I have spent another weekend in a dark place missing my grandson & wishing I could be part of his life again.
My daughter, who I brought up pretty much on my own, has been quite ungrateful, rude & disrespectful since her teenage years.
She was my everything growing up & being a young mum I made mistakes but I know it my heart I loved, nurtured & treated her extremely well. I believe I spoilt her to a certain extent, not just with material things but with attention. My life revolved around her completely.
Over the years & the older she got she became more rude & disrespectful but would always call me if she ever needed anything or was in trouble.
She had my grandson at 18 so I became a young grandmother. Although I was extremely disappointed I embraced him & loved him wholeheartedly for the last 4 years.
She has completely stopped me from seeing him on a few occasions, mainly when she doesn’t get what she wants or following another unreasonable & unnecessarily argument.
I have tried attending counselling sessions with her as she was telling people she had suffered trauma as a child & felt neglected. It was all lies & she could only say that I worked full time, meaning she was at childminders & that she was lonely as an only child which I could’ve prevented if I found a partner & had more children.
I am in a loving relationship now but my partner no longer wants to see me hurt so I can not share my feelings with him. He believes I should distance myself from my daughter, which I have but I was having my grandson at least once a month for a few days.
The last time was Easter. I took a few days off work to have my grandson. We had a wonderful time, he is such a lovely boy. The first day I had to take him shopping as the clothes he is always sent with are dirty, too small or old. I believe my daughter does this on purpose to inconvenience me & because I usually end up buying him new clothes but this time & the last time he came I decided to keep the clothes for the next time he comes. He now has a nice collection for all weathers & swimming trunks too. I’ve always had over night things for him so she never had to pack these things.
I knew my grandson loved Lego so I dedicated one of the days to Lego! We purchased some new Lego City boxes. Admittedly I spoilt him slightly & we went home & spent the whole day playing Lego. I said “you love Lego don’t you?” & he replied “I love playing it more with you”. It was a wonderful day.
A couple days later I took him to my parents house. I planned to spend Easter Sunday with them. I had also purchased a spare box of Lego to take to my parents for when we go there as he always played with left over Lego from my nephew but couldn’t make anything properly.
Whilst on the way to my parents my daughter called to say she was there. As I walked through the door I was slightly taken back by her over enthusiasm. I also find it hard to know whether my daughter is being genuinely nice. However it didn’t take long for communication to become difficult.
All of a sudden my daughter said my grandson told her he couldn’t take the Lego home. I told her I’d bought it for this house. She went on telling me that he’s her son & she gets to choose where his toys are. This went on for sometime, she was saying I was wrong for buying Lego for my house & my parents house but not his own house. I explained that this was so he had toys when he goes to these places.
My mum stepped in & told her she should buy their own Lego. She became more disrespectful towards me. Saying it’s the principle I should’ve bought it when I was getting the others. She said this is why she has no respect for me & said I just won’t be able to see him.
She then proceeded to purchase boxes & boxes of Lego online with him, at the dinner table in front of me. This made my grandson start to talk to me like I was intensionally keeping his Lego & now he will have more than me. When I told him to eat his dinner he said “no”. A behaviour he hadn’t demonstrated over the five days or ever before.
I got ready to leave soon after. Whilst I hugged him, he held me tight, I know he had a wonderful time but unfortunately it had come to an abrupt end.
I thought I needed time away from my daughter so I decided to not contact him as I usually did every week. It used to be every few days but had become less. I have become upset every now & again. Especially when something good is happening in my life or I’m missing him. I think about him & the situation practically everyday. I feel different, like I’m wounded & a piece of my heart is missing. When it’s too much I breakdown like someone has died.
Everyone advises me to leave them & have distance. I also saw a medium who advised me to wait a few months before contacting or trying to see my grandson. It’s been hard but a couple of weekends ago I asked my partner to send a message asking to have him. My daughter said as she doesn’t know him enough I need to ask myself, even though we’ve been together for three years & she’s even borrowed money off him. I then asked my mum to send the message, my daughter said I need to ask myself. I couple of days later she mentioned I could ask her partner, my grandson’s dad, too.
By then it was too late as I had made plans. I had again been told by everyone that I should leave them as I was starting a new job which was a promotion & massive opportunity for me.
After a wonderful first week I went to my uncles 70th birthday party, I went home & cried as I had felt the loss of a daughter & grandson. The following morning, yesterday, I woke with tears in my eyes again. I rang my mother & mentioned that I will contact my grandsons dad. I spent the whole day upset so needed to calm myself down & perk myself up before calling. My partner is away so I don’t have him here to express his annoyance of the situation which usually makes me stop showing my hurt & distract myself.
Yesterday my mum sent a message to my daughter telling her to make arrangements with me to see my grandson which she didn’t receive well as she reiterated that I could contact the dad. I wasn’t sure why she had done that but know she was trying to help.
My sister, who is fed up with the continuous battle rang but took sometime to suggest that she could try to facilitate me seeing my grandson. I was grateful & thanked her but advised that I showed try the his dad first. I also mentioned that it upset me when she’d say “this situation with you two” or “you both...” I tried to explain that this is not a ‘you two’ situation. My daughter is the unreasonable one & I was only trying to be a loving Grandmother. She took this personally & became annoyed. I did not need this on top of how I was already feeling.
My daughter has changed her WhatsApp photo to a quote about toxic mothers being as bad as absent fathers. The has added salt to the wound.
I called the dad with no response I sent him a message asking to see my grandson at the end of the month.
I instantly regretted it as everyone told me to leave it. I feel I’m in a trap of control with my daughter. I’m tired of the back & forth & arguments. She knows I’m a wonderful grandmother, she used to tell me & occasionally thank me. That’s why I’d have to hide my annoyance when she’d make out like she’s so surprised that I had done the special thing I’d done for him.
I’m now waiting for a response but this is just this time. If they say yes I may have to see her, which I’d rather not & I’ll have the same problem the next time I try to see him. If they say no or do not respond then I’m here no better off as I doubt they’ll suggest an alternative day.
I have these breakdowns when I’m happiest because I’m missing them. The last time was my leaving do after 10 years, having everyone tell me how well I’d done all day, I wished my daughter was there to tell me she was proud of me.
Like now, I was naturally asked if I have children at this new job & pretended to my new colleagues that I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter & grandson.
Also being at my uncles leaving do, amongst family, feeling ashamed that I don’t have a wonderful relationship like all my cousins do with their children.
Once again I’m leaving it & will wait until this evening for a response but I think I just need to accept that I need to walk away for good. I don’t want the situation to make me ill. My daughter is pregnant now so I’m sure this situation will only get worse. I also feel I do not want to get too close to the new baby so the pain is not so bad when I am in this situation with them.
I just need the strength, I miss my grandson & miss being involved in his life. I feel so mistreated & upset that I don’t have a daughter I can have a normal relationship with. The whole thing is just unfair & I know I don’t deserve it.
I found this group & reading some of your experiences have made me feel less alone which is why I’m sharing this with you.
Thank you.
Smileness I have had the missfortune of being on several threads where you have posted about your ES and always leave any interactions with you thinking "well! no wonder!"
No notanan my posts on this thread make no direct connection to my own estrangement and I do not "throw (my) hands in the air wondering why (our) AC went NC". We know why and we know it has nothing to do with how we were as parents.
Perhaps with you wonderful insight and perception you'd like to refer specifically to any of my posts that "ooze with clues as to why" our son is estranged.
I await with baited breath.
Yes I see your POV March
There has to initially be hurt for someone to make the break, and you can only feel hurt if you still care... at least initially.
Sorry notanan you're right.
I'm only answering as my husband's situation and my own view.
I understand that there are much more abusive situations out there than my husband's those that can't be as easily forgiven.
And continue to throw your hands in the air wondering why your AC went NC when your posts ooze with clues as to why they felt they had to clear as day
Once again notanan, all about the AC
No its not. It's about anyone in any relationship that hurts more than it nourishes. But you read just the parts that fit your narative as usual...
Once again notanan, all about the AC
Of course there is still love there. You can love someone and walk away.
Not necessarily. You can stop loving a parent who doesnt properly love you back. It takes time and distance and acceptance that they are who they are and wont change or ever like you for who you are.
But the love can fade, and stop. And the hurt fades and stops with it. You have to let go of hoping for improvement/change first.
Would you stay friends with someone who didnt like you? Would you stay in a romantic relationship with someone who didnt like you?
Would you want your child staying in a relationship with someone who didnt like them? If that person wasnt you?
'Yeah? Maybe? Maybe they don't.
Or maybe they do / did love you but not being liked by someone they loved just hurt too much?'
Of course there is still love there. You can love someone and walk away.
You can love somone but love yourself more and put yourself first.
You can realise that actually, person X isn't great for my MH, we are clashing, I'm sick of the arguments, they are not listening to me, I'll be happier without them in my life..
etc
That works for a marriage, friendship and parent relationship.
No one comes out unhurt. It hurts both sides,I've seen it. 6 years on it still hurts him.
If you don't like each other what is the point of being around each other? What good can possibly come of it?
You can say you loved them but that doesnt = them feeling loved. Especially the way you and the OP describe love.
If a relationship hurts sometimes you just have to make yourself care less about that person to stop the hurt taking over.
Its not easily done if its your parent, but it can be done. You can learn to stop caring whether they like you or not, but sometimes the only way to to that is to walk away
When they estrange you, refuse all contact and deny you your GC, why would they expect you to like them?
Is it really not obvious?
At that point they will have stopped hoping for better. They've given up on it. They no longer "expect" or hope to be liked by you, they realised its futile and dont want to live with the constant hurt any more.
So no. They don't expect you to like them now. Not any more. That's the whole point of walking away and not going back and back for more of the same!
When they estrange you, refuse all contact and deny you your GC, why would they expect you to like them?
"Not being liked by someone they loved just hurt too much", yes notanan it does hurt, it hurts like hell but not enough for the P's they've estranged to stop loving them.
I agree that love shouldn't hurt; are we to assume then that our AC who no longer want anything to do with us and wont allow us to see our GC, who are hurting us more than words can express, do not love us? Is the the real reason for our estrangement?
Yeah? Maybe? Maybe they don't.
Or maybe they do / did love you but not being liked by someone they loved just hurt too much?
And what about the P's notanan who know that their AC don't love them "the way people should be loved ie for who they actually are"; what about them.
I would hope that they too know how it feels to be loved in a way that doesnt hurt, for who they are. But if not. And they think that that sort of "love" is as good as it gets and all they deserve, well then I would feel sad fir them too.
Gonegirl
No notanan it isn't a biological pull, it's unconditional love. It's still loving someone regardless of what they have done or how they've behaved; you may not like them but you still love them.
I agree that love shouldn't hurt; are we to assume then that our AC who no longer want anything to do with us and wont allow us to see our GC, who are hurting us more than words can express, do not love us? Is the the real reason for our estrangement?
Clearly I do love our ES, if I didn't I wouldn't be hurting would I. I didn't say I have to love my ES because he's my son, I said I do love him.
Once again, the majority of responses to my last post ignore the position of the estranged P and GP. And what about the P's notanan who know that their AC don't love them "the way people should be loved ie for who they actually are"; what about them.
This is material for a whole new thread.
He definitely doesn't feel hurt by being around me. In fact sometimes it's quite hard to shift him
Oh that's not right! One of mine knows I feel exactly how you mention in the first line of your last post.
But he knows quite well that I love the socks off of him.
If the person your child turned out to be is a disappointment to you they will know! Even if you think you are saying the right words and telling them you love them, they wont feel loved.
And being around you will hurt. Even if on the surface of it you dont think you are overtly doing or saying anything hurtful.
If you like who someone overall is its okay to not like everything they do.
But if you dont like who they are, the person they are, you ^cannot expect them to feel loved by you.
And knowing your parent doesnt love you that way, the way people should be loved, i.e. for who they actually are, is never going to not cut deep so how can you expect them to keep going back for more
^ or more's the question, would you want your child to stay in a relationship like that?
Or would you want them to want more for themselves and to feel that they are worth liking?
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