Child arrangement court order

Nonnie, I actually didn't stop anyone seeing my children. I said she could see them and she wouldn't unless I went with them. After a year or so she did start asking to see them, but by that point they were happy and settled and hadn't missed her or shown any signs they missed her. To be fair, she didn't really bother with them much. So I don't have much of an answer to your question because it depends on the circumstances doesn't it?

Yes, Smile we want to protect our own and I am so sorry that you have been put through this. The lack of empathy is astounding but please notice the new names who may have come over from the other place specifically for this purpose.

Thank you nonnie you're right. I shouldn't take any notice and I don't often take things to heart, but it's a different thing for me entirely if my DH is the one being subjected to the mean spirited comments that we sometimes see here on GN.

Smile I can see why you feel so hurt, some of the comments on here are very unpleasant. Unfortunately there seem to be some here who have come on just to show their hatred of people they know and are not open-minded enough to see that there are other points of view. Please don't let them upset you, they are so narrow minded and blinkered you should take no notice.

I have seen what it is like for a man to be controlled by his partner, to be forced to choose between her and his family and give in because he has no choice. Some women are bullies and think only of themselves, they have to control everything. I feel most sorry for the children who will countably be damaged by it all.

notanan2 Tue 03-Sep-19 22:57:06 yes, and that is good. It appears the courts are starting to take the same approach to GPs who have been cut off for no reason.

Lost you said "Often emotional abuse literally changes a growing child's brain. You don't have to hit someone to cause physical changes. There are plenty of stress related illnesses. There are anxiety disorders with physical symptoms. Complex post traumatic stress syndrome and let's not forget self harm and suicide. All may result from emotional abuse." I entirely agree but do parents who prevent children from seeing people they have a good relationship with abuse their children? I think they do.

I appreciate that LostChild and thank you for it.

I just didn't want you to be hurt in the meantime

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

"I can only comment on my own experience though" yes of course LostChild that is all any of us can do. Our experience.

I wouldn't dream of commenting negatively to anything that you have experienced and don't expect anyone to comment negatively on my experience. Especially the experience of the fear I, our DS and his wife went through when we didn't know if my DH was having a heart attack.

Obviously I don't think it was a general comment and TBH I don't understand why anyone else would.

I'm sorry if you were upset by the "assertation that estrangement is emotional abuse" LostChild but you have to try and understand that the perspective from a parent who lost a child they had a wonderful relationship with for 27 years until he married, differs entirely from an AC who estranged their parents due to abuse.

Saying that an EP regards their estrangement as emotional abuse is not personally directed at you or any other estranging AC. That is a general comment.

notanan's post was too closely linked to mine for it to have been a general statement. If she did not intend it to have the affect on me that it did, only she can say so.

I mentioned in an earlier comment about reacting badly to someone else's behaviour. I can't tell you how often I was blamed and shamed for having a bad reaction to my mums behaviour and ultimately that meant her bad behaviour was not addressed at all. Now, I would guess that estrangement is the ultimate reaction to bad behaviour when a parent is abusive, but that is not an intrinsically bad reaction. Especially if you have tried everything within your power to have a good and positive relationship with that person. Again I want to say that is true in any abusive relationship... I can only comment on my experience though.

I thought that was a general comment Smileless, about abusive parents. I was very hurt by the assertation that estrangement is emotional abuse, but I worked hard not to take it personally because I know that is not why I did it.

I hope I'm just being over sensitive notanan, I really do. I hope that your post at 22.52 in which you said "It is common for abusive controlling people to have a huge physical and mental/emotional response when the person they abuse finally walks away" was not in response to my post of 21.39 yesterday.

I do wonder though as I posted about my DH going into hospital with a suspected heart attack and being told that it was due to an extreme anxiety attack.

If that was not your intention to imply that my DH was in shock because our son who he'd abusively controlled had decided to walk away, you need to say so.

Over the 6 plus years of posting on all matters connected to estrangement, there have been many times when I've been shocked by some of the responses I have seen, be they in response to me or another poster.

Never, in all that time have I ever read a post seemingly directed to me, that reduced me to tears, until this morning. I always do my utmost to be polite and sensitive to others regardless of which side of the estrangement issue they find themselves on or argue for or against.

To say your post was insensitive would be an understatement. If it was not your intention to upset and distress me with your post, you need to say so. If you do not assure me of this I can only assume that your post was directed at my DH and it was your intention to hurt and upset me to the extent you have.

That would make your post the cruelest and most deplorable one I have ever had the misfortune to read on GN.

But I also agree w/ Smileless that it's hard to know the actual reasons behind the dad's apparent change of heart. What people are saying and what he's really thinking/feeling could be two very different things.

If the GPs' DS has visitation, then I can see the GPs turning to him for access. In fact, that generally seems to me to be the best way to go, and, to my understanding, most XDILs prefer it. But if DS had no interest and was ok w/ XDIL moving far away, etc., then I don't agree w/ the GPs pressuring him into going to court, and I can barely imagine why he would give into them. Yes, I can understand their wanting to maintain contact w/ the children despite the dad/DS, and I applaud them for it. But coercing DS into pretending he's interested just to make that happen? No. And causing XDIL and the kids a lot of strife on top of it just to suit the GPs' wishes? No.

Divorce is now a few years ahead of family estrangement in terms of social understanding.

Was a time when any man whose wife left him was pitied. How could she? How can he be expected to cope. Wifes have a DUTY to stick by their husbands. How can a wife do that? She must be heartless.

And she would be blamed if he was drinking himself to death "because she left me" whereas nowadays one would think "hmm, maybe thats why she left you?"

It is common for abusive controlling people to have a huge physical and mental/emotional response when the person they abuse finally walks away.

A common phrase is "you did this to me" about whatever mental/physical/lifestyle breakdown happens to the abuser when the public/street veil falls and they are "abandoned".

But their victim is not doing that to them. It is the effect on their pride and their psyche of losing control and being shamed by being left.

Notanan, awesome reply

Its just like divorce really. Same range of reasons apply. One party not wanting the divorce is no reason for the other to stay in the marraige. And the one who instigates divorce proceedings is not by default the villan of the pair either.

Divorce is not a form of abuse. It is sometimes a response to it and a solution to it and hopefully an end to it. Divorcing someone is not abusive just because the divorce process may be sad or emotional.

If someone who was hurting me estranged from me I would regard that as a release from emotional abuse, not an act of emotional abuse. I have had family members estranged from me who think I am a bad person thanks to mum. I don't feel abused by them, just let go. They believe the lies too so, probably are justified in their own minds. It hurts, but it isn't them being abusive.

And some people just dont necessarily like or love someone else just because they share genetics so dont see the point.

Its not always dramatic. Its usually more like closure: knocking out the loose tooth so it stops hurting.

"Estrangement may be sad, distressing, bereavement, lots of things". There no "may be" about it, it is all of those things.

Not always. Some people spent so long grieving for what they hoped the relationship could have been whilst they were still in the relationship, still trying, that by the time they gave up hope and leave the relationship they feel no loss (or no new loss).

It would be very enlightening if both sides give their POVs and then compared- what parents say vs ACs say.

"Estrangement may be sad, distressing, bereavement, lots of things". There no "may be" about it, it is all of those things.