anxiety by one member of the family

For goodness sake, leave your daughter in law alone!

She is clearly overly anxious and may have mental health issues but it is for her and her husband to resolve; what comes through your posts is your determination to force her and her family into a meeting, the prospect of which terrifies her.

Sounds to me like your DIL is going right over the top. Is your son going to work? Are your GC attending school? Won’t she even allow a garden meeting? Thing is you don’t want to upset her, but at the same time she is acting very bizarrely - especially as ‘they’ reckon the various vaccines can cope with the Indian variant anyway. Have you spoken to her about her fears?

Yes, of course. But 2 weeks ago, and without us putting any pressure, in fact not saying anything about visiting, DIL said we would be able to meet again in July. After 15 months.

Last night son said she is freaking out because of lock-down being eased and the Indian variant- and said meeting in July will probably not happen.

AIBU to feel really sad about this- our grandchildren have changed so much since we last saw them and we feel so isolated.

I think we’re all having different coronavirus journeys and must respect how different people are dealing with it. (Except for anti vacc’ers/anti maskers/anti lockdowners: I won’t respect them). And those of us that have had the vaccine are in a different place to younger people that haven’t and young mothers that have children to worry about.

I suppose that leaves you with the option of having a small family picnic with those who will come. Like you said, nice and easy to organise. You'll just have to enjoy that and wait for the others to catch up with where you are.

There isn't a compromise for your DIL here. What the rest of the family does risks bringing Covid into the home. I've told one of mine who wants to travel that if they do, they aren't coming back home (lives at home, with me) until they have been back for two weeks. They can make their choice but they don't get to make the choice of risk for the rest of the family. I wouldn't worry about an outdoor family gathering but we're all different.

I anticipate that it would put granchildren and son in a very unpleasant situation- where they would be torn. She will not let them come without her- or would not have them back in the house if they came (yes, it is, that bad). So would be better not to have meet up at all. As said, only 2 sons, and partners and 2 GCs- for an outside picnic. Not talking about massive affair!

I think I'd just have the gathering. Everyone can come, if they choose not to, I'd accept that they have a different viewpoint and are free to make their own choices.

What kind of difficulties do you anticipate? That some of the children will be disappointed and express it? Life is full of disappointments and we have to deal with them. I'm sure your son can handle his children being disappointed.

Kali2

Oh I am so happy for you. Yes, of course- but at what time will it become unreasonable and beyond 'being careful' - end of June, July, August, September - after half-term, Christmas- Easter 2022???

We are sitting tight, saying absolutely nothing apart from a good moan here, but we do wonder. When?

Just as there is no set end date for the pandemic, there is no start date on when people will feel comfortable.

I’m the only one in my family sticking closely to guidelines. I’m the one who moves to looser guidelines last.

My family teases me, but they understand that I move at the comfort level of my immediate family.

Unfortunately it’s literally a waiting game.

Just remember, this is nothing personal. It’s nothing to do with you.

Oh I am so happy for you. Yes, of course- but at what time will it become unreasonable and beyond 'being careful' - end of June, July, August, September - after half-term, Christmas- Easter 2022???

We are sitting tight, saying absolutely nothing apart from a good moan here, but we do wonder. When?

Good news! I have today been to see my new grandson for the first time. My husband and I had to take a lateral flow test to allay our DiL's fears, wash our hands as soon as we got there, and stay in the garden but DiL did allow us to see him and that was wonderful.

So Kali2, there is hope that the unfortunate situation you find yourself in with your family won't last for ever.

It is a great situation if all friends and family are on the same path out of lockdown but my experience is that that is not the case. I am one of the cautious ones (probably like your DIL) and believe we all decide what levels of risk are acceptable to ourselves. Some of my friends are happy to go to the shops which is allowed but I will stick to deliveries as I don't think it is an acceptable risk for me. But on the other hand I had coffee in a garden with 3 vaccinated friends socially distanced today which is at the lower end of my personal risk 'chart'. I do steer clear of those who as soon as we are permitted to do things rush to eg make booking for meals, appointments with beauty salons etc as I feel they are more risk takers and not ideal to mix with. I feel your DIL has maybe has a similar risk chart to mine. Testing was mentioned by some to get round your problem but the lateral flow ones have been proven to be inaccurate. You also have to wait for several weeks after vaccination for best level of immunity and I am sure your DIL will be aware of this. Also remember not all vaccinations work and we have the variants to cope with now. I think your DIL will gradually grow in confidence as more have 2nd vaccine and a couple of weeks have passed. Maybe you are talking to her about you going to shops etc and this may increase her anxiety. I would play that down too as she may feel you are taking too many risks from her point of view (I know that is not the view of many) Eventually as more people do more things and the children put pressure on her (as children are well able to do) I am sure she will loosen up a bit. I think the most telling thing you have mentioned is about 'time'. You, like me, are older and have less time left, while your DIL will feel she has more and this is therefore less important to her. Please be patient. I know you are eager to get on with things but if she feels this in any communication with her it may keep her locked up longer. I know that my friends were meeting before I felt ready and they just said to let them know when I was. There was no pressure which felt good. So it would be worth carrying on with the rest of your family with small gatherings and she will gradually see that this is working fine and feel able to lower the level of protection she has for her family. I hope things work out for you.

My family situation does not matter here.

We all have different family dynamics and you cannot get water from a stone (son and gc to join)

Yes Hithere- how long is it since you have seen your children and grandchildren- if I may ask.

I have had waited and waited, and we thought we could see the light at the end of the tunnel and that the end of May would be fine. So it is hard to see that light vanish- especially as there is no real, logical reason for it, in so many ways. So I am glad some can see the disappointment without judging so harshly.

Thanks May7 - very kind words.

Yes, perhaps in July, perhaps in the autumn, or as you say, next year. Anniversaries are not important- but I am getting very emotionla about not seeing sons and GCs for so long. As we get older and face serious health issues- time suddenly become so much more 'important' and we certainly become so much more aware of this. And in the meantime, GCs have gone from littl'uns to teenagers- and changing so fast. And teenagers have enough on their plate at the moment, I feel.

I completely understand where you are coming from kali2 I think there are as many people who feel anxious about mixing as those who are frustrated at not mixing. Pleased you are doing your ranting here.
Have your anniversary party next year instead when hopefully everyone will have calmed down. Thats what we have decided.
You have my utmost sympathy but there is really very little you can do at the moment if you dont want to upset anyone.
Happy Anniversary to you both

If not having your son and gc in this reunion would be no fun, why hold it now instead of waiting when they can join?

Your son is not responsible for others people's feelings.

As explained, that would make some members of the family uneasy and put them is 'difficult' situation- so that would be no fun.

There were just 4 of us for our wedding- I was hoping to double that to a massive 8 outdoors. See how it goes. And thanks to the few have have lent a sympathetic ear.

Kali2

Why not enjoy this event with the people that would love to join it?
You will spoil the fun by concentrating on something you have no control over.

You are obviously feeling quite defensive now, Kali2, which is a bit of a shame because I think most people aren't so much picking sides as putting another viewpoint. However, if you are feeling disappointed that you will not see your son and grandchildren, it is probably colouring your feelings too.
I know it has been such a long time and I am lucky that my children don't feel the same way as your DIL but many people want more time to see what happens before they start mixing. In a way, it is understandable because the last relaxing in rules started the process for other lockdowns. That doesn't mean your DIL has health anxiety, she might just be wanting to be a little more cautious. Your son can help his children through the feelings which will arise from his wife's caution and, in doing so, he can acknowledge that caution is still necessary whilst reassuring them that it will be ok in the long run. Your grandchildren are getting a valuable lesson in consideration for others too. If they show signs of anxiety, that can be dealt with when it happens.
I think I might be inclined to reassure my DIL that we can go at her pace and are really looking forward to seeing her and the family when she feels able to. You can show empathy and make her feel reassured or you can make waves which will backfire in the long run and possibly cause irreparable damage. You sound like you are leaning towards patience so keep reminding yourself of the long term goal which must be a good relationship with all the family.

Yes GrannyRose- and yet I am concerned that if son and GCs are not allowed to come because their mother is anxious- it will make them all sad and perhaps add to tensions there.

For now, we will just have to wait and see. Not much to organise as it will just be a picnic, with 4, or 8 of us. Can beput together very quickly- no fuss.

Kali2

Go ahead and arrange your party. Invite all your family but try not to be too disappointed if some of them don't come.

As I said earlier, we can't all stay locked up until the last of us feels safe.

It’s been announced in the last couple of days that it’s the lockdown and not the vaccination which has brought about most of the reduction in infections and deaths.

And this has been refuted by many.

Found this article- very interesting

www.bbc.com/news/disability-56591440

Thank you. Sorry if my post was badly expressed and caused confusion.

Kali2

ElderlyPerson

Kali2

ElderlyPerson- I have never said she is not obeying the rules- where on earth?

Page 1, final post on that page, Sun 18-Apr-21 13:51:36

that was in response to someone saying she is just obeying the rules - and I replied that she is not, as rules have changed.

Yes, I looked back through the thread and I understand what you mean.

That context causes your post to have a different meaning.