How do I forget they exist?

I'm so sorry that your daughter treats you this way. I have the same problem. I haven't seen my grand-children for 3 years now or any of my children as my daughter has somehow turned them against me. We made the mistake of staying with them between houses after being childminders for 3 years! This showed her to be a VERY poor, neglectful parent indeed. It was as though her daugher was getting in the way of her career! Suggestion to my daughter that my grand-daughter really needed to socialise with others at a playgroup gave her all the ammunition she needed to stop me seeing my grand-daughter!!! What I can't forgive about the way my children are treating me is that they all knew i was suffering from depression when they decided to start all the 'issues' - whatever they are! Believe me, it's nothing to do with being a working or single mum as my children had my full attention until they were at secondary school and had both a father and step-father in close contact, both of whom they asked to give them away at their weddings. I'm afraid, sometimes we have to realise that it wasn't what we've done but that there is some unrealistic expectation that your children have and that they almost 'want' to claim they had a bad childhood to give them some sort of 'sob story'. Over the years, my middle daughter has had me up in front of Social Services being asked about my relationship with my husband of 33 years, has told her friends to make unpleasant comments to me at her wedding, has fallen out with both sets of her own in-laws, urinates in her boss' coffee if she doesn't get her own way, and boasts about it, expects my husband and I to be 'removals' and then tell us we're let "off the hook" when my husband actually has a heart attack, I could go on and on. In the end I had to stay away for my own well-being. I miss my grand-children and especially my own son, who tells me "I should, look after my grand children", even though he doesn't yet (as far as I know) have any and is just fighting his sister's corner. I take each day as it comes and mostly wish I'd never had any children these days! I feel for you but also feel that your daughter is a bully who feels she can use her child as a weapon. Maybe it's up to you to show her that she can't do that?

For goodness sake Hithere you would do well to read the entire OP and all of the subsequent posts made by the OP, then perhaps you wouldn't make such ill informed comments.

"It is mean to dangle the carrot in front of a child so you get to see him more"; really!!!! You must be referring to another thread as there is nothing in any of the OP's posts to substantiate this accusation.

Jemz,

Did you check with your dd before promising your gs he could take some legos home if he was a good boy at school?

That is a parent decision, not a grandparent one.

Your dd may have seen it as overriding her authority as a mother and you acting like a mother figure to her child, your grandchild

If you truly want to have a better relationship with your dd, stop going around to get more visitation with your gs.
Do not ask gs's father. Do not ask anybody in your family to ask your dd in your behalf, it is manipulative
I can see how your dd gets mad.

I agree with gone girl about the presents, it is mean to dangle the carrot in front of a child so you get to see him more

I don't understand what you find so difficult to understand about a GP buying toys to keep at their home for when GC come for a visit Gonegirl.

The OP's D went on line in front of her child and her mother to buy lego. I agree that this particular aspect speaks volumes, volumes about the OP's D's attitude.

Thank you so much CrazyH. I’m am hopeful that things will improve but also apprehensive about the next visit from Grandson, as always I’ll do my best to prevent challenges.

No one is "taking a pop Elvive. That would be horrible (and childish). Just being honest and trying to help.

So JEMz have you actually contacted your daughter yourself and asked to see your GS again, or is it still being done only through your mother and your partner? You really need to talk to her yourself.

And I still can't understand how you could buy him all that lego and not let him take at least some of it home. I think I can understand your DD going online and buying him some lego herself. She was probably feeling pretty hurt on his behalf.

Some on here say it's not about the lego, but I think that aspect of it speaks volumes tbh.

Talk to her yourself, calmly and reasonably. You are the grown up.

JEM, as I said beware revealing your hurt on here. There are some excellent , caring replies and some people with nothing better to do that take a pop at you.
You know my feeling on the subject.

The wee boy and the lego sounds pretty grim but it's not about bloody lego is it!

JEMz it is difficult if not impossible for your daughter to be sincerely grateful when her self esteem is so horribly low (for whatever reason possibly because she is not as able as you who are obviously successful , and others around her).

I think the poor girl has suffered what she conceives of as terrible failures. She possibly needs a lot of praise regarding what she she is good at. There must be something!

JEMz no wonder you got promoted at work, you are capable of such thorough and honest work commitment. No wonder you are in a new and loving relationship too!

I wonder what your daughter is rebelling about. My guess is that she feels a failure compared with you and is trying to make show-offy statements about her powers and abilities(e.g. showing -off buying all these lego sets online in public). I guess that she feels less able as a parent than you as grandmother are parenting her own child.

Low self esteem?

Your daughters feelings are valid just as much as yours.
This is nothing to do with Lego, that was just another argument.
This is everything to do with a poor mother daughter relationship.
I imagine your DD felt ganged up on getting messages from her nan, aunt and your partner all telling them what to do with her child.
I know from experience how well that would of gone down.

I think your DD is full of hurt and emotion for whatever reason and doesn't know how to deal with it. She's lashing out.
From your post you don't think much of her as a parent or a daughter.
She's backing off because that's what she feels is best. Maybe she feels attacked.
Her feelings aren't taken on board because she's a nightmare.

Unless you can understand that you have hurt her, just as she has hurt you then the relationship between you both won't get any better.

Hopefully you can still your Grandson through his Dad.

Rosecarmel It’s a shame you only chose to read the initial post as I have continuously explained my reasons for purchasing & keeping the Lego at my house. Also the reason I believed this to be the right thing to do, following orders not to purchase toys for my grandson’s house, by his own parents.

Again if you had continued reading you’d see that I am afraid to purchase anything for my grandson for some time, thus preventing further confusion or problems.

My mother & I feel the whole situation is extremely shameful. Unfortunately my daughter does not understand shame. Although reading comments & taking time to reflect maybe she felt shamed that she did not feel the need to have a Lego day with her child herself as her priorities are completely different to mine.

My family & partner, the ‘team’ you describe has not been formed to agree with me. They all have, out of love & concern, tried to talk to my daughter in the past without me asking. My elderly mother & father had to stop my daughter from shouting & essentially throwing a tantrum over Lego. Throughout the episode, apart from trying to explain my position, I remained quiet to prevent escalating the situation.

My partner, after seeing me extremely tearful & broken, offered to send a message. I then asked the next day & then subsequently asked my mum. This was genuinely asking for help to see my grandson. I didn’t need them to agree with me. Unlike you they know my daughter well & are completely aware of her attitude & lack of gratitude.

Like I said it’s a shame you haven’t continued to read the rest of the thread. Yes ‘support’ comes in many forms & clearly not what you was offering.

I feel your pain and I havent seen or spoken to my daughter in over 4.5 years. I have tried to text, phone and write with no reply. I do manage to see my two grand daughters through her ex husband. It hurts. You could try and back away, especially as she is pregnant and hormonal. Try and write a letter and point out that you are there for her and your grandson. Tell her that you love them both and ask her to get in touch, if and when she wants. Dont make an issue about the toys being only at your house, that sounds too petty to me. My grand kids take them house if they want to. Take care. x

JEM, my heart goes out to you. I am semi-estranged from one of my daughters and it hurts like hell.

I have done a bit of research, both from books and internet sites including this one, but also ones that look at the child's view. Mother/daughter relationships can be very complicated and your relationship is possibly more complicated because it was just the two of you for so long. It is clear from what you have said that you and your DD were everything to each other for many years and that she has come to depend on you. In effect, you are still in a parent-child relationship although you, not unreasonably, feel that you should be in an adult-adult relationship and that your GS is the child here.

The impression I have from your posts is that you see your relationship with your GS as being the priority here, rather than with your DD, which she doubtless picks up on and is the main reason for her behaviour. She is used to being the centre of your universe and now she is not. She does not sound like a very mature young woman and she is trying to gain your attention and maybe your love, as she sees it, by using your GS - yes, she seems to be jealous in some way of her own son or your relationship with him, or is feeling that her position as the beloved child has been usurped.

I am not sure that I have any solutions other than to back off and wait for her to grow up a bit - the emotional landscape changes as time passes. But I think you also need to try to demonstrate that she is your first priority and that you love her very much. At least, that's what I am trying to do - no guarantees of success, but I am not sure that there is any other way. Good luck, anyway

Please keep in mind that support comes in many forms .. Just as there are infinite ways to achieve a goal-

Please take a moment to consider your earlier response to another person on this forum where you said I “appreciate your opinion but can not see how my daughters feeling are valid”.
...I believe that everyones feelings are valid, even your daughter’s.

I realise you are hurting - but anger and self-righteousness will only bring you more pain. We all know that we cannot change others, only ourselves. Take a deep breath and try to release the tensions, anxiety and trauma. You are making a good decision to seek counselling. I do hope it will bring you the peace you need and eventually help open up a path to reconciliation.

I agree wholeheartedly with Crazy H. Hugs from me too. This is a support network. Many of us are have been there.. The fact that you are going to see your GS soon must be very exciting..enjoy every moment

JEMz - your pain is so palpable.....how can anyone say you are 'needy'? If, wanting to see your GC is considered 'needy', then we are all needy. Needy is when you are constantly expecting emotional support - this little human is giving you 'joy' and you are giving him 'love'.
I feel there is some hope, because your daughter's partner has got in touch. So, be patient. I have had my share of issues with the parents of my grandchildren, and many a time I have bitten my tongue. I also follow their rules. One d.i.l. told me not to give my grandson any toys or chocolates every time I visit. I must admit I did overdo it. But today when I went to see him, I did not take him anything. I felt bad going emptyhanded, but there you go.
I want to give you a big hug and tell you, things will improve if you're patient. Your DD is pregnant and will need you.
You have a good partner, who loves you.
Don't feel too sad....

JEMz, helpful- After reading your initial post in its entirety I noticed what appeared to me to be a pattern of using shame by all 3 generations of women to manipulate the situation that you described, the occasion where you were visiting with your mum: the LEGO debacle-

I've not pointed out the pattern to be a hater, but mentioned it in an effort to suggest that perhaps you might want to consider an alternative response to such situations when they arise-

Your daughter has every right as a parent to determine what toys her child is allowed to play with and when as well as where- As a grandmother you have the right to consult with your daughter regarding any aspect that involves her child while in your care-

If you take a different approach going forward it may lend to improving your relationship with your daughter and as a result make visits with your grandson easier on everyone-

It's not so much that you have reached out to people closest to you to help you solve the problem, but it appears to me you are seeking to form a team that agrees with you, which only contributes to the problem you have going on with your daughter-

Gonegirl & Agnurse not sure how you came to the conclusion that I was being mean to my four year old grandson. I was previously told not to buy him toys for his house because he had too many so it wasn’t my intention to buy him Lego for his house. I was ensuring he had something to fun to play with when he visits.

It is obviously very petty & silly which is why I find it so hard to deal with. Like I said, which you obviously missed, my grandson never threw a tantrum or was upset that he couldn’t take it home. I told him if he is a good boy at school that week I would send Lego to his house. He picked it out on Amazon & it was ready & waiting in my shopping basket to be delivered straight there.

I was doing a genuinely nice thing, we had the wonderful Lego day as I had planned. Can not believe that could be interpreted as mean.

Quizqueen I think that’s a spiteful post telling the poster to write a will leaving the daughter out and leaving everything to the grandson How on earth will that help
life it short and it’s really bad to spend all of it in hatred surely not good for the child either
I still think if you make an effort with your daughter you will have more peace with your grandson and life in general
Don’t forget we only hear one side
Going back to the toys I had a cupboard of toys and games that all the grandkids,( cousins etc) used when at mine however if I had been asked if one could be taken home I would have happily said yes it never cropped up as they always played with those particular toys at mine and put them away in the cupboard

Rosecarmel I am confused by your comment & not sure it was meant to be helpful or positive.

Thank you Avor2 I also believe there are problems that she needs to address. I have suggested this to her & tried in the past to refer her but she’s an adult so there’s not much I can do.

I do wish I had a ‘normal life’ with my family. Just have to accept it is how it is so I do not have another weekend like this one.

Thank you Joyfulnanna, his dad is facilitating me having him in a couple of weekends time.

I have also spoken to a friend this weekend. She was aware that I haven’t seen my grandson for a while but not the extent of the situation.

Thank you Quizqueen you’re right I was totally obsessed with her & totally accept that was my mistake.

I’m seeing him in a couple of weeks, his dad is accommodating it. I will try to leave it a while before asking to see him again after that. Although it is his birthday next month.