Child arrangement court order

The applicatiom for leave "gateway" protects grieving families. A year long court case with multiple hearings may be the financial and emotional straw that breaks the remaining parents back!

Extended family may crave the consistancy of the grieving children staying nearby but that may not be what they need to find their "new normal"

I know one family where the family home was kept and extended family treated it almost like a shrine, getting upset if walls were painted because X had chosen that colour etc... the deceased became almost the biggest character in the family, there was always an "empty chair". They were never allowed to become a "family of 2" IYKWIM.

I know this affected the child because they started deliberately making all the opposite life choices to the "ever present" deceased parent. E.g. if the GPs said the deceased loved history in school the child would pick geography, even if they were getting As in history and Ds in geography!

If the remaining parent had been "allowed" to make a new normal, maybe move away, and adjust to being a family of 2 the child wouldnt have grown in their dead parents shadow like that?

I dont see how a griefing child being packed off for compulsary visits can do them any good. I really dont.

A friend of mine lost her mother as a child. Her way of moving on was to remember, but not dwell. Her family understood that. Except for one aunt. She insisted that every visit was to be spent talking about her dead mother.

My friend told me it was miserable and nothing would stop it, until she eventually stopped seeing the aunt.

Aunt apparently felt it was her DUTY to pass on stories. However, all it did was depress my friend and eventually ruin a relationship.

It’s such a fine line. So many helpful people are so sure their way is right that they can’t stop to see how it affects others. Not surprisingly, aunt became an overbearing grandmother as well who really struggled to learn boundaries

Your post Hithere today 17.31 made me smile; I'm glad that we've found something we can agree on.

MissAdventure some moving posts. I'm sorry for the loss of your dear daughter. Your GC are fortunate that they have you to share your priceless memories of their mother.

Semantics matter when we are talking about whether or not the law should change!

The scenario presented that started the discussion about death was where there IS a partner/another parent.

Notanan Your examples are tales of your own motherhood. Not of her childhood.

The examples are things that bring the children's mother a little bit closer to them ...as she can no longer be there in reality. That is precious for them and precious for MissAdventure too, perfectly valid and something for them all to hang on to.

Frankly I can see no relevance any more in what is complete semantics, ignoring even the reality of the difficult times that people face and they way they work through those in the best interests of the children involved and themselves as well.

MissAdventure

Truth Notanan

And there are drama stirrers out there that may enjoy telling the GP that the child is suffering from missing them when theyre not.

Why would anyone trust someone who passes on such a message? If its true it still achieves nothing but to upset and keep emotions high. So not a message a trust worthy party would impart..

I don't really think anyone can argue for how the child feels about estranged GPS, except the child, the child's parents/caregivers or people who the child confides in like nannies and teachers. Estranged grandparents can only guess at how each indicisula child in each individual case may feel. Which is a pointless exercise.

Because imagining your grandchild is suffering when they may be very happy and settled is just hurting yourself...pointlessly.

Exactly my point.
It is different.
Every family is different.
Every person is different.

I'm only sorry some of you seem to have missed out on that.

I was and am very close to extended family members

None of them tried to "bypass" my parents though, and recognised that they are extended family, al beit ones I am close to (which is probably why I remain so close to them)

But as you say she didnt have a partner then that is different from someone who leaves behind a partner who is the childrens parent too and can be the main one to help them keep the memory alive

Surely if a family are reasonable, they are all links to the parent, because they all knew the person in their own way.

All those links are what goes to make up a family chain.

Sounds like a cliche, but that's how my family are. (Or were)

I'm only sorry some of you seem to have missed out on that.

I loved having my Nan living close to me as a child, and my Godparents living next door to her.

It was idyllic.

We can go round in circles forever (and I'm quite prepared to!) but my point is that if I had been removed from my grandchildrens lives, lots of history would be lost.
My boys often ask me what their mum was like, and I always tell them she was far more naughty than they were.

That would be gone, lost, forgotten to them, and that would be a crying shame.

I know more about DHs birth than my own as it happens.

Haven't you ever been curious about your own birth, notanan

It is something that happened before my memories started so doesnt really "form" me in any way. The births I EXPERIENCED obviously do.

I know about it, because I was told. I wouldnt have asked.

she didn't have a partner who would pass on happy tales of her childhood.

But where there is another parent who the AC chose to share their life with, the GPs are not main "link" to a parent that passed away. The partner and childs siblings are.

Thank you, hithere.

Of course they are tales of her childhood!
SHE won the three legged race. I was just a watcher.

I have no particular tales about my motherhood.
It didn't float my boat too much, frankly.

Missadventure,
I am very sorry for your loss.

Haven't you ever been curious about your own birth, notanan?

I know my dad was trying to watch 'gunsmoke' on a Saturday afternoon when my mum told him to go to the phonebox and ring the midwife.

It's what my mum told me.
It's what families do, as far as I'm concerned.

She didn't have a partner who would pass on happy tales of her childhood.

Your examples are tales of your own motherhood. Not of her childhood.

These are all memories of you being a mother: births, tantrums, whispy baby hair: all "mother" things.

These are not things the kind of things one remembers about their own childhood . These are the mothers experiences, not the childs.

Again, that is you, in your particular circumstances, with your partner, your parents, and your children, notanan.

Everyone is different, their lives are different.

My daughter was my best friend, and I hers.
She didn't have a partner who would pass on happy tales of her childhood.

More likely to tell what an awkward mare she could be!

He couldn't know what her birth was like

Thats your experience though. Not your DDs. Nobody remembers their own birth!

That tale would not be about her if would be about you! You having her,