The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

Sorry and Fathers x

A sad but very interesting post jake. I was wondering if your decision to block your AC from all forms of contact was because of the abuse you were receiving. If that's the case I think it's perfectly understandable that you took that decision.

The problem with 'leaving the door open' is that it isn't just a way in for AC to reconnect but is also a way in for their continual abuse.

Yogagirl, strange that you should have made that your last post. I looked across at Mr. S. last night and he was crying. I thought it was because he has a lot on his mind at the moment but when I asked him what was wrong, he said he'd found and down loaded a photo of our youngest GC on line.

He said he didn't know why he'd done so but wished now that he hadn't as it had upset him more than he thought it would. I haven't seen it and told him I don't want too and that's why.

So sorry your DH was upset at the pics. you can share them Smileless . As you know, from time to time I see some pics of mine, I cannot not look, but I definitely put a lock on my heart when I do, no smile on my face, no shine in my eyes! I have moved on a lot since this first happened, but even now 5yrs+ I feel like I am living with a constant lump in my heart and that reservoir of tears, if allowed to burst, would surely flood London

Smileless, how sad, now your husband has seen your gc face it is all the harder I think, best you didn't look. ?
Yogagirl, know exactly about that lump in your throat and chest.mi used to think this is what a broken heart feels like.

Jake, I am so sorry things have got so bad with your two children, it always hurts however long it is, but on this thread we are nearly all in your position and we do understand.

"I only looked at Mumsnet once and was horrified at the way a lot of young mothers spoke of parents they had
disregarded for perceived injustices, the most trivial comment taken out of context,"

I look at Mumsnet quite often, nowadays, and to be fair, I have often seen posts from people whose parents or in-laws seem to be astonishingly unreasonable in all sorts of ways.
Yet the posters have been struggling on, trying to maintain a relationship with them.

Iv seen both. Also, sometimes the "trivial comment" is a "last straw" kind of thing in a relationship that has been fraught with tension for a long time. I don't always agree with what I read on mn. However, it helps me see what my dd's pov might be on some issues, which is good for my relationship with her.

Jake, Iv been thinking about you some more. Is it possible you've become the kind of family "scapegoat" that Nina talks about? Your parents mistreated you and now, apparently, your ac are doing the same. It's sad when it filters down to one's ac, but maybe that's what happened?

Then again, could it be that your ac thought you were "too good" to your parents after how they treated you? Maybe they decided they're not doing the same and went too far in the other direction, pushing you away for much lesser grievances?

Idk, of course, but either of those scenarios seem possible to me. And they both seem more likely than the idea that it can all be blamed on videogames.

Either way, I realize that Smileless may be right, and this time, you may be protecting yourself. Can't blame you for that. You've been hurt enough.

I came across this thread by accident but sadly see some stuff I recognise. My Dil has been going no contact with me as best she can since we first met (12 years ago?) and I have never understood it. She is a millennial (11 years younger than my son) and I have racked my brain trying to understand where she is coming from. I have never been allowed to be with my only 2 grandchildren (6 and 3) by myself. She allows one visit a year at Christmas at my daughters which the whole family feels such pressure. My son contacts me behind her back, as it were. I used to politely constantly refer to her, now I have stopped. I remember sending her a box of chocolates once when she was going through a lot and she asked me why I did that. I sent her £50 on her 30th and she said she would put it aside, no thanks, and she never buys me presents. I have tried to deal with it by thinking she is high functioning Aspergers. But basically she just seems to hate me and mistrust me and there is nothing I can do about it.
It is quite heartbreaking and though I fully understand Jake’s response I don’t feel it is the best ....which I still don’t know!
I must admit she will inherit a lot in my will and I’m not happy about it but she is married to my son.
I suppose I just have to take very deep breath ignore as much as I can stop trying to appease her, that seems to annoy her more and hope and pray that she will grow up and that things will change for the better. I have stopped following her on Facebook though. If she was simply a bad person perhaps I could understand it but she is very sentimental over lots of things and works for homeless charity etc.
she is s daddies girl and doesn’t seem so close to her mother who seems fine to me....she is an only child. She is passionately possessive of my son. She is overprotective of her two daughters. They are quite shy and fearful.
I’d love some support or just fellow understanding with you all facing this problem. It is absolutely heartless and ridiculous and probably fueled by mumsnet who should be more responsible.

So sorry to read your post Rocknroll. It seems that you've done all the you can as far as your d.i.l. is concerned.

She certainly appears to have issues doesn't she, if your DS contacts you behind her back. Being estranged from our S and only GC for more than 5 years it's good to know that at least you still have contact with your son.

I think you're right about not appeasing her anymore, not just because it seems to annoy her even more but for your own self worth.

Just seeing your GC once a year. I suppose what with my own experience and knowing of so many others I shouldn't be shocked at that, but the ability of some AC to never fail to disappoint, never ceases to amaze me.

Rocknroll You say that your DiL doesn't have an easy relationship with her own mother. It may be that she responds emotionally to you in the same way, because of that.
You don't say how far away from your DS & DiL you live, or whether you see your GCs other than at Christmas.
But your GCs have two parents. If you find it hard to communicate with your DiL, could you not suggest to your DS that you visit them or he brings the GCs to you?

Rocknroll, my heart goes out to you! While I'm not facing the same situation, it's easy to see how hurtful this is.

It sounds as if dil was determined to push you/her ils away from the beginning. Unless you were against the marriage for any reason, I don't see why she would be that way, except if it were just part of who she is. Maybe the fact that she's not close to her own mum has something to do with it.

Like Smileless, I'm glad ds reaches out to you. In a way, I'm glad you see your gc, too, although it's just once a year. Some gps here would give their eyeteeth for that. But I understand it's nowhere near enough for you. It's what some call elc (extremely low contact), and I realize it can hurt very much in its own way.

I'm wondering if that's a realistic option janeainsworth as Rocknroll has said her son contacts her behind his wife's back so is his wife likely to agree to him taking their C to see their GM, his mother.

Why oh why don't these men stand up for themselves, their children and their parents.

The majority of men go along with their wife for a quiet life most of the time. They don't even realise they are being controlled. I fear for myself being distanced from my own son, who has been my rock, my beloved dil has reconnected with her 4 sisters who all have children and they have close contact, they never had fallen out, just all busy. I have never had a cross word with her or interfered, but can't even get to peak on the phone with her anymore. If I were yto say anything to my son who is in constant touch with me, his hackles would rise and he would say I was imagining it, she
is just busy, much as he loves me she comes first and I feel that she is distancing herself which in turn will mean my son will do to, his visits last year went down to a couple on his own. After everything I went through with my d I just accept it because nothing I did or said with her made the slightest difference.

Yoga girl, I have sent you a pm with some information, which I hope will be of help to you.x

Rock&Roll I, like Smileless haven't seen my D&GC for 5yrs+ now, you should join us on 'our' page of 'support for estrangement'

Thanks luckylegs xx

Luckylegs no pm & a while back you said you had sent me your phone number, didn't receive either , so if you're getting calls & pms from a mystery man , you now know why

rocknroll

You are certainly not alone with having a ‘wierd’ DIL

I have known my sons partner for almost nine years and at first she was full on friendly. I was her new best friend. That all changed when my DGC was a few months old. DH and I were accused of the most outrageous, heinous ‘crimes’ before she cut herself off from us. Only recently has she made tentative contact again but I feel that has more to do with her perhaps wanting marriage to my son. She still remains emotionally distant and has never apologised for the hurt and angst she caused us. I am fortunate in that my son brings my grandson (he.s four) to see us. To be honest I don’t know that she would have tried to stop him totally, but I’m pretty sure she would have preferred much more limited contact.

As you say that you talk to your son, would it be possible to persuade him to bring your grandchildren for a short visit now and again, although from your post it seems she is ultra possessive with them all. It’s a shame that she is probably so insecure and ‘afraid’ that she doesn’t realise that you, as grandparents, can add another dimension to the grandchildren’s lives.

High functioning Aspergers is a possibility but, as she shows emotion etc, it seems unlikely. But I don’t really know!!

I’m sorry I have no answers for you. We are still looking for them. Dealing with my sons partner is like trying to heat up a cold house which has all the doors and windows open. No matter how much heat you put in, the house is always cold.

Yoga girl, the first time was 30 October, the second tonight, you responded to the first one. I looked in my sent messages and they are there, including one from tonight, so I do not understand.

thank you all for the support above...and it doesn't matter you might not have answers - just the support is good. As for son coming over alone (live just over a rather horrendous motorway drive of an hour which has cut my visits out as I hate driving alone on it and the last time I went after days of planning they weren't in when I arrived - and she told me off for not telling them I was coming - I had of course told my son he had neglected to tell her. As one of you said - men will do almost anything for a quiet life. And that is it really, weirdly enough the same thing happened to my mother with her son and DIL...more like your experience fairydoll - all over her at first and then after marriage the big chill. It caused her so much grief she was such a friendly generous lovely woman but her DIL knew just how far she could go - so son still contacted and limited visits were made...I do get to see them round about my birthday as well as xmas. I wish it could just be my son with them - she always arrives looking furious. Will never go for a walk - wears little gold slippers...so the girls too have no experience of outdoor walking the woods etc - I live in Yorkshire. They live in Manchester. I always looked forward to having another daughter when my son married, as I really like girls and women...but no. So thanks for the hugs and flowers. There are no 'reasons' we have never fallen out ...but never any warmth or reciprocation. Thanks again smileless and luckylegs and fairydoll and yogagirl XXXX

It seems it's not totally unusual for ds to keep in touch with his mum while dil keeps her distance. Iv heard it here before and Iv read about it on Mumsnet (if I dare mention that site again). Seems it is sort of a deal some couples have. Either dil takes the attitude that ds/dh can see/talk to his parents as long as he leaves her out of it or that she will have as little contact with them as possible but he can have more than that (but sometimes not much more). So it may not be that he calls 'behind her back" but just that he's agreed to leave her out of the phone calls/only call when she's not around. Maybe. Maybe not.

Sometimes the "deal" includes his being able to bring the gc to his parents on his own and sometimes it doesn't.

I know it's not great to be snubbed by dil or to only see the gc a very limited amount. But again, I imagine some gps would be happy just to see their ds (or dd as the case may be) or to get to see their gc now & then, even if only rarely.

Speaking of which, Rock, I'm glad to see that you actually get to see those gc twice a year, rather than just once. I understand that it still must not feel like "enough." And I'm sorry dil seems so unhappy about it. But I hope you can, somehow, just ignore her and enjoy ds and your gc.

Btw, LL, I think you're very wise not to say anything to ds. If they have one of those "deals," it might just rattle him. Besides, if she was "too busy" for her own sisters for so long, sorry to say, I don't see her trying to make time for an il.

Personally, I always managed to find time to talk to my mil, even if just for a few minutes, now and then, even though we had our "issues." But not everybody is willing, I suppose.

Luckylegs maybe another yogagirl

Rocknroll how very sad, to walk in the woods with your GC would be so lovely. I know you don't feel lucky seeing your GC&S only twice per year, but I so wish that was me, I miss them so, so much

Luckylegs Success with the pm today, it must have just got lost in the ether and thanks very much, your pm awaits you. xx

Your mum's situation is a mirror image of mine Rocknroll. My ES's wife used to tell me she loved me, I loved her too. We'd always have a hug and a kiss, she'd even say she wished I was her mum! It all changed when she became pregnant.

Now she can't stand the thought of us and hates to even hear our names mentioned.

I think I must come from another planet. I just don't understand the attitude of any s.i.l. or d.i.l. who doesn't want any involvement with their partners family.

When you get married you become a part of your partners family. You meet, fall in love, marry and have children and the people who raised and are at least in part, responsible for them being the adult they've become, you want nothing to do with. I just don't get it.

thanks Starlady I think you have hit the nail on the head and I am not surprised it is some kind of phenomena..with me if son rings me she constantly interrupts with my mum she always knew DIL was out when he rang because she would hear something in the background - her coming in andhe would qickly end the conversation. Ain't it weird. And Yes I am grateful for what I have got- I only have to nudge son and he will send me a little video of them saying hello to me...they are so sweet. And you learn to live with that . So I am sorry for any of you that have lost touch even more. big hugs all round