anxiety by one member of the family

Nannagarra

Reread your posts and their responses. You asked for advice which overwhelmingly has been to show her understanding, compassion and support.
You won’t give up, will you? Not nice.

Which is have taken on board- this is just an internet discussion. How can you say I 'won't give up' - when I have said in OP that there is probably nothing one can do, and when I have not said anything, at all- to DIL. But I am concerned that children say they are mocked at school because they are the only ones not allowed any contact outside school.

As for 'their family have decided' - that is not really fair either. The family wants to meet for a small outdoor celebration - just one person refuses to.

But yes, I give up ...

Thanks for the few who have understood. We will go ahead and celebrate with one Dil and son- and say they are more than welcome to join us. We will ensure it is outside and all safe- and we will all be vaccinated by then. And if they choose not to come, it will be their decision. However, I know GCs and son would be very disappointed, and will probably voice this to DIL. We are trying to avoid this- the feelings of son and GCs are also very important. (and as said, we have always got on very well with DIL - never been any tensions in the past- and we have spent many happy times together, holidays too).

Posters say... autocorrect is very much hated

Mothers - one of the first things we teach our kids is that the world/life is not fair

Mommy, my friend has a red bike, I want one too!
No, Tommy, you already have one
Mommy, it is not fair! Mine is ollldddddd
Tommy, life is not fair

Same in these threads, when posters says the situation is not fair

It is honestly childish to claim "not fair" to justify his/her pov.

Just because something doesnt happen as you wished it, throwing the fairness factor is not going to fix it

grannyRose, how are they dictating to other people? They have decided for their family. They haven't and can't stop other members of the family having their get-togethers. They just won't be part of it. It stinks for those family members who want to see them, but their decision to make.

I weigh up all sorts of things when I think about who I will see. What is the occupation of the person? (How many people does that mean they are exposed to and at what level of risk). It makes no difference to me if they are vaccinated. If vaccinated they can be asymptomatic but still able to carry it into my household where we are not vaccinated, None of us are eligible yet. Unless someone had symptoms I'd probably be comfortably meeting outdoors but other people won't be.

ElaineI

Your son and DiL are in charge of their own family and need to be respected in the way they have protected them. It is no one else's business how they have done it. The problem is not with them but with you complaining about it so much. Many people are anxious about lifting restrictions and she is right to be cautious.

The point here is that the son and dil are not just in charge of their own family, they are also dictating how the rest of the wider family live their lives. This is not right and not fair.

At some point someone is going to have to say, "We are not going to be restricted by your unreasonable fear. If you want to cut yourself off from the rest of us then do so but we are going to get on with our lives."

We can't all stay locked up until the last person feels "safe".

I absolutely understand your point of view.

Last summer when restrictions were eased a bit my grandchildren were not "allowed" to see their other grandparents even though it was perfectly legal and I was prepared to facilitate the meeting. I was also restricted in my movements by my daughter more than the government.

Now I am being kept from seeing my new grandson even though I have been vaccinated and the rules allow me to do so.

Many people have been so terrified by government policy that they are quite literally petrified by fear. It is going to take a long time for the fear to subside and even longer to rebuild the fractured family relationships.

Sorry I can't give any advice but I'm battling to keep my own emotions in check, knowing that if I explode I will do further damage to already strained relationships with my family.

Kali2 Why don't you just start to plan a May get-together with the rest of the family? Your DIL may be feeling more relaxed by then.

Reread your posts and their responses. You asked for advice which overwhelmingly has been to show her understanding, compassion and support.
You won’t give up, will you? Not nice.

Your DIL is just taking a more cautious approach than you are. Each person and family has to decide what they are comfortable with. That might be difficult for some other people who want to see them but we just have to respect different people's choices around this. I'm sure your DIL has good reasons in her eyes to make the decisions she has.

In our household we go with the most conservative person when it comes to what is okay to do. The choices of one person affect all the rest. Your DIL might have a medical condition to worry about that you aren't aware of. She might be waiting for everyone to be eligible for the vaccination. She might want numbers of new cases much lower before she feels safe. You just need to respect that.

If your son thinks there is more going on, he needs to talk to his wife about that and support her. If they haven't yet reached an agreement about how to handle opening up more, maybe that's the conversation they need to have.

Have you ordered your freely available lateral flow tests yet? My D and sil have to test on Sunday’s and Wednesdays so their small children can attend school. We’ve had both jabs now so feel safer and are happy to see them Sunday’s or Wed now- once they’ve tested! Still in the garden though. Maybe all of you testing would help Dil to feel safer?

You say you have waited long enough

She and your son say "we are not ready yet"

They win

Kali2

Please Summerlove, you are being truly unfair here. As said, this has never been discussed with son, or DIL- and no pressure was put on anyone.

But are you really saying one should not be concerned about the effect on teenagers- never mind on oneself. Mental issues and anxiety in teenagers are at record high - and it is concerning the mother is adding to this hugely. And no, I have not, and will not- let her see. Not even my son.

I chose to come here to discuss this- well away from them - in the hope of getting some advice and perhaps, yes, support.

You seem unable to see past your wants.

I was trying to provide alternate ideas.

I truly wish you well in your wait.

Please stop measuring time and try to see her viewpoint.
You want contact; she feels safer keeping apart. Her aim is to protect her family, not to control anyone - just the threat of the virus. She sees statistics but has her own assessment of the situation. She has a personal comfort level despite what guidelines say we can (not should) do.
Most likely her fear and exasperation equal your frustration.
Be sensitive to her. Ask her what she can cope with as a possible first move towards physical contact (maybe a wave and smile from the end of their drive or a chat through a closed window). If she can do this, accept with grace and take it slowly. I think she’ll benefit if you all give her the lead to take baby steps.

Well yes, because we have waited so long, and have been so patient and understanding so far. Not a word said or implied - and yes, we will soon all be vaccinated- all the adults. We are talking here about in 6 weeks time- and yes, we were hoping for a small, intimate gathering, outside. We have missed all sorts of big birthdays and events too.

So sad that people are prepared to meet up for funerals- up to 30- but not to meet when alive, 6 or 8 outside. I don't want anyone at my funeral - I won't care!

Regardless of the size of the gathering, it’s obviously very important to you and is a motivating factor in trying to influence the situation. As I said before I do completely understand that and I daresay I’d feel the same frustration.

With that said, unless your son and DIL are willing to relax their rules around C19, it’s a case of wait and see. I’m not sure on ages etc of all concerned, maybe when all parties are fully vaccinated then that might make a difference. In my area those under 60 are still unvaccinated (except through jobs or health conditions) and it’s not expected to have these categories dealt with til summer time.

I do feel sorry for your situation, everyone wants to get a semblance of normality back and we’ve all missed so much. My own family/extended family have missed 3 landmark birthdays, a big anniversary, a graduation which couldn’t happen and it’s sad and frustrating. What keeps me going is the hope that when it is truly as safe as it can be for all of us then we can have a big catch all and all freely enjoy it without any lingering fear.

Please Summerlove, you are being truly unfair here. As said, this has never been discussed with son, or DIL- and no pressure was put on anyone.

But are you really saying one should not be concerned about the effect on teenagers- never mind on oneself. Mental issues and anxiety in teenagers are at record high - and it is concerning the mother is adding to this hugely. And no, I have not, and will not- let her see. Not even my son.

I chose to come here to discuss this- well away from them - in the hope of getting some advice and perhaps, yes, support.

The only people being aggressive and unpleasant are those diagnosing your Dil with a mental illness who is hurting her family.

Anxiety about covid is NORMAL.

Give her time, and try to never let her see that you feel she’s hurt her children.

Sparkling

Kali, it’s totally irrational I know and certainly not helping the children, they must be getting neurotic, they need some normality, feel sorry for your son too, he’s walking a tightrope. As to what you can do, I’m afraid very little, your son needs to step up eventually and have a frank conversation stating his concerns about their mental health, perhaps in a few weeks time when she can see how things are progressing.

I’m sorry, this type of post only serves to make the DIL into a monster for having normal concerns.
Accuses her of hurting her family.

Attitudes like this do nothing to help foster good relationships

Lolo81 - I am not talking about a big party- just a very small get together, with DIL, son and 2 grandchildren, and hopefully other son and partner. So 6, or 8 if allowed. No more- outside, in garden- after 15 months without seeing them. Not even a party at all- just being together for a while, outside. Truly I am shocked at the amount of aggressivity and unpleasantness here.

Sparrkling, than you for those kind, understanding words. Yes, I said it myself in my initial post- probably nothing we can do but wait and be patient and understanding. We have never put pressure on anyone- at all.

And yes, I am concerned about the effect this is having on the GCs- who find it all very frustrating and depressing. Teenagers have enough on their plate at the moment without being made to feel even worse.

Kali, it’s totally irrational I know and certainly not helping the children, they must be getting neurotic, they need some normality, feel sorry for your son too, he’s walking a tightrope. As to what you can do, I’m afraid very little, your son needs to step up eventually and have a frank conversation stating his concerns about their mental health, perhaps in a few weeks time when she can see how things are progressing.

I would give it a bit more time to be honest. Coming out of lockdown is a bit like Christmas morning. We’re excited, and want to rush downstairs to see our presents , but parents, like us, used to say, ‘ hold on, breakfast first’.
We’re on the brink...but not there yet, and she could just be exercising genuine caution. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt....for now. Once we get to that big date in June, and all is going well, then perhaps you’d have grounds for concern, but at the moment,I think you’re being a bit premature.

Kali2

No I have never said anything to either him or her- pressured, undermined, or whatever. Which is why I wanted to discuss this here, where I know the discussion will not affect them in any way whatsoever.

And that is the thing, she is not obeying the rules at all- as rules have now changed. Son meeting his brother would be perfectly legal. So would a meet up of 4 of us + 2 GCs, or even 6 of us + 2 GC- in a garden. That is the whole point.

She is still obeying the rules, she is just not following them to the way you want her to. Just because you are allowed to do more, doesn’t mean you are forced to do more.

Raising it isn’t being selfish, but raising it with the agenda of wanting an anniversary party.........

Anxiety is a mental illness, and perhaps I’ve misread some of the comments that came after my original one - in which my understanding was that this was OP’’s diagnosis rather than an actual one. If this is not the case then I do apologise unreservedly for the diagnosis comment.

But if you have a genuine concern for anyone, and the majority of advice is to be supportive and understanding - then the reply is to repeatedly ask but when can I get what I want? Then yes, there is an element of selfishness there - it is motivated by what the OP wants - to see her family and make plans for her anniversary party.

Is that normal? Probably, I totally understand how frustrating it must be which is why I asked if she was just having a vent. Let’s face it we all do that and this is a great forum to have a vent about things.

The reality of the situation though is that no matter how frustrating, no matter the cause of the DIL’s actions (anxiety or an abundance of caution), OP has zero say here. And to prevent a possible fracture in the relationship when we do eventually come out of this God awful situation we’re all in then this is IMO a case where least said (aloud) is soonest mended.

Hang on! Isn't anxiety a form of mental illness? I thought we were about breaking down taboos not building them up again.
If it isn't coersive control and is due to anxiety why is raising that issue being selfish?

Thank you. I have never diagnosed DIL as mentally ill. Never.

And as said, have chosen to have this discussion on here, because I can't and won't have it in RL. Of course I will persevere- but we were hoping that after 14 months- we would slowly but surely, be able to see GCs face to face, outside- and then perhaps widen the circle to other very close members of family.

We will soon all be vaccinated, apart from the GCs- and yes, we did hope that would make a difference.