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Education

Hogwarts will NOT now become an academy

(23 Posts)
Anya Sat 07-May-16 12:42:49

The Ministry of Magic has announced it has abandoned plans to force Hogwarts to become an Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The School, which is ranked as the 36th best school in Scotland and rated as Excellent by inspectors despite the regular horrific deaths of both teachers and students, was set to be forced to the new status despite protests from educationalist Minerva McGonagall and headmaster Albus Dumbledore.

Academy Status would have transferred control of the School from the government to Lucius Malfoy’s non-profit organisation, “Associated Parselmouth Educational Partners”, or APEP.

When it was pointed out that was the same name as the great serpent who devours the sun, Mr Malfoy said it was ‘purest coincidence’.

Meanwhile, some students at the school have been withdrawn due to parental concerns over ‘constant testing'.

“Childhood should be a time for play, but Ministry of Magic so-called experts want us to stick a wand in a child’s hand at make them face a dementor at the age of eleven!”, said angry parent Simonius Willithwaite.

“They say it’s in case ‘You know who’ comes back, but that’s just scaremongering propaganda which has been soundly disproved by experts.

“And insisting that Defense against the Dark Arts teachers should have some sort of qualification rather than just being a celebrity or an old mate of the headmaster misses the whole point of learning through fun and play.

“Yes, we do hope my daughter will be out of the infirmary when everything has grown back, thanks for asking.”

The Ministry was further humiliated when Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge failed to see off a Boggart on the Today Programme this morning, despite that being on the curriculum for key stage two.

A ministry spokesman later denied that Fudge simply wasn’t very good at magic, and insisted he was just very tired and suffering from a cold.

Source: News Thump

Anniebach Sat 07-May-16 13:18:12

Love it, thank you

Eloethan Sat 07-May-16 13:29:00

Anya Brilliant smile

pollyperkins Sat 07-May-16 13:55:06

Ha ha!smile

trisher Sat 07-May-16 13:59:58

Great! but I suspect just the beginning of the story. I think Malfoy and his associates have just made a strategic withdrawal.

Willow500 Sat 07-May-16 14:17:45

Great news grin

LullyDully Sat 07-May-16 14:27:52

I love it, made me giggle. Sadly so true.

Indinana Sat 07-May-16 14:39:14

Absolutely brilliant! grin

Jayh Sat 07-May-16 14:56:01

So relieved to hear the good news about Hogwarts as I am currently visiting Diagon Alley and my Gdaughters have been chosen by their wands. Will proceed to the robe outfitters forthwith.
(All true we are in Orlando! ) 👍

rosesarered Sat 07-May-16 16:26:16

Will this affect their wand licence?

Deedaa Mon 09-May-16 22:49:13

Hopefully business will be continuing as usual at Flourish and Blotts. Although they may have been hoping for a new, enforced curriculum requiring extra spell books!

Lilyflower Tue 10-May-16 10:36:10

Brilliant! And did a teacher write a letter to all the pupils to tell them they were 'special' and not to mind those wicked old SATs (Satanic Attainment Tests)?

busylizzy Tue 10-May-16 10:37:46

More please Anya!😀

annodomini Tue 10-May-16 10:53:07

Genius, Anya. Thanks for that.

pattie Tue 10-May-16 10:54:13

Absolutely brilliant. Please forward it to Cameron and colleagues.

moobox Tue 10-May-16 11:01:42

Oh yes, we should have a few more ministers asked to wave their magic wands at answering 9 x 8 questions on news reports.

Anya Tue 10-May-16 11:09:01

IT IS time for changeling Michael Gove to return to his own kind, according to malevolent woodland sprites.

After being substituted for a human baby many years ago, the creature calling itself Gove must now stop causing mischief in our world and return to the forest.

King of the tree sprites Tom Logan said: “It’s amazing Gove has passed as human for so long, it’s over 5000 years now since he was first hatched from a small green egg.

“He’s only amongst humans because a woodcutter pissed us off by chopping down a magic yew tree and we stole his baby, but the curse has expired now so we want Gove back on sprite duty molesting unwary travellers.

“I’m quite impressed with all the trouble he’s caused though, so I might see if he can get the flower fairies to start a pointless campaign to leave the forest.”

Gove, real name Crikkety Wikkety, said: “I’d love to stay meddling in human affairs, but I should really get back to luring people off the path and deep into the woods where the witches can get them.

“It’s going to be awkward telling my wife I’m an evil wood sprite, but I think she already has her suspicions due to certain root-like parts of my anatomy.”

Source: The Daily Mash

kazzer Tue 10-May-16 11:29:15

Ha ha!

Cosafina Tue 10-May-16 13:04:02

smilegrin

trisher Tue 10-May-16 13:07:42

Great thanks Anya. So clever!

Blinko Tue 10-May-16 13:17:57

Excellent! I'm loving this. Pity that 2 DiLs, both teachers, are not on GN to read it.

clareken Tue 10-May-16 14:53:09

There is a gent on Facebook who is writing in the style of Terry Pratchett, having Susan take a school trip to the Unseen University. It is told as newspaper editorials. I am enthralled by them.

MagicWand Tue 10-May-16 16:47:29

Have you a link for that clareken?

Brilliant stuff Anya!!!