Child arrangement court order

My daughter died, hithere.
I haven't got any more children.

DH will know which of my childhood memories meant the most to me

My parents remember the parts of parenting that meant the most to them

So DHs version would be much more "me"

Her partner would tell about the woman he knew, and the things she had told him about her childhood.
He couldn't know what her birth was like, he wouldn't know about her more memorable tantrums, and what caused them.
Often we can't remember that stuff ourselves, we have to ask our parents. (Assuming that is, that they're not narcissistic, gun toting kidnappers, of course!)

Missadventure,
Following your logic, why don't your memories also belong to your adult children? Why do they jump a generation?

When we talk to our children about past holidays or homes it is amazing how differently they remember them to us. They are the memories they will tell their partners, whereas we will always remember the bits that stuck out to us.

E.g. DHs dad takes pride in his memories of their father/son fishing trips..
Whereas I know that DH has many fond memories of his dad but he HATED those fishing trips!

They are YOUR memories though MissAdventure, not your DDs.

Your DDs whispy toddler hair may not have been a significant part of HER childhood to HER.

The stories she would tell about herself are the truest to her and often would be what a partner or friend would repeat.

Your examples are your memories of being a parent. Not your DDs memories of being a child IYKWIM

That's you though.
Every single family is different.
I can tell my grandchildren about their mums blonde wispy hair, tied up in a 'palm tree', about what she liked to eat, what stories she enjoyed, about the time she was bridesmaid, about her winning the 3 legged race.

A whole lifetime of memories, and the thing is, they are memories, not just things passed on.

They belong to me, and to her children.

Well DHs versions would be far more "me" he would re-tell my stories and memories as I told him

My mother would tell her "spin" / perspective. Which would be her memories rather than mine.

The kids would get a much better sense of who I am and who I was from DH

We are married. He is my chosen family. He knows how I feel about my life events/history. My mother knows how she feels about those events.... not the same thing at all.

She would describe a person that no one who knows me would recognise as me!

I like to think I know more about my daughter as a child than anyone else.

If the deceased parents' side of the family are cut off, then who is going to be able to answer questions about what their daddy/mummy was like.

Their other parent can!

DH knows me better than anyone. He knows all about my childhood.

If the deceased parents' side of the family are cut off, then who is going to be able to answer questions about what their daddy/mummy was like.

I think it's extremely cruel, and it has happened to a user on here whose daughter died.

Their dad packed them up and moved away.

Thinking about Nonnie's point, as I understand it - If a child's parent dies and the remaining parent estranges them from the deceased parent's relatives, then the child may not be told much about that part of their heritage. It's not necessarily the case but very likely. Unfortunate, I agree, but not the end of the world for the child. As long as they are brought up in a happy, stable home they will probably be ok (not talking about the loss of meaningful relationships here, just about the loss of connection w/ a heritage).

However, today, it is easier than ever to learn about one's heritage. It may not happen till the child is older, but, if they're interested, they can learn about the "missing" heritage online, via books, etc.

In fact, if they are so inclined, they can search out their dead parent's family tree online - and sometimes get more - and more accurate - information than they would from relatives, LOL! Is it nicer to learn all this from the people, themselves, and hear family anecdotes, etc. Yes, I think so. My point is just that they won't miss out on their deceased parent's heritage entirely if they don't have contact w/ those relatives.

I'm glad you were strong enough not to let your mother do that, Razz.

Maybe we have estranged each other, I wanted an apology and validation for my experience and counselling to work on our relationship for the future. She wanted me to pretend it didn't happen and accept her treating me like poo again.

I suppose technically, my mother estranged permanently from me too. I asked for counselling together and was ignored. She has now moved leaving no forwarding details.

My comments are vanishing, I need to learn to Internet better. I tried to comment that I talk about my childhood to my children, all the positive and some of the sad. Never the awful though, they shouldn't carry my burdens. Luckily they disliked her for themselves. If they had had a good relationship I would have let them go older, not younger and unequipped to deal with interigation or manipulation though. The rest of my family estranged from me. So I carry no guilt for that.

Smileless

"This is a complete waste of time and going around and around in ever decreasing circles is making me dizzy."

We can finally agree on something

Lets face it, estranged or not, if both your GCs parents are alive & around and you start describing yourself as half the childs family... well youre gonna have problems one way or another!

They may not pass it on the way you chose to pass it on to your children, but that is natural and normal even in non estranged families.

E.g. the GP may have maintained a strict catholic household
The AC may be athiests. But they were still raised catholic . A lapsed catholic can still answer the childs questions with authority on the subject. They may continue some of the rituals/traditions(or not) but it remains their cultural background and thus is passed down to the GC, al beit in a different way. The connection to the culture is not lost if the parent is there.

Culture morphs with every generation anyway. It is not the GPs place to teach it to the GCs the way they taught it to their own kids.

Whatever culture/religion you raised you son as Smileless, it is now his culture and upbringing.

Your son is his childs main connection to it. He is not cut off from that culture so long as he has his pareng who was raised with it.

This is a complete waste of time and going around and around in ever decreasing circles is making me dizzy.

Of course it is! Say GPs raised their AC in X religion

Either:
1. AC raise their children in that religion
2. AC raise their children with elements of that religion, blending it with their partners culture and new traditions
3. AC decide not to raise their AC in that religion, however having been themself raised with it, they are a sufficient authority on it and can still speak knowledgebly about it to their children

I do not need to know which the AC chose to know that they are able to pass their own culture onto the child! And if they do decide it is best to sanitise parts of it, thats their place too!

It is the parents, not GPs role to decide how to filter it down to the next generation, and they are well placed to having been themselves raised with it! Unless of course they were not raised with cultural references, in which case the GPs arent much of an authority on it themselves are they?

notanan It is hard perhaps to picture how different adults operate within their decision to estrange from another person, and whatever their reasons for the estrangement logically would impact on how they decide to deal with their decision, with their children! I worked with someone a while ago who had estranged from her parents for reasons I personally thought were valid, and I think estrangement is a last resort and only valid in very very particular circumstances. It would probably have been easier if she had been able to do it earlier. She made the decision to never discuss her parents with her young children, despite them having had a close relationship with their GC until the twins were 5 years old. If they asked any questions she told them their grandparents didnt want to see them. If they asked about her own childhood she said she didnt want to talk about it. Her twins would now be in their 20's and I dont know how things have worked out. It was her decision to operate like that within her estrangement which was her prerogative. Her children quickly learnt not to ask.

It's not odd at all notanan and neither is it nonsense. How on earth would you know how all EAC are when it comes to talking about, or not talking about their families?

Our ES and his wife prevented our GS from talking about his family to his uncle. I wonder how you became such an expert on the entire subject of estrangement. Disagree with me by all means but don't tell me that my opinion is absolute nonsense because it isn't the same as yours.

Ah I see nonnie, yes that makes sense to me.

Nonnie Madgran77 Wed 28-Aug-19 16:51:51 another reasonable post

Thanks!