Gransnet forums

Education

Degree Dilema

(18 Posts)
NannieN Sat 09-May-20 14:30:06

Hi All
This is a bit of a rant, get it of my chest kind of post but also to see if any of you might have some views to help understand somebody else's point of view.
I'm very excited at the age of 50 to have been offered a place to study for a degree at a local university. This is something for varied reasons I didn't think I was able to do and didn't realise how much I wanted to do until now
Recently after 22 years with the same company in a management position with all the perks. I took voluntary redundancy as wanted to explore other avenues.
I secured a new job in a school after taking a bit of time out which must of made DH think I had moved on and was happy.
I didn't feel fully settled and had been thinking I need to do something else/different and once I hit on the idea of going to university, I knew that was the next step for me.
I mentioned in passing to DH that I was going to give up work and study full time. He just glared at me and looked as though had told him his beloved football team had been relegated by 2 divisions for no reason (angry and confused). No questions or conversation. I went ahead with my application and have been offered a place on my 1st choice course. Again tried talking to DH. He again had nothing to say. After a bit of probing he said that I hadn't consulted him. If I can afford it and I'm going to do what I want anyway.
I don't understand why he is response feels negative. No questions about why, where or what. He knows me and knows I would do research and have a back up plan if the things don't work out but he hasn't asked about any of this.
I'm not going to let this put me off. I am so proud and excited to have this opportunity 😁. I could bust and I just want to share this with all my family and friends but DH is giving me a degree downer.
Help me understand from his point of view xx

MissAdventure Sat 09-May-20 14:35:08

He probably feels a bit unsettled, I'd say?

I think I would, too, but I'd soon get over it.

Teetime Sat 09-May-20 15:31:20

Go for it. I dont understand your husbands attitude as mine was nothing but support and help. Perhaps its the money that worries him or that you will find a lot of other people that you will have things in common with. I still say Go For IT!!

FarNorth Sat 09-May-20 15:37:30

Perhaps he's worried about being the sole earner who will have to continue working full time?
You don't say here, if you can continue to earn while studying.

grandMattie Sat 09-May-20 15:37:55

On the whole, men don’t like their women to be more intelligent/better educated than they are. The rain lies your problem. He feels threatened.
Go for it girl!

Jane10 Sat 09-May-20 15:59:45

You don't have to give up work to study for a degree. It's perfectly possible. I suspect your DH might be worried about a drop in income.
Check out distance learning. I did several degrees this way. There were study weekends, local tutorials and lots of online info and support. I think I was a much more productive student than I would have been if I'd been a full time one. Lots of faffing about as far as I can see.

Daddima Sat 09-May-20 16:10:54

You say you mentioned ‘ in passing’ what you were going to do, so maybe that’s why his wee nose is out of joint!
Not saying you should have consulted him, but it’s quite a big thing to decide without at least asking his opinion, isn’t it?

eazybee Sat 09-May-20 16:40:29

If you tried to discuss it with him and he blanked you, then you have no need to feel guilty, but if you mentioned it 'in passing' and he wasn't aware of what you were doing he may well be feeling anxious about finances and your joint future; studying for a degree is not cheap and it is very time-consuming. People do study and work to earn at the same time, but usually with a supportive family; if he is resentful then it will make it very difficult for both of you.
Talk it through properly with him, explaining how much it means to you, and listen to why he is opposed to it. Studying for a degree does change your outlook on life and you will find new interests and people occupying your time, as well as a large workload which will take you away from family life.
That said, there is no way you should forgo this opportunity but you must be prepared for a change in your relationship. .

NotTooOld Sat 09-May-20 17:13:33

I'd like to say go ahead and do the degree anyway but I know from personal experience that the whole thing is much easier if you have the support of a partner. Don't underestimate the amount of time your studies will take and how much pressure you will be under when you have a deadline to meet. Don't get me wrong, you should take up this place if that is what you want to do, but you do need to have your partner on-side if at all possible and the only way to do that is to get him to talk to you about his concerns.

GrannySomerset Sat 09-May-20 17:21:43

Worth finding out what he is afraid of. Nearly forty years ago, when I did a degree as a mature student, other women in the same position gradually dropped out for either lack of support or outright hostility from their partners. Mature students were much rarer then; now they are not regarded as unusual.

Is he afraid that you will move beyond his reach? Or that the focus of your interest and concern will be elsewhere? Is he jealous? Better to know before you embark on this exciting new adventure. And good luck!

Oopsadaisy3 Sat 09-May-20 17:28:08

Turn it around and ask yourself how you would have felt if he had mentioned ‘in passing ‘ that he was going to give up work and start University, no matter what you had to say about it.
Wouldn’t you have thought that a discussion beforehand would have been a good idea?
Unless DH and I are odd, we make all major decisions together, I would be very upset if he had announced something major as a done deal. Your DH probably wonders why you want to discuss it now after it’s all done and dusted.

silverlining48 Sat 09-May-20 17:42:24

Firstly congratulations on getting this offer. It might be your husband feels threatened by this, it’s not unusual, think Educating Rita, or as others suggest he may be worried about the financial implications. Only you know your circumstances and you do need to discuss this and preferably agree but do please go ahead with it. It’s a wonderful opportunity. Well done.

Carillion01 Sat 09-May-20 17:57:36

Well done, this must be so exciting.
Do you think there's perhaps an element of understandable insecurity on his part? It won't be all study, there will be a social element which is an important part of the degree experience. Maybe he's worried that friends you will make will be yours and not those who you'd usually share with him? In any event, good luck with your studies.

Tangerine Sat 09-May-20 18:36:03

Perhaps he is worried about money? Is his job secure at the moment?

Loislovesstewie Sat 09-May-20 18:45:54

How would you feel if your husband had done the same?
I'm not saying you are wrong to want to gain a degree but I think that you should have discussed it with him in detail. Is he worried about money or does he think it is one step to leaving him? There will be some impact on him . Again how would you feel if he had announced that he was giving up work?

Hetty58 Sat 09-May-20 18:56:47

Maybe he's jealous. Mine said I was 'too thick' to do it as a mature student. I went ahead, easily got a 2.1. and thoroughly enjoyed it. I think he was worried that I'd meet somebody.

A fellow student had an angry husband who resented her studying at home. He threw her computer out of an upstairs window!

Humbertbear Sat 09-May-20 19:00:42

Good for you for wanting to get a degree but have you thought of studying with the Open University so you could keep working, even if it was only part time?
I did all my studying as a mature student. When I told my husband I wanted to study for a Ph D he said ‘you know you will be 50 when you get it?’ To which I replied ‘well I’ll be 50 anyways so I might as well be 50 with a PhD’.
I wish you every success with your studies but try to reach a compromise with your husband. After all, if you enter full time education you will not only not be earning money, but you will have to pay fees as well.

Daisymae Sat 09-May-20 19:05:27

I think possibly that it was because you didn't actually discuss with him, just told him in passing what your plans were. These plans will have a major impact on both of you so I guess that he is unhappy that you chose not to discuss such a major decision. Your actual wording was 'that I mentioned in passing to DH that I was going to give up work and study full time.' Having supported you thus far I guess/imagine that he feels sidelined. I don't really know how you move on from this, apart from acknowledging his feelings and maybe trying to see things from his perspective??