Support for all who are living with estrangement

Starlady..Dolcelatte...it is very painful but we keep trying and do our best to support one another through it all. It was a psychologist that advised us to keep the lines of communication open and to keep it ‘light’! Difficult. but as our family member hasn’t said NC .....as yet....we keep going.
A card now and then a wee happy text etc. Sometimes answered sometimes not. I do agree with both of your thoughts but after two years...nearly three .... at times I think that we are making headway. Outside influences of course play a big part in all these difficult situations and it’s extremely difficult to know what’s in the best interests of all but for reasons I can’t go into we take this advice and just keep going.It’s exhausting. It’s so comforting to know that we as a family are not the only ones but it’s so frustrating and you feel so helpless. I really want to shout from the rooftops how extremely unfair this all is bit I take great support from the reasonable and loving advice given on this thread. Thank you. Haven’t worked out how to do emojis yet or I’d be putting wee confused faces all over this reply.

"oh why can't she just get over it, drama queen" I wonder how he'd feel if you had got over it hugshelp. Would he be pleased for your sake that you were living a happy and fulfilled life or would he resent it, that you weren't grieving for the loss of him?

Thank you for your kindness.

'Between a rock and a hard place'; 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'. Two things that often spring to mind when hearing of an EP sending birthday cards, Christmas cards and the occasional text message or email (if they haven't been blocked) to their EAC.

I agree with you Starlady and Dolcelatte that this can give some EAC what they want. The knowledge that they have an element of control, of power over the parent(s) they refuse to acknowledge.

Is it in some cases a test? A test of our love for our children. Do we love them unconditionally? Surely if we do we'll suffer the 'slings and arrows' and no matter how many times they refuse to acknowledge our attempts of contact, we'll keep on trying.

We felt early on in our estrangement that this was what our ES wanted, even though on one occasion he told his father to f... off. Some of the emails we received from him accused us of not bothering, not caring and not really ever having loved him at all.

Even DS seemed, to a much lesser extent, to have the same view. He was genuinely shocked when he learned of our intention to move. He said if we stayed there, just down the road from our ES there was always a chance that something could happen to bring about a change, but if we moved that could never happen.

Of course we'll never know. The EP continuing to try and get a response from their EAC may well be viewed as having no respect for their decision, and no care for their feelings either.

On the other hand if they leave them alone because they've been told that's what they want, they fail the test of loving them unconditionally.

It was a lovely walk yesterday Starladythe fresh air blew away the sad cobwebs. That's one of the great things about being a dog owner. You have to take them out even when you don't really want too and fresh air is good for the soul.

That would be great wouldn't it Dolcelatte, to meet up give one another a real hug and not just the virtual ones we share that mean so much.

Oh I'm feeling really hopeful for you Dolce - it really sounds like it's all moving slowly in the right direction. Really hoping to see this being a lovely new start for your whole family. xx

Oh smileless I know just what you mean. I'm starting to have a few good days but often a reminder of our ES will suddenly come into my world and it's like being stabbed in the heart, it deflates me so fast. And I know what you mean about the pain, I really can't find the words to express how intense it is. Apparently our DD mentioned me being really sad to our ES once and his response was, 'oh why can't she just get over it, drama queen' I don't think I'm overly dramatic (not that he'd know though) , just honest with other loved ones sometimes that it is really painful.

I'm so glad you had a positive day afterwards. I'll hold onto that, you really do help me and act as an inspiration when I'm struggling. Thank you for all your kindness smileless and wishing you many more good days.

I know how you feel too Granniesunite. I totally respected our ES son's request for NC for the longest time. Then tried some gentle attempts at contact for a long time. All of which were ignored. I've backed off again now. Doesn't seem to make any difference either way in our case, so I've no idea what is best, but I feel for you. It's so hard.

Smileless, so pleased that you had a good day yesterday with Mr S and the dogs. I love my dogs, they are such a comfort, and they love me. It is an unconditional love, which I think is the purest kind of love, like the love we feel for our beloved children, whether they be near or far, physically or emotionally.

@Granniesunite. I agree with Starlady in that I am not convinced that it is the right strategy to keep chasing. It's horrible when you have to have anything but a spontaneous relationship with those you love but, sometimes, I think it is better to take a step back and reflect, rather than suffer the pain of repeated rejections. Whilst you keep contacting them, they have you just where they want you, they have the control over the relationship, and everything is on their terms. In short, they are taking you for granted and treating you with disrespect. You deserve better.

My advice, for what it is worth, is to build a new and exciting life for yourself - which you can - it doesn't mean that the pain will go away but, like other forms of grief, time will heal. Let them come to you and, when they do - note, I said when, not if - they will find a happy independent woman, who is not defined solely by her role as a mother. This is what I did and, ironically, it is my DD who now keeps chasing me, which I have mixed feelings about, but that's a whole other story.

Wishing a happy weekend to all my lovely friends on GN. Perhaps we should plan a real life get together sometime? X

Glad you and Mr.S had such a lovely walk w/ your dogs, Smileless! And that you're feeling happy!

Granniesunite, I take it that "keeping the lines of communication open" means sending a card or leaving a voicemail, etc., now and then. I can totally understand how much it must hurt to never get a reply. Perhaps it is too painful to keep trying? May I ask who advised you to do this?

Also, I'm wondering if the estranged relative said that they wanted "no contact?" If so, then, I'm sorry to say, the repeated efforts may be turning them off. They may see it as disrespecting their wishes. Maybe not, just a thought...

If they didn't say NC (no contact), then perhaps they do (secretly) appreciate hearing from you. But you still might want to stop, just for a while, and give them a chance to miss you (maybe). Perhaps then, they will reach out to you in time. I'm no therapist, and I'm not estranged, so perhaps I know not whereof I speak. Just throwing out ideas...

Regardless, I hope, in time, they soften and contact you, if not in a loving way, then at least, not in a cruel one. Hugs!

Just got back from our walk. Let them off their leads on the beach, it's lovely to see them run.

Thanks loveOc with Mr. S. by my side and all you lovely ladies, I can't stay sad for long.

Smileless hope you enjoyed your walk with your dogs! Been a lovely sunny day. I always think enjoying a walk on a lovely sunny day boosts your spirit no end. Lovely to read your positive post. Sad to read of your unhappy one yesterday. You are such a positive poster, always ready to give help and support. Don't stop doing that Smileless as you will be missed by so many people on this site!!

Thanks Dolcelatte.

Got off to a positive start by going to the gym this morning. It's such a lovely day I think we'll take our dogs for a walk in the woods this afternoon.

The old saying, what doesn't break us makes us stronger is true isn't it. I think yesterday was not one of my strong ones, haven't had one of those for a long time so it rather took me by surprise.

Thank you all for your kindness and support.

I hope today is better for you Smileless and suggest you and Mr S should do something special together.

You have my admiration Granniesunite we didn't cut off communication but haven't encouraged it either.

I did send ES a 'goodbye' email 3 years ago before we moved. I hoped it would bring us both some closure but his response was, well I wouldn't want to receive anything like that from him again.

The silence is deafening but at the same time golden if you know what I mean.

smileless2012. I’ve been reading and taking comfort from this thread for two years. Your thoughts have been invaluable to me over that period of time.The pain, hurt and sheer bewilderment from folks that are missing but still loving a family member is tangible. I have no answers. We,as a family have been advised to keep communication open to the estranged family member Whatever that takes.That is very hard when that very act is rejected time after time after time. Sleepless nights when you feel so very, very sad. So I understand your pain. You are such a comfort to so many nameless sad people that need to put right a wrong. But can’t. All we can do is keep on living a life and find a purpose to keep going on. With Gods help,one day our precious loved ones will stop and think.

Thank you Pantglass and Dolcelatte.

I just wish that he could see me the way you do Dolelatte and the way he used too.

Smileless, oh my dear, my heart goes out to you. You are such a lovely, loving, generous, giving soul. I know that the pain can be excruciating and we feel so helpless, that we can’t fix things, as we used to.

When I was in my darkest hours, I just had to keep telling myself about the good things in my life, the people who love me and rely on me. It’s so hard because you feel destroyed from the inside out and sometimes you don’t want to do anything but curl up into a ball and cry. I lost my self belief and identity for a while.

But you know, things change, nothing is forever. You gave birth to your DS which is an unbreakable bond. You give so much comfort and joy to your DH, your other DS, your lovely girls next door, and to so many of us on here.

It’s an oft quoted saying, but one which I believe- ‘All will be well in the end and, if it’s not well, it’s not the end’.

Take care of yourself and know that we are here for you as you have been here for us. X

I know exactly what you’re going through Smileless2012. That you have good days when you can cope and horrendous ones when the sheer enormity of what’s happening with no end in sight just makes you weep in despair.

I too cried alone as my DH seemed to get on with it whereas I railed against my impotence - as a mother, you feel you can fix anything to do with your children because of the love you have for them.

It’s such a hard thing to acknowledge that some things can’t be fixed. That’s not to say that there won’t come a time when a complete rebuild may be possible. Have your weeps whenever you need them, then chin up girl and live your good life until things get better still!

I know you're right Pantglass but it's been nearly 7 years, 7 years and although I'm OK most of the time and know how far Mr. S. and I have come it still hurts. Hurts like nothing else I've ever encountered.

I'm just glad that Mr. S. is at a bowling match and can't see me crying.

Turn it around Smileless2012 and treasure all the memories that no one can take from you, no matter what else they deprive you of.

There was an item on the news this morning about a football team who after more than 880 matches, had their first win.

It reminded me of our ES when he was 9, joining our village football team and for the first season losing every match. Half way through the second season they had their first win.

Their coach took them all to the pub for a celebration coke.

I just wish I could have these memories and enjoy them without crying because they remind me of what we once had and lost.

Thank you for the prayers ladies.

Thanks Smileless, what a lovely, positive, happy post

It's good to hear that your D has sent more photo's of your GD Dolcelatte that really is a positive move.

Now the ice has been broken so to speak, as time goes on I'm sure that you'll all be able to work together and come together as a family.

Hopefully as your other D's see a rebuiding of your relationship with their sister they'll see her desire to reconcile is genuine.

They will have been hurt on their own account and also for you and your DH and it will take time for them to get past their own fears and hurt.

You have so much more to look forward too than you knew. A beautiful GD, another GC on the way and your D back in your lives.

Thank you Dolcelatte and everyone for your kind words. I do feel that everyone’s experience of estrangement is different and if I share mine and how the reconciliation was achieved, then somebody else might learn something to help resolve their situation. Love to all x

@Granniesunite - Thinking of you and also hoping that your prayers will be answered soon.

Thank you Pantglass for your inspiring post and words of wisdom. I have really taken your words to heart. We do need to start again, to put the hurt to one side, and the need to reconcile is stronger than the need to be right, so hopefully there is a decent chance. It is hurt more than pride on my part, and I believe that love is a stronger force than pride. I accept entirely that I need to look at my own part in the estrangement and to respect DD as an adult and parent. Now that I am calming down, I do have enormous respect for her, as she appears to have taken to motherhood so well and DGD is clearly a very well cared for and contented baby - well toddler now, actually. However, the respect is tempered by deep hurt that I was not needed or that she chose not to share such momentous news with her family. But I realise that we cannot change the past and, rather than focusing on what I have missed, I need to focus on the future and to make up for lost time.

In the meantime, DD has sent further photos of DGD, so it seems to be moving in the right direction, fingers crossed.

Starlady, you also give very sound advice in saying that the sisters must make their peace in their own time. I can't now insist upon their kissing and making up as I did when they were children. This has been the biggest lesson for me, to learn to let go and respect the fact that they must lead their own lives, make their own mistakes, and not interfere or give advice unless asked.

Smileless, I am so pleased to hear of your relationship with the girls next door. They are very lucky to have such lovely neighbours.

Thank you ReadyMeals and everyone for your supportive comments.

Heartwarming to see a really hopeful post from you Dolcelatte and such a wonderful post from you pantglass

I have similar prayers Granniesunite and I'm with you and praying for you. x