Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

If you have the slightest sniffle or doubt about a cold and a surgery is pending, you just stay away to be on the safe side. At the least you ask the family whether they want to risk it. I'd do this regardless of whether there was a pending surgery, it's just all the more important when there is that kind of thing. 'Just a sniffle' can be very poor timing for the family if they get it.

Having other children doesn't make up for the one who isn't there or not having the whole family together. It's also more people for them to want to catch up with. My SIL has family he can only see at Christmas so they often go to his family for it. It is only one day of the year. I can see them other times. I admit I felt a bit rejected when it sounded like they were going to do that every year but really, that is their call to make and not worth making a fuss about. That feeling did pass quickly. It is their right to decide to spend every year doing their own thing (and that is what they should do, they have grown up). I know what it's like to have ILs who must have Christmas their way and I don't want to be like that either.

Our children are their own people, not an extension of us. Their families are their own unit, not an extension of ours. I think we feel more tied to our children's families than they do to their family of origin. I think that's quite normal. It's okay to be disappointed when things don't happen like we'd like them to, but it's important to keep that in perspective and think about how we felt if relatives tried to force their will on us.

Please tread carefully if you want to preserve the relationship at all. There are many other days of the year. I know you haven't seen them since March but this has been an odd year with extra distance between people who might normally have connected. If you think you can own rather than try to justify the issue with last Christmas, maybe an apology would be a good place to start?

The "nasty" comments about the cold come from your selfish, lack of introspective skills and childish behaviour - you wanted to see your GS, no matter the cost

It is truly not material for a rocket scientist to see how wrong it is - you put your wants above the health of an infant.

This, together with your complaints about no visit due to ovid and this latest xmas episode, is what monsters in law are made of.

You would be very very far away from my family till you learn to adjust your expectations.

You have my empathy, this year is the first without my children. No advice to add as there is plenty here, but it’s tough I know. I’m planning to make things a little fun this year by making my own homemade baileys and eggnog! Do something jolly and different this year and try take your mind off the missing table settings.

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for all your comments. I'm sorry for everyone that is struggling to see people at Christmas, most years it is fine because they can just come down boxing day or whatever but this year, having not been inside since March and not knowing when we might be inside together again is a lot harder. I know I'm not alone in this and I was looking for some joint feelings but I see the perception is I'm over reacting.

There are lots of nasty comments about the cold. I didnt go out of my way to give the baby a cold, I didnt feel particularly ill just had some sniffles and a few sneezes that escalated during the visit. I just wanted to see my GS and if I could change that I would, but this was a year ago now nearly.

I'm not sure why people think this isnt a genuine post. I bet a lot of grandparents feel this way but darent speak up.
My DS is an only child but DILs family have more children they could spend time with. How am I meant to not be hurt by this decision?

Clearly I need to do some reflecting because I didnt expect this kind of reaction, I expected annoyancewith me and similar tales.

I really can’t see what all the fuss is about for what amounts to one day. I felt this kind of pressure with my own parents and in-laws and would not impose it on my own children.

Try to see things from your son and DIL's point of view, Grannylancs. So many people are the 'meat in the sandwich' at Christmas, not spending it how they wish but how someone else wants. Having been in that position ourselves for many years, my husband and I vowed we wouldn't guilt trip our offspring. If they come to us, it's because they want to, not because it's our turn.

I think this may not be a genuine story. No reappearance of Grannylancs .......

Doodledog. I think I may have phrased my post wrong. The thing about thinking if people with family abroad was just to emphasise really the “complaining “ tone of the OP.

Every single year families up and down the country have to make compromises around Christmas.
Whose parents to see? Will the other ones feel left out?
This year of course covid is thrown into the mix with the inevitable differences of opinions about the risks involved with family mixings.

My view is those who are particularly nervous about the virus should be listened to and decisions about Christmas worked around them.

Inevitably a family which has been ultra careful is going to be very reluctant to see other family members who have been more lax aren’t they?

It’s really not worth risking a major upset for the sake of one day.

I cannot imagine how anyone would visit a new born baby, knowing he was awaiting surgery, it could have stopped the operation.,if I were the parents I would be upset too. Also I wouldn't phone up asking if they were seeing you Christmas. You don't seem bothered your mother will be alone, his must she feel?. You have each other so you are not alone. I could have cried when I read it, I would love just a phone off my daughter who lives minutes away, she never sees me or rings, just the odd text. I gave up years ago trying to find out why. She couldn't give a reason, but she has distanced herself from both sides of their family, she sees me three tines a year for half an hour, but is bored, just a duty. You see your family but I think you need to give them space, because they do seem very caring, just because they are seeing her mother and gave given their reasons, dies the jean they won't ever include you, to ring her mother was not right it must have been embarrassing for her.

I can see why they don't trust you to be safe during the pandemic and I think putting a newborn needing surgery at risk is a valid reason for them to be upset with you.

They obviously aren't terrible people because they have only raised the previous issue after you have used pressure, guilt and even messaging third parties to try and get your way. You put them in a defensive position.

I know many people who are having small Christmases this year having decided that Christmas isn't worth endangering or possibly killing a loved one.

I really think you should apologise for your behaviour after you have given yourself a good talking to. I think if you carry on this way you will lose them.

These are difficult times, many families are impacted. People have lost people. Hundreds of thousands of good people have lost their jobs. People are in hospital right now fighting for every breath.

You can make it through this, you can plan amazing times with family in the future. Be grateful for what you have.

What a strange thread, if it's genuine.

grannylancs, I don't think you are being punished or excluded - it is more that your son has made arrangements that keep his son safe, which is fully understandable, as he is so young and we are in the middle of a pandemic.

People asking the OP whether or not she has considered their personal circumstances (eg not being able to see their families abroad) - why would anyone think of what people on the internet might not be able to do before letting themselves feel something? That seems a very odd thing to say. It's not a competition for who has the worst deal.

Finally, what advice do you think we can give that will stop you having to spend Christmas alone? You are with your husband, so neither of you will be alone anyway, but there is nothing that any of us can say that will change the situation, as your son has decided to keep numbers down in order to protect his son.

Grannylancs I'm curious...when you heard the Christmas rules, why did you contact DIL's mother first and not your DS? Surely you'd be more interested in seeing your DS and GS? Wouldn't it have been more logical to speak to your son first so he could explain any decisions that had been made?

PestyOne Reading your post made me feel quite sad but you seem to be improving your life (apart from your son) I hope that you don't blame yourself for the way he's turned out.

Don't turn down invitations from friends because you think they feel sorry for you. If they are good friends I'm sure that would not have been the case.

It is funny how many people don't like to invite singles for dinner when they have other guests. As far as I'm concerned it isn't necessary to have an even number of people.

Best wishes for Christmas.

Thanks you for posting that PestyOne.

PESTYONE. ?

Exactly seakay.

You won't be alone, you have a husband you live with and a mother you could visit if you chose to. She is the one facing Christmas alone.

You deliberately went to see a newborn when you were ill; you choose to ignore reasonable requests to stay away, and in doing so endangered a vulnerable infant by infecting it's mother, caused necessary surgery to be postponed and ruined last Christmas for your son and his family. I don't see that you have anything to be surprised or indignant about.

LovelyCuppa - I'm with you, struggle to accept this is a genuine situation. If it is, then I suggest you back off OP. It isn't all about you.

i would be avoiding you too, as you seem to take unnecessary risks, including with other people's health.
your son and his family and in-laws are appropriately careful. they are all on the same page.
why should they disrupt that by indulging you, when you have already shown a cavalier attitude to even a small infant's health and well-being.
they were trying to be tactful as to why they wanted to swerve you this year, but you got your husband to have a row about it, and then your son was pushed to reveal all the ill feeling from last xmas.
and still you don't apologise.

Hi there everyone.
I'm new here, but decided to join up after reading this post about 'alone at Christmas'.
I was a single mum and had many many Christmases alone with my son as my parents chose to go on holiday every Christmas.
I always went overboard with presents for him to compensate for not having a dad (no contact) or grandparents around like other families. My Son 'went off the rails' a few years ago and I cut contact with him for my own sanity and safety.
I went on holiday at Christmas with my parents a couple of years (me aged 45 / 46 at the time) and completely ignored the fact that it was Christmas.
My Mum died in 2012 when I was 46 and this brought my son 'back into the fold' for a short while; with him, dad and myself having an exotic Christmas in Sri Lanka.
My Dad chose to go travelling the world for a few years, so I never saw him at Christmas for 5 more years!
My son and I had Christmas alone in 2013, but he slipped back to old ways shortly into the new year.
During this period, my son 'went off the rails again' with police, court officers, debt collectors, etc coming to my home to try to find him on several occasions!
I managed to track him down early December 2014, obviously to make sure he was alive and OK, only to be told "I'm living my life the way I choose, so leave me alone. You've had your life and I want my life to be mine".
As you can imagine I was relieved to know he was safe, alive and well, but devastated that he didn't want me around (for absolutely no known reason).
My dad was still travelling, I was pretty much suicidal and how I got through Christmas Day completely alone; I don't know!
I was too embarrassed, ashamed and proud to tell friends what had happened.
I spent 2 more Christmases alone, but filled the emptiness by volunteering at homeless charities.
For Christmas 2017 and 2018; I went on holiday with Dad - we had great times.
Dad died in January 2019 - after a week a searching a tracked my son down to let him know that his Grandad had died; only to be told "thanks for letting me know, but don't expect me to at the funeral - go away and leave me alone"!
2019 was a very tough year and Christmas day was spent alone; eating chocolates and watching TV.
I have lovely friends who know the truth and have invited me to theirs for Christmas many times, but I prefer not to be 'pitied' or feel self conscious around 'normal families'.
I inherited the house I was born in after Dad died and finally moved here after selling my own home (75 miles away) in July.
I've managed to find a new job, avoid the virus and stay relatively sane.
I've always been close to cousins in Scotland (more like friends really), but lockdown, travel restrictions, etc has only allowed me to visit them once and them come to me once this year.
Visiting Scotland for Christmas is not possible as my closest cousin is nurse and working on Christmas day.
The other cousins have families of their own to 'share' Christmas organising with, so I'm completely alone again.

I'm extremely isolated, with no friends here yet, no contact with my son and no living / close by immediate family.

I've resigned myself to yet another Christmas Day alone, but can't even look forward to volunteering this year, so I've decided to treat it like any other weekend and have a lazy Sunday and ignore, block out and not think about what day it is.

I worry about and miss my boy, but I can't go through what he put me through previous years, so won't go looking for him ever again.

I don't want pity or sympathy; just wanted to give some perspective on other 'Gran's' upset about Christmas day being just them and their other half - you are so fortunate to have someone in your life - treasure the time with them and enjoy each others life, health and company.

I think you need to tread carefully going forward or you will be seeing a lot less of your son and his family. He gave you good reasons for not visiting at Christmas and, when pushed, let you know that you are losing their trust.

It is not a small thing to visit someone with a cold and have that result in surgery being pushed back. I would be annoyed at that. As for saying you think DIL was seeing people secretly, that reveals a lot about your feelings for DIL and what kind of person you think she is.

Now your husband has argued with your son about Christmas and their reasonable decisions. I would think your overall relationship is on slippery ground and you are at risk of estrangement if you don't back off a bit.

Your son is now grown, has his own family, and can't be in two places at once. We don't always need to like the decisions they make but we have to accept that they are theirs to make, not ours. Enjoy Christmas with your Mum. Due to circumstances my parents will be alone on Christmas and I think they will just be enjoying a quiet day together with a phone call from us.

Because I was upset DH rang to have 'a word' with DS and they ended up arguing and it came out that they don't trust us to be honest about when we were ill because last year we visited with the start of the cold and DIL got ill and it caused trouble for GS planned surgery (he is all well now, the surgery solved his issues)

As a result of the above there were problems with GSons surgery. Whether they caught the cold from you or from someone else is not actually relevant., What is relevant is that you went over there with a cold, when you knew GS was due to have surgery! That was an inappropriate thing to do

Making a fuss, pushing and arguing is not going to change anything, if anything it is likely to cause longer term bigger problems sadly. You may not like their decisions but it is their decision.

I do understand how this might be hard to accept but accept it you must I think. Try to focus on enjoying a Christmas together or with your Mum.

Surely this isn't for real! If this were mumsnet this post would be reported as a troll!

You went to your son's last Christmas with a cold knowing your Grandson was having surgery. I do think that was a selfish action on your part.
Your son now does not trust you and you have to earn that trust back.
My partner and I are on our own Christmas I am looking forward to it.