Thank you Smileless and I am pleased, Namsnanny, if you have found my posts helpful in any way.
Feeling low again this morning and a bit weepy, which I know I shouldn't, when the general situation is improving. I just feel such a failure as a mother that my DD wouldn't tell me, let alone turn to me, when this momentous event was happening, and didn't want anyone from her family at her wedding.
I try to look for positives in all of this and one is that the rest of the family are much closer, especially DD2 and DD3. That I must learn and grow from this experience and act like the parent, not the child who wants to cry and stamp its feet and say 'It's not fair!' I also try to have a sense of perspective - I am just a tiny speck in a world where there is so much suffering. And, as the day wears on, the perspective will come back and I will be ok - the wave will crash over me and move on.
But now, as the day is young, I lick my wounds and want to lash out and tell her how much she has hurt me, hurt us all. And it is us all, but I have been self-obsessed, thinking that I am her mother, that I carried her and gave birth to her, so that the bond is different, more primeval, more visceral. And then I tell myself to get a grip!
Also, in my darkest moments, usually when I awake in the early hours, I am afraid - so afraid of being hurt again. But it is a risk that I cannot afford not to take. And I want to be there for DD if she needs me, but then again she doesn't need me, or doesn't seem to, she has gone through all of this without any support from her family. And for that I must be and am so proud of her, and I should be relieved, that my job as a parent is done, she has had the strength to fly the nest and be an independent woman. But wouldn't you still want your family in your life? Aren't children hard-wired to love their parents?
But she inevitably loves SIL more and SIL doesn't like any of us - I have a bitter enemy who is the person closest to DD - and I blame myself for making him an enemy. And he is not the sort of person to forgive, let alone forget any grievances. He is now prepared to tolerate us to a limited extent and DD has been allowed to share this news and have contact - because there is financial advantage. At least that's how I see it, although I would like to be wrong. A close friend and DD2 and DD3 have said to be careful, but what choice do I have? He is like a gaoler, I am pretty sure that when we eventually visit, he will be there the whole time, supervising us, like a warder at a prison visit. Perhaps he is insecure. There is something about him which makes me feel uncomfortable, but maybe it is just a lack of empathy or emotional intelligence. At university, in the student house where he met DD, he kept a notebook, where he would note down what time the other people in the house came and went, their general habits, and character observations, including about DD - not very flattering apparently, although she thinks it is all quite amusing now. But seriously, who does that? It's not normal behaviour is it? And even if he doesn't like us, wouldn't you think he would want DD to have a relationship with her family? Or maybe he wants her to be totally dependent on him? He certainly seems to want to cast himself in the role of protector - even against DD's own family. On any view, this is a relationship of co-dependency, but does it matter if she is happy and, crucially the DGDs are happy and secure? DD is her own person and must make her own choices - I know that, I do know that....
And so my mind goes round and round in circles and I have no answers. I do believe, deep down, that I will eventually have answers but only with time, when we rebuild our relationship. Surprisingly, I think that could happen quite quickly and perhaps it doesn't matter in the great scheme of things, although for me it actually does. And for her sisters, it definitely does. I am quite sure that, although at some level they would be happy for some sort of reconciliation, they will want an explanation before any sort of relationship can resume. They are not prepared to 'brush it under the carpet' as DD2 says. Also, that the relationship will never be what it was or might have been. You throw a stone into a pond and the ripples go out a long way (I am indebted to Smileless for introducing the water analogy ).
Ramblings over and thank you again but don't feel obliged to read. If I hadn't have vented here I would probably have sent a message to DD and that definitely would have been a bad idea! Instead, I shall wait a bit and then seek a recipe - DD is an excellent cook and is always happy to discuss food. Apparently DGD1 also loves her food, so I can see a future unfolding of taking her to Chinese restaurants (which I love) etc, and spending time together when she is older, if it is not snatched away. But then, if a bond is established, hopefully she will want to keep in contact and surely SIL would not want to keep DGDs from a family who love them. The trouble is that, based upon my experience to date, I am not so sure. But hopefully DD would not allow it to happen - she assures me she won't. Round and round and round go the thoughts - time for some Leonard Cohen, I think!
Wishing everyone a happy and joyful Sunday.