Siblings and wider family

Yes the best things are mutual @Toadinthehole Anything one way is exhausting and painful, like unrequited love.

We tried for 25 years to have good relationships with my in laws. Sometimes it was better than others, but once it started affecting the children, we broke away completely, 20 years ago. The best thing we ever did. I always say there’s many difficult/ unpleasant people out there, and some of us are unfortunately related to them. This life is too short for all this animosity. Best to put your energy into people you love....and who love you back.

My ES1 abandoned his GP , Aunty's Uncles , cousins and siblings as well as us and so far that's what my ES2 has done. Sad! So sad for all families affected!

It's sad for those individuals too because they are most likely only upset with their parents and then end up alone with no one. Or at least with no one from their birth family. They must surely feel sad.

My sons in law are estranged from their fallen out families. I think down to different views on financial matters and side taking.

It's so hurtful isn't it Llyn.

My mother has lost her only GGC because of our son's estrangement from us and Mr. S.'s mum has lost 2 of hers.

I think a lot of it is about control Nonnie. For some, if you don't agree with them then you're against them which means you become their enemy.

I agree that you should be able to remain in contact with the person or people someone's fallen out with. What would it have been like for our DS if we'd made him feel guilty for keeping in touch with his brother and nephews?

There are many repercussions of estrangement. Maybe some just don't look that far ahead and consider that they may be teaching their own children by example, something that they may later regret.

As far as inheritance goes, I don't understand why someone whose refused contact with a family member would expect to be a beneficiary, but no doubt there are some who do.

So many really sad stories. It does sound as if much of it has to do with control. I can't understand why falling out with one person means you also have to fall out with their friends or family. We have a dear friend who is divorced and we are still friends with her ex-DH, why not? I think they should be separate issues.

I wonder what happens as time goes on and children grow up thinking that cutting people out of lives is the right thing to do. Do they feel it is OK to cut their parents out? What happens when a parent dies and leaves everything to other people, does that cause issues?

Just musing.

I can totally identify with the hurt that 'taking sides' causes. My relationship with my sister broke down a few years ago and her (adult) children decided to cut contact with me. I have no idea why, they haven't even had the good grace to hear my side. I'm not even aware of what I'm supposed to have done and suspect that they've been fed a lot of lies by their mother.

She has also managed to cut off all of her husband's many siblings and their families but she thinks none of this is her fault.

I've put a physical distance between them and myself but it still hurts that I've been shut out so unfairly and without explanation

It really does Dawn. I'm so jealous of friends who have strong bonds with their mums... I don't know if jealous is the right word, I just want that too.

Estrangement is one of the hardest things to deal with. It cuts to the very core of our being.

I have often heard it said that families are everything and that you can always depend on family. But not so. When it is good it is very good but when it is bad it is rotten. Nothing hurts like family.

Some people are just so controlling that they micromanage everyone around them. Anyone disagreeing is a threat somehow. It's weird.

My older sister doesn’t talk to my me or my mother but she still sees my younger sister. My husband and I are still friends with my older sister’s estranged husband. Can you see a pattern here?

It's interesting isn't it. paddyann's sister sounds like you sister Bradfordlass and Cassie's ES sounds like our ES's wife!

paddyann Sounds like my sister.
When Mum was terminally ill (she had emigrated to be with me in NZ some years before, because my sister made it clear she wouldn't care for her as she got less able) Mum wrote to ask her to fly out and see her one last time.

My sister said Mum should send the money as she could use it but she wasn't going to visit, and 'oh by the way, sell your house before you die and send me my share.'

She'd been Mum's favourite child all her life, very much indulged. What a payback

That was our situation with our ES's wife Cassie. A difference of opinion, a different point of view was an 'attack'.

If you weren't for her 100%, and by that I mean in total agreement with everything she said and did, you were against her.

As my other children did not agree with my elder [ now estranged son ], he decided that he would no longer have anything to do with them.
This has been part of our estrangement, if I disagreed with anything he said, or tried to voice my own opinion, then I was the one in the wrong. The same with his siblings, they have tried to voice their opinions on what is happening, but he sees it as them taking "my side" so no longer wants to know them.

Makes you wonder how many families are out there just torn to shreds because of one person's behaviour and blaming the wrong person for it.

My sister chose to go NC with us, her siblings, when she and her husband estranged from our parents. Ironically, I had told my parents expressly that I wouldn't be taking sides or acting as a mediator (they agreed that this wasn't my role), and I had never indicated to her that I was on anyone's "side" or wanted an explanation as to what had happened.

My AIL threw a wobbly when she found out that Hubby (an adult) had been contacting her ex-husband on occasion. She felt that because they had divorced, anybody in the family choosing to contact him was a personal betrayal of her. Consequently she became Aunt Who We Don't See. We have maintained a positive relationship with UIL and have visited his family. We found him and his new wife to be charming, gracious hosts, and their children are lovely.

That must have been very difficult for you paddyann. Her tears at your mum's funeral do sound like crocodile tears.

What's the point of being at someone's funeral when you weren't there for them while they were alive.

My brother sided with my mum, as in he cut me off unless I had a relationship with her and before he cut me off, he repeated all the lies she has told him about me and was pretty nasty. Even though I knew she was saying most of it, it was so much worse coming from him. I'd probably still have a relationship with him if he agreed not to discuss her. He has been abused too, just controlled and manipulated rather than scapegoated.

It depends on what you regard as taking sides and we don't know from Cassie what she meant by that.

Some regard not agreeing with them and thinking what they've done is right or justified as taking sides.

Our DS has remained in contact with his brother throughout our estrangement and we don't regard that as him taking sides. They're brothers and as he's the only family member our ES has any contact with, we're thankful that they remain in contact.

Sadly for some it's all or nothing; if you're not for me you're against me.

my sister sort of abdicated when my dad died so she wouldn't have to care for our mother who had ongoing health problems.She even stopped her children from waving in grannies window on their way past from school .She didn't see or speak to any of us for 12 years .When her daughter got married we weren't invited .
She did turn up in floods of tears at mums funeral..with her in laws supporting her.My mother would have said they were crocodile tears.Since mum died 15 years ago I have spent an hour in that sisters company and only because a visiting cousin invited her to my home .She couldn't get away quick enough ...but she was very plausable when telling the cousin how much she loved and missed our mum...believe that if you like ,I didn't!

But they did ‘take sides’ as it indicates- they sided with Cassie. Hard to not take it as taking sides when that’s precisely what it is. Neutrality is absolutely possible (and should be encouraged if there’s to be any hope of reunion!)

It must be difficult as a mother Cassie, I've focused very hard on good sibling relationships after my experience and I'd be gutted if they stopped talking to each other.

It's a shame Cassie that some cannot accept that others disagree with them and so are viewed as taking sides.

Estrangement from elder child has meant he decided to cut off all family, siblings, grandparents etc. As they sided with me he felt he would no longer have contact with any of them.