Nero-divergent teenage grandson being bullied

My son also told the head that he had told my DGS not to get involved with fighting anyone. They had stuck to this for several months. My son then told the head that unless he stopped the bullying he was going to let my DGS (big and strong) retaliate in the only way that would stop the bullying i,e, by thumping them. He also told the head that if that happened he would hold the head personally responsible and would not expect my DGS to be punished in any way.

MaggieT7 it is very important that the bullying done to your DGS is not treated as isolated incidents that may not be deemed to be that serious if viewed in isolation. The same thing happened to my DGS and it took my son writing down each incident every day and eventually taking it to the school head who said he had no idea that all this was happening to one child. He thought each incident was a separate issue.

MaggieT7

Really? With everything I have written you feel the need to correct my spelling/grammar!

Thank you for all the helpful comments I do appreciate the support.

I'm not sure it was correcting Maggie I think the question because someone genuinely wondered what a Rack Sack was??

MerylStreep

VioletSky
The children at my granddaughters school have a saying for pupils who name those who are making trouble: ^if you snitch, you get stitched^

But that is not a reason to not doing anything though.

Aveline

I'm what's a 'rack shack'?

Ruck Sack I think!

MaggieT7

It is both physical & emotional and my daughter and son-in-law are going to school again on Monday. He is called all sorts of names because he is academically clever but lacks some social skills, they take his school equipment, bump into him on purpose, cut in the lunch line and I think at one point up ended his lunch tray. What the school seems to be doing is monitoring the perpetrators and registering the incidents but not registering how many times it is happening to my GS. It has got to the stage now that my daughter will start reporting it as an assault to the police. They are taking some of it seriously for example when his PE shorts were pulled down the class was informed it was sexual assault but they don't seem to be consistent in dealing with it. My daughter witnessed on Monday a group of 6 boys surrounding my GS and his friend and one went down his rack shack and took his phone. My daughter called out and the phone was returned. She went into the office to report it and it was investigated and put down to high jinx and not they are not seeing the pattern, hence her visit on Monday she is not happy with how they are handling it. Sometimes it affects him and for others, it doesn't. It kills me. The reason he went to the school in the first place was due to its pastoral care!

That sounds awful, and I'm not surprised you are upset. I would be livid.

Is a change of school a good idea? There is time before September to organize this.

Otherwise it needs to be escalated at school. Tell your daughter to ask the school about their bullying policy.

Record all incidents that occur, with dates, times and names. If there is no resolution from the school she should make a formal complaint to the governors.

Caleo

Try asking the head teacher if one of the more sensible pupils in his class could mentor him in playground , corridors, dining hall?

There is a teacher's assistant for supervising the safety of vulnerable children? If not why not?

I know loads of teaching assistants who have been made redundant. Some schools have hardly any now.

A friend had dyslexic children, when they moved to a new area she approached the local educational authority about their special needs, the LEA, suggested that there should be no rush to get them into school and then spent three weeks assessing them, talking to schools and letting parents and children visit schools, until they found the right fit. Both children then went on to do really well because the school supported and helped them at every level.

It can be done. If it were my child, I would withdraw the child from school until a suitable school was found that would support and protect this child.

i agree with Glorianny. well said.

Try asking the head teacher if one of the more sensible pupils in his class could mentor him in playground , corridors, dining hall?

There is a teacher's assistant for supervising the safety of vulnerable children? If not why not?

Sadly a new school is not always the answer. My DGS was off school for a long time. At first his parents were chased for his non attendance but they kept on pushing back saying unless you look after him properly he’s not coming back. In the end the school brought in CAHMS to assess the situation and try and force my DGS back into school. CAHMS advice, after talking to my DGS was to say in their opinion it was unwise to force my DGS to go to school. They believed he was seriously affected by his school life and forcing him may create a situation where he took a drastic course of action.

MaggieT7. So very sad to hear of this bullying of your grandson, it is heart-breaking. I think the advice from VioletSky and Teacheranne is very sound. I would certainly not suggest moving him to a different school at this stage, without escalating to the authorities, including the police, the dreadful treatment he has endured. I do hope the matter is satisfactorily resolved, without further suffering to your grandson. Please keep us updated. ?

I didn't mean every child has one simply that late developing in ND children is recognised and acknowledged. So that even if the child doesn't have recognised qualifications at the same age as others they can develop skills and pursue education through other means when they are older.
I know how hard it is to have a child properly assessed and their difficulties recognised and even when they are given a proper diagnosis there will still be members of staff who think they can sort the whole thing out, and the child just needs to apply themselves.
It is such a pity that there isn't real provision in the school system now.

Sorry, I pushed enter before I'd finished editing.

Neurodivergent children have EHCs until 25 because their progress sometimes isn't at the same speed as others.

Sorry, but some ND children have EHC's. Many, many parents are reporting that their ASD children do not have them because the schools are not supporting them in this and it is much harder to get one for a child who is not in school. I spend many hours sign posting parents for help in this matter because they don't need the school to apply for one. Unfortunately, no matter what the law says, councils will rely heavily on a teacher's assessment. My Grandaughter was denied one because the school refused to "believe" she was ASD despite having a CAHM's diagnosis. Rather than keep fighting, my DIL removed her daughter from the School system.

Well actually it doesn't it simply needs understanding and a willingness to look at every available option.

Yes, but not everyone has the capability to do that and often being ASD runs in families...being ASD often means not being able to do that. I am not saying that Homeschooling is a terrible idea, I just think it has to be well thought through before making such a decision. It is not a catch-all solution.

^My DS refused to attend school when his life was threatened (on the school journey). Nothing was in place. I was working full time. He eventually developed interests which took him on to FE but none of it was planned. It was simply his own efforts his interests and my willingness to give him space that enabled him to access higher education and realise his own abilities. It's also never too late. Neurodivergent children have EHCs until 25 because their progress sometimes isn't at the same speed as others.

icanhandthemback

*Glorianny*, I wasn't just talking about academic skills, I was talking about the emotional wherewithal, the living environment and a host of other things that you need to provide as a safe haven 24/7 for the whole of a childhood. We have one autistic grandaughter who is home schooled and it works well. We have also had one grandaughter who was a failed home schooler despite having a mother who was entirely able to educate but totally unsuited to home schooling. It has to be a well thought out considered decision but is too often bandied about as being "the" solution.

Well actually it doesn't it simply needs understanding and a willingness to look at every available option. My DS refused to attend school when his life was threatened (on the school journey). Nothing was in place. I was working full time. He eventually developed interests which took him on to FE but none of it was planned. It was simply his own efforts his interests and my willingness to give him space that enabled him to access higher education and realise his own abilities. It's also never too late. Neurodivergent children have EHCs until 25 because their progress sometimes isn't at the same speed as others.

Glorianny, I wasn't just talking about academic skills, I was talking about the emotional wherewithal, the living environment and a host of other things that you need to provide as a safe haven 24/7 for the whole of a childhood. We have one autistic grandaughter who is home schooled and it works well. We have also had one grandaughter who was a failed home schooler despite having a mother who was entirely able to educate but totally unsuited to home schooling. It has to be a well thought out considered decision but is too often bandied about as being "the" solution.

Glorianny

Sadly I think you will fight a losing battle against the bullying. Schools will make all the right noises, say they are tackling it, have all their policies in place and it will continue to happen. You could look at other schools if there are any nearby and see what they are like. The other alternative is home schooling.
As for what you can do. Simply keep assuring him his difference is a strength. Praise his achievements. Find role models who are like him. More and more neurodivergent people are coming out and admitting they have struggled make sure he knows about them. And tell him school isn't like the wider world that there are places where he will be appreciated and understood.If you google neurodiversity there is lots of on-line information and help.

I'd sadly agree with this comment....recently a relative of mine has had a dreadful time over the bullying of her daughter at school.
Despite continual verbal and physical attacks, horrendous comments and threats over social media, windows smashed at their home etc the school did absolutely nothing.
Even Police did very little except "talking" to the families of the main culprits involved.

When her daughter actually snapped after 18 months of hell - the school excluded her!

She now in another school and much happier but it's been a long road with no support whatsoever.

icanhandthemback

Skydancer

Change schools or consider home schooling. The little boy needs to be happy.

Home schooling is not an option for parents without the skills to educate properly. It is not an easy option for the parents who often have additional problems when dealing with an ASD child. I find it quite incredible that Home Schooling is continually put forward as an option to resolve all problems. It just brings another host of problems to overcome.

As someone whose DS came out of school at 14 because of bullying and who is severely dyslexic I strongly oppose the idea that home schooling has to be done by anyone with "skills". It is possible to be out of school, to spend time recovering from the damage done by successive well meaning, but useless, SENCOs, and eventually to find a route into further education through your own interests. And sometimes for neurodivergent children who have really struggled that respite is desperately needed. And I am a professional with over 30 years working in many different schools. I am however wise enough to know that schools are not necessarily places where all children are happy or able to reach their full potential. Sometimes home schooling is just best whatever level it is conducted at. And further education offers opportunities for older children and a different ethos to a school.

Skydancer

Change schools or consider home schooling. The little boy needs to be happy.

Home schooling is not an option for parents without the skills to educate properly. It is not an easy option for the parents who often have additional problems when dealing with an ASD child. I find it quite incredible that Home Schooling is continually put forward as an option to resolve all problems. It just brings another host of problems to overcome.

Change schools or consider home schooling. The little boy needs to be happy.

See what transpires from the meeting on Monday between the parents and presumably the Senco, Head of Year/personal tutor(?). The parents need to prepare a written list of incidents, dates and times and ask what action is being taken against the perpetrators. They need to know what strategies are available to support their son, and also ask to meet the Governor with responsibility for Special needs.

They should arrange a meeting near the beginning of next term to see what action plan has been prepared. Save threats of the Police and Ofsted for next term. Also ask for support for the boy to access strategies for managing social interaction.
All that being said, I do feel sympathy for schools battling bullying, as they are hamstrung by being allowed fewer and fewer sanctions for dealing with out of control feral children. The time taken dealing with these children impinges increasingly on teaching time of senior staff, thus depriving other pupils of their education and just try getting a child suspended, yet alone expelled. Incidentally, there are no conductors on school buses, only drivers.

I agree with LizzieDrip.
And if that doesn`t work,tell the school you are going to the press.

As a retired secondary teacher and head of year (known as a head of house in a larger school) I endorse the advice given by TeacherAnne and GrannySomerset. The SENCO and her department where I last worked were excellent in their understanding of and provision for children like your DGS, exactly as TeacherAnne outlines. The head of year/house and safeguarding officer should also be working hard to resolve the issue. If you feel they are not, adopt Sago’s approach with gusto.
Beyond them are headteacher, governors, LA and OFSTED if necessary.
I hope that in Year 8 you have a DGS who is happy, carefree and confident.

Just one warning and sorry if this seems really disheartening but I think it is valuable. If the bully is dealt with by the school there is always the chance that the bullying will then take place off school premises on the journey to and from school. This happened to my DS. You will need to make sure your GS is accompanied on his journeys.