Support for all who are living with estrangement

Thanks smileless2012 always wise words. X

Sorry, every time your GC needs child care

You wont have done anything wrong Bopeep which is obvious from the fact that your d.i.l. lied about an incident that never happened.

That's what we got; I snubbed her; I ignored her; I put the 'phone down when she was still talking to me blah, blah, blah.

I'd just get your son a card rather than ignore his birthday all together with a smaller cash gift, and think about not being available every time your GC.

You must be desperately worried that history is going to repeat itself and you'll become estranged from your other son as well. I hope and pray that this isn't the case but as you'll know from your heart breaking experience with your other son, if it's going to happen it's because of them, not you, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I'm so sorry.

If you haven't done so already, read the article that Madgran provided a link too. Our d.i.l. is another Helen, and it sounds as if yours is too.

Good morning all, as many of you are aware I am estranged from my eldest son, his choice I think, or maybe his wife I may never know.
Now it is looking like his brother has done the same, he is the only sibling that my eldest kept in touch with.
I think the two daughter in laws got together and have been talking, I have always had good relationship with this dil for over 10 years.
I looked after my granddaughter from 8 months old until she went to school and then in the school holidays.
We didn’t see them over the Christmas, which was unusual.
We saw them on New Year’s Eve at a family party, his wife completely blanked me apart from asking if I remembered I was looking after granddaughter in a couple of days, but he seemed fine.
I looked after my granddaughter as asked, but apparently my dil told my son I was rude to her and wouldn’t let her in the house just kept her at the door which was a complete lie.
Since then he hasn’t spoken too us. I have tried to get in touch but he is completely ignoring me just like his brother.
We got cards on mother’s day and Father’s Day, and husband got a card on his birthday with money in he has never done this before it’s always been a gift.
It’s my sons birthday in a couple of weeks and we usually buy from him or give him money,I don’t know what to do, should I just send him a card and forgo a present or money or should I carry on as normal. Husband is furious and wants to ignore his birthday as he feel they have taken sides and don’t deserve anything more from us.
I just wish they would tell me what I have done wrong it’s so dam hurtful. ?

Very moving Madgran thank you for posting the link.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/how-i-ve-coped-with-a-20-year-feud-with-my-estranged-dad-tcdxwlfmk

Interesting article in the Sunday Times today - an estranged adult son who regrets his own and his father's actions in their estrangement. He takes responsibility for his part in the whole mess. Sad to read.

Jenty

I hear you, Jenty!

Starlady, the estrangement with my YD has been ongoing for nearly 10years, its always the same type of email she sends and in the past Ive responded but every time it always ends up with viterol from her. The times between emails varies from several months to years and always out the blue. I honestly cant do it anymore because I know the outcome!

Oh, meant to say, Bopeep, I'm sorry you haven't heard from DS in so long. He may be at a loss as to how to resolve this problem. m and that may be what's keeping him from contacting you. I hope you hear from him soon.

Glad you blocked DIL, Bopeep! That will make it harder for her to do anything more to upset you on FDay or any other day.

Like Smileless, I hope you don't mind my asking what happened on MDay?

If you don't mind my asking, what happened on Mothers Day?

It is hard, we've had no contact with our son for at least 2.5 years but that's a good thing as his emails were so full of bitterness and anger that it's better to hear nothing at all. They were few and far between but I still remember that horrible sick feeling just before we opened them.

We knew what was coming and TBH had given up any hope of any improvement but we read them anyway; then wished we hadn't.

We have now blocked her, i refuse to block my son i still live in hope that he will contact us.
Just for clarification she was twisting the knife i have no doubt about that, she would have been fully aware we would see she had deleted the messages because it says delete for all or just you.
She has to keep doing something to let us know she has won(for now).
I have no doubt she will do something on Sunday Fathers day just to spoil it, like she did on mothers day.
I know i shouldn't think like that but i still cant quite get my head round the fact that my son has not contacted us in any way about this it has all come from her. My last text from my son was 10 months ago to say he would get in touch to talk about a way to sort things out when he got back from a work conference. He never did.

Well that doesn't really follow agnurse in Bopeep's case bearing in mind that it would appear that her d.i.l. has been instrumental in her estrangement from her son does it.

There's really nothing more that Bopeep's d.i.l. can do to annoy her now she's estranged from her son is there.

Starlady

I agree. Choosing to delete messages isn't necessarily the same thing as "twisting the knife". She may not even be aware of the fact that it would end up being deleted at Bopeep's end as well.

I think this may fall under the category of "[w]itch eating crackers". This comes from a meme - "Look at that little [w]itch eating crackers like she owns the place." It's the idea that if you truly dislike someone, anything they do, no matter how innocuous, can be perceived as something that was intended to annoy you.

Bopeep, I'm so sorry! Maybe DIL just has a need to twist the knife, who knows? Ugh! Or perhaps someone advised her that it wasn't enough to block someone, that you needed to delete your messages, too. So she did that, never bothering to think - or care - that this would open the wounds that have already been inflicted.

Either way, I do hope you look into blocking her, so this can't happen again. How to block someone who has already blocked you? I have no idea. But I'm sure you can find out.

"SiL's behaviour towards me and it seems criticising her constantly and alienating her from friends too, is taking its toll,"

So you see, Ginny, it wasn't just about you, it's an overall problem.

"I cannot reveal too much of the detail, but she's decided she's coming to the UK for an extended stay and hope that he can get his head sorted. "

This might lead to a divorce or they might end up getting back together. No way to really know, is there? So I hope you know to tread softly and not say too much against SIL, as it could backfire on you if she returns to him. Just please enjoy the extended time w/ her and GS. A bittersweet situation, no doubt, but may end up for the best.

Thanks for the hugs, Dolcelatte! Good luck w/ the meeting!

Oh, Jenty, my heart goes out to you! I'm wondering, though, if YD actually asked you for money this time or just mentioned her debt, maybe hinting? If she just mentioned it, hinting or not, I would just reply sympathetically, but not offer any financial help, given the circumstances. If she asked outright for money, I would remind her of the conditions you set last time and say they still exist. She might have thought you'd have changed your mind by now. Or maybe this time, she's willing to do what you ask. If not, she might send a nasty reply again, but, IMO, that's just the anger talking.

Dayone, my heart goes out to you, too! It definitely sounds as if your DD has been taken over by some kind of religious group, whether it's Scientology or some other sect. If so, I think all you can do is be patient and hope she'll eventually see that she has been unfairly cut off from her parents.

I'm sorry about DIL's insensitive behavior, but I'm glad DH stood up for you! Sorry, too, about DH's illness. But all the more applause for his finding the strength to speak up on your behalf!

Right now, I think you need to focus on him and you. In fact, you might want to seek counseling to help you cope. And, of course, please keep reaching out here.

I think there might be hope for the future in there Ginny - I do hope so. x

It just makes it so much harder to try and not dwell on the pain when something else happens to stick the knife in doesn't it Bopeep - sorry I'm so rubbish with apps and stuff I've no idea about any of that. x

You can block someone who has blocked you, Mr. S. has done this but being a technophobe I've no idea how.

When we are at times accused of harassing our EAC by sending cards to them and/or our GC, I wonder how those accusers would view your d.i.l.'s behaviour.

Did Mr. B. answer? I think curiosity would have got the better of me I'm afraid.

Smileless2012 we didn't bother because they have blocked all the family, but i am not sure if you can block someone who has already blocked you, will have to look into that. Your right nothing else can ever come close to her taking our son away from his family.
crazyH yes you can delete any sent/ received messages on WhatsApp, she had already deleted all the message on our family group that she had sent luckily another family member had already screen shot them.

I didn't know you could do that - delete messages that have already been sent/received.

Can't you block her to prevent her from doing this again? Then if she is doing this to remind you of her power, you've at least taken that part of her power away.

Try not to worry about it Bopeep, she's been instrumental in taking away your son, nothing else she could ever do could ever come close.

Why can our DIL just not leave us alone. The other day we were sat watching tv and husbands phone started flashing DIL had deleted all WhatsApp messages from her number to his, she had to unblock him to do this,she has to keep sticking the knife in. Why? Does she get some sort of satisfaction from it. She has got what she wanted our son all too herself and her family. Its as if she has to keep reminding us of her power. I keep wondering what she will do next.

As you say Ginny "bitter and sweet for now".

It's always sad when a marriage breaks down, especially when there are children who'll be affected. That said it will be much better for your D and your GS to be removed from the situation.

It's a shame that her OH has mental health issues and is unable to accept the damage these are having on their relationship. Perhaps your D's extended stay here in the UK will help him to accept that he has problems he needs to address, and that medication alone cannot solve.