estranged grandchild's upcoming birthday - what do you do?

Hello FGC52 as has already been suggested, it might be better to start a new thread as you'll probably get more replies.

FWIW I think you'd be better off starting a savings account for your GC and maybe a memory box, where you can put those cards for birthdays and Christmas so that one day your GC will know they had a grandfather who although they never met, thought about them.

This post was started 7 years ago and someone resurrected it, I do wonder why as you would have to look far back to find it. As Whiff has said maybe start another one. I would like to hear if Nina and original poster reunited, I was one on there and I didn't.

FGC52 this thread started in 2017 might be better if you started a new thread.
But to answer your question since my son sent his birthday and second sons cards back along with my new grandsons birth presents crushed all unopened with a hand written letter stating he didn't want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near him or his family ever again. Zero contact. August 2020 never sent anything again. But wish him and my 3 grandson's happy birthday etc to the air. He estranged me via email in May 2020 4 days after he was here for my birthday had a wonderful time with him but Covid rules in place. No idea what was to come . But I have never been vindictive or manipulative in my life. Will never know why I became disposable along with our side of the family. My husband his dad died in 2004.

I have no advice to offer FGC52 but it might be an idea to start a new thread. This one is 7 years old and long which can often deter people from reading when they see the initial date and think the ‘problem’ originally posted has been commented on and possibly dealt with.

I am a new grandfather and my daughter and I have an extremely poor relationship. We live within 5 miles of each other and haven't really talked for 20 years or so. She has a daughter who is about 8 months old. Easter is in two days...do I get the kid a gift? Do I not get a gift? I vacillate between "to hell with it" and trying one more time. I like the savings account idea. I feel I'll never get to know the child but at least I can tuck some money away for her. Maybe I'll do that.

I sent a facebook birthday card as we didnt have his address, which he ignored. We had a card, money and a birthday cake here and a special meal ready in case he came round- at this point wed only been estranged for a few weeks so I didn't think it was permanent.
( he didn't come, so we ate it) It was a nice way of honoring his birthday and my other kid enjoyed the food.

So sorry that so many of us are in the same boat! My GS has just had his 2nd birthday and isn't in this country so I did nothing. I know that even if I sent something, he may not be given it and he isn't old enough to rememer me/us.
We haven't seen him since March- I've thought about him every day and wondered how to cope. At best I would have been a part time granny because he would have had to have spent half of the year abroad, but having no contact is awful.

I never imagined my DS would do this. But he has. I am here looking for ways to cope, too. I like the idea of a memory box....hadn't considered that before! Maybe one day when he's grown up, he might come looking for us? It would be nice to show him we care in that way.

That's wonderful, ReadyMeals! And I agree w/ Smileless, the other GPs are very kind - and brave, IMO.

"They just tell her to sort out her own relationships and leave theirs alone. "

TG, she accepts that. Some young parents wouldn't, even if it were from their own parents, and the contact w/ those GPs would be curtailed if not CO completely. I have a good relationship w/ my DD, and she has a reasonably good relationship w/ her PILs. But during those times when there were issues, I know it would have backfired on me if I tried to intercede on behalf of the other GPs. You and these other GPs are very lucky.

If only more could be like your GC's other GP's.

They just laugh it off and don't take any notice of her. Their social media friends list has all sorts of people she stopped talking to ages ago. They just tell her to sort out her own relationships and leave theirs alone. Goodness knows what the children are going to grow up believing about everyone but for now they're kids and they don't deserve to do without just cos their parents are engaged in all sorts of feuds.

That's great ReadyMeals and good of the other GP's to possibly risk putting themselves in the line of fire.

Fortunately I can get gifts to my grandchildren via their other grandparents, who have no time for pettiness.

Meant to say also, craftyone, I'm sure DD2 will reach out, in time, when she's ready.

Ok, craftyone, I see what you mean. If you don't mind, I think it's also possible that she can't be around anyone who reminds her of her dad right now. That happened w/ a niece of mine when her dad died. I don't think it's all that common, I had never before know anybody who reacted that way. But everyone deals with death in different ways, as I'm sure you know, and that was part of her way, just to insulate herself from people who reminded her of him.

Anyhow, I'm glad you're "no longer going to beat (yourself) up about" this situation. Better, I think, to move on and just enjoy the AC and GC who are there for you.

starlady, she was very much worse after her dad died and I think she is subconsciously protecting herself from having feelings in case I die, maybe she is doing this to stop herself from getting too close to anyone

Anyway, I need to look after myself so after having watched the very good videos, I am keeping my distance as it is obviously what she wants and I am no longer going to beat myself up about it.

"It could be that cutting herself off is some sort of self-preservation from potential emotional trauma."

Craftyone, I'm so sorry about your DD2's behavior. But I'm not sure I understand this sentence. What "potential emotional drama" would be be protecting herself from?

Namsnanny, I don't even know what to say. It must be awful to live in such fear. I'm glad you're reaching out here, but perhaps you should seek therapy, as well, to help you cope?

Agnurse, I agree w/ you about patterns. But, sometimes, I think it's the relationship or the combination of people. I know you love your parents, but there may be things about them that bother that one sister and BIL that just don't bother the rest of you. It could be that the personalities involved just don't mesh.

Nina hasn't been here for a long time, but still the stories of estrangement come in. It is so heartbreaking!

I can't help but notice that a lot of the estrangements are from daughters. So, clearly, the old idea that relationships w/ DDs are easier than those w/ DILs is not so true. I have a DD, not estranged, fortunately, but I'm very conscious of the fact that we mothers of DDs are not immune to estrangement. Very scary.

I also notice that some posters here cut themselves off from their AC and GC., usually to protect themselves from hurt. Then I wonder, if some AC don't do that for the very same reason? NOT saying that's true of any of the cases here, just that I think pain can come from either direction.

It's hard for me to understand why some AC would CO their parents for the single, small or whimsical reasons some have described. I would think that if the overall relationship was good, they would get over the one incident after a while. I mean, maybe they wouldn't talk to mum/dad for a week or two, but I would think the overall love would come through after a while and they would make up. Even if they are "spoiled," I would think they would miss the estranged parents at some point. When I read about some AC cutting parents off over a single incident for 10 years or whatever... well... I just don't get it. I had my issues w/ DM, but I can't imagine even going totally NC and for so many years! These stories are sad, but they are also mindboggling!

oh my goodness, I just googled `go no contact` and I see narcissism in my dd.

I realise this thread is a couple of years old, but I too have become a member of the ‘ cannot see a grandchild club’
He’s now 9 weeks old. I’m getting used to it I think. The mother bashing has gone on for several years now. I’m thankful that my grandson has 3 other. Grandparents that see him all the time and that will be a positive in his life. But I’m also sorry for me.

I need to join this thread. I have always been a very kind and caring mum and gm. 3 AC and 3 grandchildren. 2 to one dd and 1 to the other dd. Son and the dd with 2 children are extremely kind and close to me and each other. DD2 has cut herself off from all of us eg she was invited to partake in my surprise 70th party, she didn`t come. She barely sends any of us a card, if she does then it is days late

She has surrounded herself and her dd with horses, they take all her time and her husband also suffers from the lack of time with her. When 2 1/2 she developed the most awful tantrums and became very difficult to handle but we got through. Little by little she has cut herself off from all of us, wrapped in her own world. She took centre stage when we saw her, son thinks she is narcissist, I think on the autism spectrum. If I see her, maybe twice a year, she is lovey dovey

They moved and the only reason I have their new address is because she wanted some of my furniture because I was moving at the same time. She has not given me any telephone number, on the rare occasion she rang it was number witheld

Me and the other 2 AC have decided to stop being upset and to get on with life without her but easier said than done. They still have horses and do endless competitions. DGD loves me, I know but she is 11 and old enough to contact me and doesn`t.

Last contact was from this dd, 2 weeks ago `did you get my e mails`, I have decided no longer to be the chatty person with her, it was all one-sided. I sent her my 2 phone numbers and asked for hers. Silence. No e mails from her of course. So with a heavy heart I am opting out too, no acknowledgement of the card and present I sent to dgc at the new address for her birthday. I don`t understand why, it is her choice not mine and my heart is broken, she got much worse after my husband died. It could be that cutting herself off is some sort of self-preservation from potential emotional trauma

I will not be `played like a fiddle` any more

Namsnanny I totally understand your feelings of being "so frightened I could be accused of anything at all that (your) left feeling insecure and confused".

Mr. S. and I felt exactly the same. Before the final cut off came when our eldest GC was just 11 months old, we'd already decided that we didn't want to ever have him unless there was someone else with us. Such was the extent of our paranoia.

Once we'd got to that point and the final cut off came, I had virtually no contact with our ES and we have had none whatsoever for 2.5 years. We even moved so that we wouldn't see him in passing.

notquiteagranyet

I tend to focus on patterns, as well. If one person doesn't like you, well, that could be their problem. If two or more people can't stand you - it's more likely that you're the problem.

This is why I don't think the estrangement between my sister and BIL and my parents is justified. We are 6 kids. The other 5 of us, and our partners, get on great with my parents. It's only my sister and BIL who have a problem with them.

Nina1959, I've now read the full thread...
Let me tell you a similar story, from the other side.
I had a mother who spent my formative years and beyond telling me about how her her mother had rejected her... and then her brother and sister and later various close friends and she couldn't understand it.... actually, I even thought you might be her...
I'm the eldest of 3 children, youngest brother is the 'golden child', middle sister is the one she was afraid of losing and then there's me, boring and dependable who will take all the abuse she dishes out until I finally had enough.
Growing up I was continually belittled and told I wasn't as clever or good at anything as my younger siblings. But if anything happened as I got older I was the shoulder she cried on. Everything I did was questioned and basically told it wasn't good enough. As I head into my 30s, she then picks screaming rows over nothing or things she knows very little about. Child is born and she does the doting gran thing and I'm happy about that, despite her always telling me how much better the older grandchildren are and how much more she empathises with them etc as they have known rejection too. She is very emotionally controlling and everything is about her, even my serious illness. She decided one day that the great thing to do would be to sit me down and tell me everything that was wrong with my life, including my husband... despite not having all the information, and even if she did, it's none of her business.
Now she wonders why I don't bother calling her... not that she calls me either, she complains via my father that I don't call much.
As I've got older, I see the pattern of 'rejection'; people haven't rejected her as such but her behaviour towards them has in most cases got to a point where people have had enough. In each case it was following a row of some sort, where she felt she needed to give people her opinion on something deeply personal and absolutely none of her business....
But she can't see that and feels sad and rejected and can't understand that people don't want to deal with this kind of behaviour. Not only that, she thinks she's done nothing wrong and is the injured party in each case...

I would be curious to understand why your daughter is doing this... never something done lightly, so she must have a reason...

Luckylegs9......If you have read most of Ninas posts now, do you feel you can explain your comments about 'battles' and 'playing games' and 'you cannot let her be'?
Probably me, but I don't think I quite understand what you mean!

Joyfulnanna…….When you described messages to friends saying you attempted abduction of gc, I nearly jumped off my seat, as a very similar situation happened to me.
I've never mentioned it to anyone because I was so afraid that someone would believe it!! But when the rumour got back to me I was floored. How could anyone let alone my AC think that I could put them through that or behave in such a lunatic way???
I've been so frightened I could be accused of anything at all that I'm left feeling insecure and confused.
I don't trust people who have a little contact, who might triangulate (pass on gossip) or gaslight (try to convince me I'm loosing it) and there are a few surrounding me, so I've retreated as much as I can from the world.