anxiety by one member of the family

I’m going to try and put this as kindly but bluntly as I can. I understand you are frustrated and you want to see your family. But no-one other than your DIL and son can decide that. You’ve had lots of advice given to take your time and how to support the family, the fact that you want something else won’t change how you DIL feels.

You seem very focused on the “when” and have repeated this several times throughout the thread and your replies. I’m hoping that’s just you having a vent on here and doesn’t spill over into real life because the repetition of wanting your own timeline, whilst diagnosing DIL as mentally ill comes across as a wee bit selfish to me.

I am sorry you feel so frustrated, and I hope you can persevere.

You are well within your right to feel sad or frustrated with your daughter in law but she really isn't alone in feeling like this. I have had past trauma and some parts of the lockdown/restrictions I am sure I have had some sort of ptsd. It isn't even as if she can ring and go see her GP as presumably she'll feel on hyper alert about that too? Try to step back a bit

Correction, in England, 6 people incl. GCs. So we would not consider meeting up with other son and partner until allowed, of course. We were planning for end of May, and only if allowed.

So of course we can be patient, supportive, understanding ...

but for how long, another month, or 2, or 3 or till the autumn, till Christmas, till 2022? It is hard- GCs are changing so rapidly, and as we get older we feel we are totally missing them growing up.

No I have never said anything to either him or her- pressured, undermined, or whatever. Which is why I wanted to discuss this here, where I know the discussion will not affect them in any way whatsoever.

And that is the thing, she is not obeying the rules at all- as rules have now changed. Son meeting his brother would be perfectly legal. So would a meet up of 4 of us + 2 GCs, or even 6 of us + 2 GC- in a garden. That is the whole point.

Anxiety over covid is normal.
Fear of getting sick is normal.
Fear of loved ones getting sick and dying is normal.

Instead of deciding she has a mental illness you need to fix, you need to take a step back and stop complaining about her level of comfort.

If her husband is upset, they need to deal with it together. No one wants to hear “my mother thinks you are damaging our wider family and going to give our children a mental illness.

It’s hard, but you need to be supportive and patient. Support your daughter in law. DONT undermine her

Legal rules for pandemic do not really match the seriousness of the situation

Just because the law says you can do x, y or z, it doesn't mean it is safe at all.

This is a situation between your husband and his wife and family and I do feel you are pressurising him to allow access for the wider family. His wife is obeying the rules; she may be overly cautious, but it is her family, and you have to leave them alone to resolve this themselves.

Peasblossom- not at all. We have not any big meet up in mind at all. We have not seen anyone since last March. We just hoped that soon we could have both adult sons, our dil and 2 grandchildren together for a special anniversary in the Summer - so 6 adults and 2 children- outside.

I am concerned too that her anxiety will be passed on to the grandchildren- and that they are being kept away from some semblance of 'normal' life, by their very anxious mother.

Kali2

Other grandparents live abroad- and not allowed to come and visit by daughter. And they find it very hard too.

All in family are concerned about the scenes in pubs and restaurants, etc. All realise that we are not ready to go back to 'normal' at all- but we all feel, apart from DIL, that meeting close members of family outside should be allowed now or in near future.

It is just the way she shouted at son that if he wanted to go and see his brother to support him, he would not be welcome back in the family home and would have to stay in a Hôtel for 10 days. Makes him feel totally pig in the middle, and yes, controlled- even though he knows it is her anxiety at play.

She will not consider counselling or help/support - he has tried to discuss this with her, but she won't hear of it and gets very angry.

I have a large extended family and we have not been together for well over a year. We are slowly begin to visit each other in back gardens etc in small numbers, but it will be some time before we can really be together in ways we used to be.
It is hard when you feel your child is being subject to unfair behaviour, but he's an adult and has to fight his own battles.
My DIL does not see herself as ill and will not seek help either. It is the most destructive thing as she is increasingly isolated with the baby.
I am in a constant state of anxiety myself but get any help I can, including counselling and medication, to help myself. I really don't understand how people suffer needlessly when there is so much help out there, and never will.

I think we're only at the start of a mental health pandemic.

I think we all have different levels of anxiety over Covid, depending on our experiences. One friend in the SouthWest is very nonchalant. Infection levels have been low and she doesn’t know anyone who has been ill.

I live in a high infection area. Even in the Summer we were in local lockdown. My next door neighbour died of Covid. I watched him carried to the ambulance, grey and gasping for breath.

In the Summer my nephew brought me a birthday present and left it on the doorstep while I waved through the window. Two days later he tested positive. The distancing we laughed over saved me. I knew then how easily infection travels.

You do sound a bit as if you want to mix a lot of the family together. Brothers, siblings, grandparents close by and abroad, cousins, friends. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that at present.
Perhaps she is wary of the amount of mixing that you do?

Those two links have not come out very clearly.

screening.mhanational.org/content/what-do-when-they-dont-want-help/

www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/supporting-others/10-ways-to-be-there-for-someone-you-re-worried-about

Kali2 What would be your response to your DiL's behaviour if instead of having mental problems, she had been diagnosed with cancer or Multiple Sclerosis?

Would you be grumbling about how much longer you are going to have to run your life around her illness, look after the children because she is ill, avoid seeing her because chemo therapy or radiography has damaged her immune system. There is no difference whether she is mentally ill, or physically ill.

I get a real feeling that you continue to see this situation as one where she is trying to control you and, to use an old fashioned idea, you think she ought to just snap out of it and stop being so silly. Try changing your attitude to her. See her as someone who is not well, because she isn't.

I doubt if she is happy as things are, with that great burden of fear and anxiety on her mind and shoulders and I am sure she can tell how irritated you are by the whole situation, whch can only make her more anxious. You say She will not consider counselling or help/support - he has tried to discuss this with her, but she won't hear of it and gets very angry. that is a not uncommon reaction from people in her situation, they see themselves as being incapable of being helped.

Here are links to two sites that discuss how to help someone in her position. They are full of advice of how to approach people in this situation. I learnt a lot from reading them and wished I had known what I now do when looking after a relation with depression. www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/supporting-others/10-ways-to-be-there-for-someone-you-re-worried-about
screening.mhanational.org/content/what-do-when-they-dont-want-help/

Your son and DiL are in charge of their own family and need to be respected in the way they have protected them. It is no one else's business how they have done it. The problem is not with them but with you complaining about it so much. Many people are anxious about lifting restrictions and she is right to be cautious.

And very hard for granchildren not allowed to see cousins or best friends- even outside. Thank goodness they are back at school next week.

Yes, I understand. And yet- when a large extended family is affected- with no end in sight- it is hard. Hard for brothers and sibblings not to be allowed to support each other- and for grand-parents not to see grandchildren for many many months.

The point being- that so many are prevented from seeing each other sensibly, outside- for so so long- because of one person's anxiety.

And how long for- another month? 2 months, 3, 4 - how long more. The 2 brothers have not seen each other since last March- and same for grandparents on both sides.

Totally agree with Monica - this is NOT coercive control. This is someone with a different comfort level than you do around this pandemic.
How have the extended family behaved during the lockdown? Have they followed guidelines? If not that could give you insight as to her reaction.
Personally I’m not comfortable and don’t think I will be until I (and my immediate family) are fully vaccinated.
The worst thing in the world for someone with anxiety is to be told what the “need to do” and to have pressure put on them. If her husband is seriously concerned about her mental health, then he could maybe contact their GP or a mental health charity for advice.

Kids at school are likely to be with other kids whose families do not follow guidelines- so could put dil and family at risk.

Other grandparents live abroad- and not allowed to come and visit by daughter. And they find it very hard too.

All in family are concerned about the scenes in pubs and restaurants, etc. All realise that we are not ready to go back to 'normal' at all- but we all feel, apart from DIL, that meeting close members of family outside should be allowed now or in near future.

It is just the way she shouted at son that if he wanted to go and see his brother to support him, he would not be welcome back in the family home and would have to stay in a Hôtel for 10 days. Makes him feel totally pig in the middle, and yes, controlled- even though he knows it is her anxiety at play.

She will not consider counselling or help/support - he has tried to discuss this with her, but she won't hear of it and gets very angry.

Well, I guess you’ve been vaccinated and like me you’re starting to feel more confident and relaxed about things. It’s amazing the difference that vaccine makes to what I feel comfortable about.

There seems to be a feeling that it’s all over now and we can just go back to normal, but we won’t know that for a few weeks until the effect of this easing becomes apparent. After all schools are still taking stringent precautions to ensure the children’s safety and to limit carrying infection to family members.

Was he meeting his brother outside? Do you want to meet up outside? Or are you thinking back to normal with family get togethers?

It isn’t over yet!

Kali2 I am in the same position, though my DIL's issues began long before Covid.
How don't know how long either- it may be forever. I have no control over it so I see people who are happy to see me and enjoy my company.
Are you in touch with the other grandparents? How are they dealing with it?

Son did not go and felt really bad he could not support his brother at this very difficult time. No family visits at all. Yes, Skype and Facetime- but it is not the same is it. Other families are beginning to meet, outside in gardens- but she will not consider any visits whatsoever, even outside.

Question is, for how long? Another couple of weeks, 1 month, the whole Summer, the whole year- or beyond. Her needs and anxiety are one thing - but it is so hard on the children, sibblings, and all, including 2 sets of grand-parents.

Your DILs fears are overwhelming her and restricting her life. I agree that this is not coercive behaviour as she is in genuine fear of Covid.
There are websites to look at: Anxiety UK or Mind to try to help and understand her but she may need medical help firstly.

Thank you both. Yes, this is hard, I agree. But it is also hard that the over ? anxiety of one if having such an effect on the children and the whole family- including grand-parents who are not allowed to visit either.

Children are young teens and back at school. But it is so hard for them, after a whole year, to see their friends beginning to meet up, go for cycle rides and play sport - and they are the only ones kept apart from all apart from school.