Child arrangement court order

The sad truth is that as adults, we can choose to have a relationship with another adult - or not

When there is estrangement, both parties are hurting - estrangees and estrangers.

Nobody wins in an estrangement.

There are many sides to a story. Where parents say they are loving and caring, it may translate as smothering to the ACs.

Estrangers may say they are estranging to avoid further abuse and protect themselves.

Estrangement may be sad, distressing, bereavement, lots of things!

But it is not a relationship. The relationship is over. So it cannot be an abusive relationship.

Estrangement is everything to the parents and GP who find themselves estranged despite being loving and caring parents notanan.

LostChild from an EP's perspective, estrangement is emotional abuse due to the never ending period of silence that follows it, once the abusive emails have stopped that is.

Estrangement isn't just the ending of an abusive relationship. It can be the end of a perfectly healthy and loving relationship often destroyed by the influence of a third party.

Estrangement experienced by adults can also produce "anxiety disorders with physical symptoms". A few years ago while visiting our son in Aus. Mr. S. went into hospital with a suspected heart attack.

He underwent a series of tests and the doctor told us it was an extreme anxiety attack. He told us about 'sad heart syndrome' where extended periods of anxiety can damage heart muscle.

Thankfully Mr. S.'s heart was and is fine but he warned us about the dangers to his health that our son's estrangement of us could have.

I appreciate that you have suffered at the hands of your parents but we have suffered at the hands of our son.

Estrangement is not anything. It is ending the relationship.

There has to be a relationship for there to be abuse either way.

There are some people who extreme sulk and threaten estrangement as a form of control but keep the relationship going thats different.

Often emotional abuse literally changes a growing child's brain. You don't have to hit someone to cause physical changes. There are plenty of stress related illnesses. There are anxiety disorders with physical symptoms. Complex post traumatic stress syndrome and let's not forget self harm and suicide. All may result from emotional abuse.

Oh dear.

Lost child, my comment was based off of one that Smileless had made

*Smileless2012

That got me thinking nonniesmile. I wonder if within the context of parents abused by their AC if estrangement is includedhmm.

One tends to think of financial and those horrifying accounts of physical abuse. Estrangement may I suppose be taken into account when looking at emotional abuse*

Summerlove I must have missed that. Estrangement is not emotional abuse. Silent treatment is though. Estrangement is the end of a damaging relationship to prevent further harm. Silent treatment is punishment for periods of time. Very different to each other.

I have heard In some schools they are now teaching “me and” vs “so and so and I”

Re: estrangement as emotional abuse, surely estrangement is a better alternative than someone who is forced to talk to their parents and as a result Is extremely unpleasant?

I think it's just bad grammar rather than any choice over who they put first. Another new trend is to say "no problem" instead of "you are welcome". Older generations tend to find this rude, but if you think about it, no problem means they did not mind doing this task for you whereas you are welcome implies they put themselves out.

That reminded me of something that happened years ago when ES was at primary school Nonnie. He came home one day and said 'mum, I think a lot of families are weird but we're one of the normal ones'.

What ever insight he had then, he lost.

Lost I appreciate how you feel, wish I had an answer, possibly social media? It does sometimes feel that 'Me Too' ought to cover much more than it does. I was taught to say 'Jane and I went to ......' but now most seem to say 'me and Jane went to.....'. Looks like the emphasis is now on putting oneself first apart from being grammatically incorrect.

Smile It must be hard to recognise an unhealthy relationship if you have been brought up in a loving family with empathy. How then could you recognise the sort of 'love' which is unhealthy. Sometimes I think we bring our children up to assume love is caring for others and they trust too much.

If only we knew LostChild but then if we do and the child is an adult, what can we do about it?

Other influences and the inability to "recognise an unhealthy relationship" certainly figure in our son's estrangement but that said, we had no idea just how unhealthy his relationship was and is, until it was too late.

If we'd realised before it was too late, what could we have done, they were married and had their first child? It was too late; too late for us and too late for him.

Somehow, some way, we need to get to the bottom of why people are becoming abusive full stop. Is it a problem with how they are raised,at home, at school, other influences? Mental health: in which case, what caused it? Drug or alcohol abuse: why do they need a crutch to get through life? Spousal abuse: How and why do they not have the tools in place to recognise an unhealthy relationship? Where and when are people being failed?

Yes, Smile I cannot see that there is any difference between a child cutting off a parent and a parent cutting off a child. Surely we should all have a certain amount of empathy for those who see things a little differently to us? I am of course not suggesting that those who have been abused should stay in an abusive relationship but that normal every day differences should be tolerated by all sides.

Unfortunately on this thread there are some only speaking about their own experiences and closing their minds to different points of view. Such a shame on what I thought was a discussion thread but each to their own.

I see some things differently to my ACs and their partners, sometimes we discuss them and sometimes we just let it pass. I expect they feel the same about me. However we all accept that we are different people and never argue about any differences. Tolerant adults should be able to get along if both sides try.

That got me thinking nonnie. I wonder if within the context of parents abused by their AC if estrangement is included.

One tends to think of financial and those horrifying accounts of physical abuse. Estrangement may I suppose be taken into account when looking at emotional abuse.

Nonnie, no I’m sorry that I do not, although I’m certain that there are some out there, and maybe even local support groups for elder-abuse vicitims that are assaulted or taken advantage of by their ACs. My personal search has been for my own and my family’s healing and support from abuse at the hands of my parents and sibling, so that is what I’ve looked for.

At least it looks to be quite a tough, but fair process with lots of measures in place to protect kids and find the right outcome for them in it all. Hard not to imagine my mum coming after my kids when I think about it though.

Yes it is LostChild there are certainly some well stated opposing points of view.

This post is a very interesting read.

notanan2 Sun 01-Sep-19 12:39:35 same as what please?

Twenty do you also have a suggested for parents who are abused by their children?

Razzmatazz123...I agree with you and sympathise. I understand I think, and empathise with your feelings, I've felt that too from some posters.

Best wishes and good luck for your future too

Best wishes, Razz! I found your posts helpful and informative, comforting. Hopefully folks like you that seek boards for help and encouragement will not feel so displaced in the future. Estrangement is a very biased topic to begin with, and camps on either side are somewhat vigilant to their cause, IMO. You may find better acceptance on searching for 'adult children of estranged parents' where the support is more aligned to those that have suffered abuse from our parents.

Fortunately, there many, many studies being done on support groups, forums and blogs that bring to light the topics and divisions, and I'm hopeful that in the future much of the barriers between GPs and ACs may diminish from knowledge the knowledge gained therein.

One such study is here (there are many others), that you may find helpful:

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/

Happy return to work, razz!

You will be missed