyriver*, I was picked on for saying that. These sayings, although fairly lighthearted, don’t come from nowhere. There’s always going to be exceptions I’m sure, but generally, judging by many threads, and life experiences, it’s spot on.

Sorry if you felt picked on it’s just that it crops up non stop on gransnet and I know plenty of people for who, it is simply not true,
And then it appears twice in the same thread........

I probably should have added a caviat to my old wives saying as I have 2 daughters and no sons!
My DH was always a good son, and I hope I was a good DIL
Ah but my daughters both have sons, so we shall see !

It's supposed to be three households isn't it? So that's the dil's parents, DS and Dil, and her two siblings. That's four households already unless I'm mistaken.

Autocorrect typo..ill..not I'll!

Yay Heather ! Could not agree more !
Why do some parents/ grandparents suddenly become petulant children ? It really is not pretty. Get over yourselves.

I agree with Backedintoacorner! Visiting a newborn awaiting surgery whilst I'll is not putting child first...only own interests.

I totally agree about the media (and often public) obsession with what happens at Christmas - one or two days out of the year. I am more distressed about the fact that I haven't been able to see my daughter, her partner and my grandson for most of the year, who cares about Christmas? I have felt for many years that we all get far too stressed about Christmas and if you want to see your family, why wait until Christmas as there are 360 odd other days that you can see them (except for this year obviously, ha ha!)

We are planning on seeing my daughter and her family at Christmas but only because the Government is letting us do that as she is living in Tier 3 and, ,as I say, I haven't seen her and my grandson for many, many months and I'm making the most of it - also it is her birthday on 5th December so a visit at Christmas will also be a belated birthday visit.

Goodness me, what a fuss. No wonder families fall out with people being so needy

Oh SingleGran I have no advice; I wish I did. It makes me so sad and angry when I read a post like yours. Only seeing your son when you're looking after your GD during the week is so unfair.

Maybe for some, they think that ridiculous saying about a sons and daughters is set in stone and that's how it should be. Well it isn't, it's wrong for the son's parent(s) to always miss out in favour of his wife's.

Maybe one day if they have sons and they are on the receiving end, they'll understand how hurtful and selfish that attitude is.

I have to say I am so bemused over all this fuss about one day in the year.
We go each year to my DH 's daughter and family along with her husband's family.
We enjoy it very much but I think there will be too many "bubbles " this year so we are going to say we will be spending Christmas alone.
I am not being entirely altruistic because as we are both over 80 I think it is the wisest move and it means I can have a doze when I feel like it and eat what I want when I want to

Lazyriver, you are correct.
My Dr son told me years ago that many of his middle aged women patients who came to him because they felt depressed had fallen out with their daughters in law and were upset because their sons had "sided" with their wives -as they should.

I meant to mention both my own parents are gone so I can't visit them or that is exactly what I would do and my sister and brother are currently in another place under lockdown yes it is a strange year for all.

The post I would like to read is the son and DiL version of events. They have obviously had a traumatic time with the new baby and while your 'sniffles' were not much of an issue with you, the ramifications were obviously huge to them. I think they can see that you are not as cautious as some and therefore are protecting themselves as best they can. Personally I have not been into a shop since March. I really think that its time to take note of some of the excellent advice posted.

I can relate to this it makes me sad. I live alone and on every holiday my son goes to his wifes family. They are not alone as they have lots of other family. (before and after Covid) I do not think it has dawned on them no matter how much I say the difference between being alone as part of a couple or other family opposed to actually being ALONE. This has been going on for 10 years every year I hope for a change but there is none. The ONLY way I ever see my son is by taking care of my granddaughter through the week and this is starting to be hard for me I already care for my grandson by my daughter but I dare not complain I will not have any connection at all. Any advice is appreciated!

my DS has been going to DIL parents for christmas since before they got married (over 6 years now), I think its selfish. We took turns with our parents when they were alive and I guess I thought the same would happen. Since grandaughter arrived they still get first preference over everything and both DH and I get upset (hopefully we hide it well ), It is just the way it is.I'm sure that if we complained it would cause ructions and I think it's better for all if we enjoy the time we do get a visit. It is just one part of the year and this one has been so odd it's hard to tell whether it is Monday or Saturday so any visit could be considered a christmas celebration even if you have to wait till Easter
.

Seriously? Grow up...judging by your self-pitying attitude and the fact you clearly have a problem with your DIL I can understand why they don’t want you there. It was selfish and entitled to visit a sick baby when you clearly knew you had a virus. Shame on you.

Oh no, don’t say that*Lazyriver*, I was picked on for saying that. These sayings, although fairly lighthearted, don’t come from nowhere. There’s always going to be exceptions I’m sure, but generally, judging by many threads, and life experiences, it’s spot on.

Yes, sorry! I forgot your mother. She would probably appreciate Christmas with you both too, rather than being on her own.

I have to be honest here. I would have been very cross if you had come to my home “sneezing and snuffling” and then again two weeks later and coughing (although I appreciate that might have been because of the weather). I think I would have been inclined to blame you for your grandson’s surgery postponement.
However, it would have been better had you been told right from the start that that was the reason you were not invited.
It really is not that important. As others have said, you have your husband to enjoy Christmas with. I may well be alone as my daughter won’t come near me as she babysits her school age grandchildren and is terrified of passing something on to me. This is a strange year and things will be very different over Christmas for many people.
Push it to the back of your mind and enjoy a lovely cosy Christmas with your husband. Just think — you can get up when you want to, dress as you please and choose your own menu.— bliss!

It’s really up to our children to do what they wish at any time of the year. I know it’s hard to ‘let go’ but you probably brought up your family to be independent.

Remember the old saying: A son's a son 'til he takes a wife. But a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life.
It is natural for your DIL to be with her family for Christmas, and your son will want to keep her happy. To make a fuss would be to risk driving your son away.
My attitude to who goes where at Xmas has always been fairly relaxed, having all kinds of undercurrents and pressures in my wider family over the years.
This year is so much worse for many people, and in ways that are beyond the majority's comprehension.
Maybe it's time to be thankful for what we have, and not cause difficulties for our families who may be struggling.

TBH I think it is you who are being unreasonable. If you are going to coffee shops and socialising ( when allowed) I also wouldn’t want to have Christmas with you. Why make a fuss? It is their choice to look after their family, they are doing what they think is sensible and correct. Asking DH to ‘have a word’ was confrontational and purposeless, enjoy it with DH & DM.

I really wouldn,t want to go anywhere where I hadn,t been invited . I left it to my grown up children to make the arrangements they feel comfortable with . I have had 69 lovely Christmasses its their turn now .