Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

I know you feel hurt, but look on the bright side! You can watch want you want on TV, you can eat what you want and when you want, you can do what you want?

I think you need to step back. Christmas is not a competition. My own DD and SIL cannot visit his parents this Christmas (its their turn but they live abroad) It is so sad for his parents but they are brilliant. Before foreign travel was banned we actually offered them our house to stay in and said we would go to other relations so they could have a family Christmas together. In your place I would now apologise for being so pushy. I would explain that you were upset because you really want to see them, but you TOTALLY understand the situation and are looking forward to seeing them when you can. Otherwise your future relationship could be a problem and Christmas become a battleground - which is not what it is all about. Have a Christmas Zoom call and be gracious. Keep your dignity. Causing a family row is not going to help you in the long term.

May I humbly suggest that a sincere apology from OP would go a long way towards ensuring good relations within the family from now on.
Whatever religion anyone may be, Christmas is surely the time to exhibit kindness, generosity of spirit, and love, and especially in this most difficult year. I hope all Gnetters will keep well and safe and manage what may be a rather strange Christmas for most of us.

Grannylancs, you need to back off. Just reading your post made my hair stand on end.
By your own admission you were pushy and then got your husband to phone and have a word. Really?
That's a good reason for your DIL and DS not to want to invite you in future. And contacting her mum seems underhand to me.
Just have your own mum over for Christmas and be thankful.
By the way, I'm probably going to be on my own as I don't want to risk my health or others by joining a big family gathering, but it will just make next year all the more special.

For goodness sake don't alienate them more. It seems a little selfish to have gone with a cold or the end of one in the circumstances and I am with them re-shopping centres, I don't imagine you have to go, we have a fortnightly shop and I have been to a quiet supermarket half a dozen times since early March, we are lucky in having lovely countryside and beaches to walk but I really don't need to go to a shopping centre, do you? If you like shopping and it is your 'hobby' I understand but there are other things you can do. I know that sounds harsh and I do have sympathy with your situation but you could have 'Christmas' outdoors in the summer or when we've all been vaccinated, that's what we're doing, imagine how bad you'd feel if you gave covid to them or how guilty they'd feel if they gave it to you. I'm sure they don't mean to upset you but decisions have to be made. Try to plan a nice time for the two of you, special treats in the food line, a good film, special presents (though my husband and I are giving eachother a week away when we can rather than presents), a good walk if the weather is nice or whatever you like doing and are allowed. If you can change your attitude of mind you'll have a much better time than if you are determined to be miserable, I know it's hard, I'd love to spend Christmas with family, but it won't happen this year apart from on zoom

I must admit that I would be furious if you visited a young child of mine about to have surgery when you had a cold, I would have asked you to leave straight away. No excuse for that in my eyes and it would make me wary (rightly or wrongly) of whether you've been following current Covid guidelines. Perhaps you might accept it was the wrong thing to do, apologise and give in gracefully to this years arrangements. Enjoy a quieter day with DH and make the most of it without any ill feelings if possible.

I'm not going to blame you (OP) for your feelings. I think secretly we all get a bit of a lurch in our tummy when someone is chosen over us. But this bubble system was always going to be very hard on the non-chosen and perhaps it would have been better in the long run to maintain your dignity and simply go to your mum's as ds suggested. Your mum will get all the same feelings you had about your son if you don't! So now you know what it feels like, you can feel good about sparing your mum from it.

I really struggle with this - unless one is particularly religious Dec25th is another day on the calendar. Having worked with so many people who were not going to live to see Christmas on Dec 25th and who had the ‘get together’ early because of that fact I believe it can be held any time.

We live in Ireland and havent seen our youngest daughter and family for a year now. Shes not the best communicator and I did point out gently that she should put a bit more effort in which seems to have hit home. Ive no doubt that once the pandemic is under control she will be sorting out flights for them all. We do facetime but its not quite the same. I have had major heart surgery this year (and lived to tell the tale) so now very aware of my own mortality and the importance of family. However Christmas is only a couple of days in the year and im sure most families have many more days to celebrate together.

If the daughter-in-law's family are staying home and not mixing with anyone, as opposed to visiting shops, they are a safer bet for the parents who are being ultra careful about their baby. Who can blame them?

Of course a cold virus can be picked up anywhere but, if you're isolating before planned surgery and someone with a cold spends time in your house, sneezing and coughing, it's highly likely that the cold you then develop came from them! That's a reality.

Goodness, this does all sound very childish. Just have Christmas with your DH and sort out something with your son and DIL for another time!

Personally, I’ve told the whole family (3 married children, six grandchildren - blessed) that I’d rather be alone this Christmas (widow last 17 years) than be ‘six feet under’ next Christmas.
This leaves them free to make whatever plans they want with their other halves’ families, although I get the impression that they’ll all be taking the same cautious and in my view sensible approach. With vaccines on the horizon what’s the rush?
As to your visiting last year with ‘the start of a cold’ prior to GS op I’m not surprised they don’t trust you, to be honest. You shouldn’t have been anywhere near him pre-op!
Why not redeem yourself by being gracious and unselfish this Christmas, then maybe plan a family get together later in the year, when it’s safer?

There are 365 days in the year, with the covid virus crisis around the World, surely one or two days a year can't be worth all the weeping and wailing about who sees who!! Just can't believe people are prepared to risk friction within their family over this ridiculous rubbish!

My heart goes out to you: this was always going to be a problem with these arrangements - and also for people who live on their own and have no family or can’t get to see them. In some ways I think they are worst off: no benefit from the relaxation in restrictions, but they will still have to endure the same ratchetting up of lockdown which may follow, at the darkest time of year. As so many have said, we just have to make the most of what we have and look forward to Christmasses to come

(can I lighten things up a little?)
How does the old poem go?

"your son is your son 'till he gets him a wife,
Your daughter's your daughter the rest of her life"

....... something like that - an old ode that makes sweeping generalizations but contains a pinch of truth somewhere.
Time to paint on the smile and pull up the big girl's knickers?

grannylancs - you are in great danger of alienating your son and dil if you continue with your selfishness which is what your behaviour is demonstrating. There are valid reasons why your son is spending Christmas with his wife's family. It will be your 'turn' for Christmas next year. The suspicion that you aren't as careful about passing on colds etc. has only come about because of your behaviour. It's an objective observation. Also, getting your husband to phone your son and 'have a word' is emotional blackmail, which is nothing short of bullying. Finally, it seems you have your own elderly mother who will be alone at Christmas. Would you seriously put your own desire not to allow your son's in-laws their 'turn' before keeping an old lady company on one day a year? Sorry if I sound harsh, but you're the one exerting the pressure on this situation and you need to stop otherwise, your son and dil won't need any encouragement to cut you out of family gatherings (when covid has gone).

And its not like gs is a little kid either hes a teenager and been following all the school rules too (clearly someone else has not!) And in particular our family has had so many premature babies over last 28 yrs that our family have always been used to hand washing/sanitising! We always have had hand sanitiser in our houses ever since!

Please please try to put this behind you and look forward to making the best of decisions that others have made. Your son now has his own family and they rightly will take precedence. Christmas will be different for all of us this year - you are not alone. Your son’s family have had a difficult and worrying enough time without having to cope with a needy mother. Be strong - it must be harder when you have just one child. But think of your own mother too - spend time with her - try not to let feelings of jealousy and competition colour your love for your son and family. I’m sure you had no intention of passing on a cold- and worry over their son probably made your son and daughter in law very sensitive to this and likely to blame you - It has been a horrible year for all of us. One of my children has a profoundly disabled daughter - we would love to see them - they have 4 children and we haven’t seen them or hugged them since February - My son and his wife are so worried that their daughter will get the bug - they are also worried about us and that we might pick something up. Their views have to be respected. Help your son by being cheerful and positive- this will all end eventually- good luck?

I’m not going to say anything about you visiting with a cold as it’s all been said and surely you must realise by now how wrong it was, what I would advise is to be careful that you don’t turn into one of those mother in laws from hell that no daughter in law wants to visit and consequently the son visits less and less, and with him being an only child you sound at risk of becoming one.
As other posts have said it’s none of your business what he and his wife decide to do you sound a little controlling and maybe he has more fun at his in laws, he’s not a child anymore
Just think of that mother off sorry the program with Ronnie Corbett years ago ( if you saw it) and be careful that you don’t come across like her.

So would you rather be somewhere unwelcome and under sufferance? I have never had a christmas with one of my gss because they live a long way away. It was thoughtless to take your colds to you DS’s house in the knowledge that gs was due to have an important operation. You should have asked if they were ok about you going. Strange as it may seem to you, christmas isn’t all about what you want.

My own eldest sons family have just been diagnosed with covid19 (son not yet but hes looking after his wife & kids so may get infected!) Including newish early baby- so i doubt they'll be seeing anyone for foreseeable future! I'm worried sick for them all. Puts it all in perspective for me- they've been so careful not had anyone in house etc (even I've only seen baby once!) But because stupid Boris is still keeping education open & sending kids in like cannon fodder that's how they've caught it- eldest GS got it first at school! Boris is a idiot!??

No good comes of forcing people to socialise (I don't meant Covid-wise - just people end up resenting it). Also they do have a point if you visited while infectious last year. So, be happy when you do get to see them - and whatever you do don't mix while ill. People have become more aware of how irresponsible this is now.

grannylancs you said 'we' will be alone, lucky you, I can say I will be alone as I was last Christmas. I am disabled housebound and my family were not allowed to visit and it will be the same this year. at least you have some company, stop being so selfish enjoy what you can

See if you can meet up halfway between your homes for a lovely walk and a picnic ?. Any time in December will do. You can exchange presents and have a lovely time.
What does it matter really? It’s just one day. And next year will be different again

We had 8 years of travelling almost 300 miles to see our families in turn with tension and upset from various family members on both sides each time.
We took the decision when our DD was born in a cold and freezing December that we would not do any more travelling and told everyone they were very welcome to come to us but we would have Christmas at home from then on.
It took a lot of pressure off and we could start our own traditions. Some years we had visitors other times not but we would contact everyone on Christmas morning and then the rest of the day was a relaxing family time,
We visited family later in the year in better weather and things were much easier as we could have days out and were not all cooped up together.
I know some will be horrified by our plan of action but, it worked for us and the children all have lovely family memories of Christmas.