*SUPPORT* for all who are living with estrangement

PetitFromage Congratulations! Hope all goes well as you move forward with new found contact and a new Grandchild x

I am in a very dark place today dreading the first xmas and first birthday of the grandchild i am not allowed to see, i wish i had more strength to get through this, my hubby has had a few falls over the last few weeks, part of his condition, i keep thinking how can she not care, she hasn't seen him for many months, and i dared to question her about not visiting him, part of me now wishes i had not said anything so i could still see my grandson, but my husband is a lovely man, has always been a wonderful father to her

Muffin, I am sorry for your pain xx

Talk to us here muffin even though it's Christmas day tomorrow, I'll pop on just in case you need to talk.

IMO the first Christmas' and birthdays for both our GC were the hardest; it doesn't get any harder than this.

You'll get through this just as you've got through every heartbreaking day since this nightmare began. You wont know how you managed too, but manage you will. None of us know how we did it but we did, and how we continue to do so, but we do.

You'll get through this for the lovely man you married and the lovely father he was and wants to be to your D.

You'll get through this because you are not alone. We are here for you and will help in anyway we can.

I'll be here until we go out this evening and when we come back.

Stay strong muffin you can do this; you've done it so far and you'll carry on doing it xxx.

Just want to say thank you to all of you, i keep reading all the posts, and you are all so supportive and welcoming , I am in a very dark place today dreading the first xmas and first birthday of the grandchild i am not allowed to see, i wish i had more strength to get through this, my hubby has had a few falls over the last few weeks, part of his condition, i keep thinking how can she not care, she hasn't seen him for many months, and i dared to question her about not visiting him, part of me now wishes i had not said anything so i could still see my grandson, but my husband is a lovely man, has always been a wonderful father to her .
A friend i hadn't seen in a while brought me a xmas gift for grandson yesterday, and i just burst into tears, having to explain it all.
I was getting through the days a bit better but now with xmas and grandson's birthday in a few weeks, please tell me how i can get through it?
Hiding in the bathroom now so hubby doesn't see me upset.

Congratulations *PF this is wonderful news to have on Christmas Eve. Thank goodness all is well and your D and new GD are safe and well.

A lovely post Cherries.

A Happy and Peaceful Christmas to you lavenderzen and all my dear friends here. As this year comes near to its end, I have once again be overwhelmed by the love, support and encouragement here on this support thread.

If I had a new year's wish it would be for every single EP/GP to find us here and benefit from the friendships we have built.

'Merry Christmas' to you all xx

I just wanted to wish Smileless and everyone here a Happy and Peaceful Christmas. You are such a huge support for each other during difficult and happy times.

Congratulations, PetitFromage, on the safe arrival of your second grandchild!

Please don't be ashamed about some of the content which you posted previously. We are all on journeys which are far from straightforward and may benefit considerably from the acknowledgement of difficult thoughts and feelings as we read - and partly identify with - aspects of your and other people's posts. A sorrow or worry shared may indeed be a sorrow or worry diminished or made at least temporarily containable and bearable. We know, too, that how we interpret things and feel this morning may not be exactly how we interpret things and feel six or more months from now. Relationship dynamics can fluctuate and those estranging us may well decide to start venturing off this destructive path for a variety of reasons.

When reconnection (or a better connection, in the case of partial estrangement) happens, what reasons do the formerly estranging parties give for taking an active and focussed role in trying to bring this about?

How fortunate we are to have this forum and to know that we are not alone.

Good wishes to everyone at this poignant time of the year.

How lovely Petitfromage x

Thank you so much Pantglas, Smileless and hugs for your lovely, supportive posts. I can't begin to tell you how much you have helped me over the last few months, my dear friends.

Anyway, DGD2 is finally here, born by another emergency C section a few hours ago. I was so worried as I had heard nothing for many hours and it was clearly a very difficult time, but she is here and mother and baby are safe and well.

I feel so relieved and joyful and grateful - also ashamed for my earlier moans and doubts. Who knows what lies ahead for any of us but, for now, I feel so, so happy and emotional.

Thank you and also wishing you love, peace and joy this Christmas! xx

Oh my goodness, so many posts to stir the emotions!
Some beautiful posts. Wonderful poem. Hoping everything goes really well PF.
Too emotionally stirred to think what else to say except to wish you all love and peace at Christmas time.

Thank you Chewbacca.

To all of you who have a loved one missing from their table, for whatever reason, this Christmas, I wish you Peace and as much Joy and Happiness as it is possible to find.

Smileless; you've been hiding your poetry writing skills under a bushel, haven't you! That was beautiful.

Dear PF I remember when we were waiting for out first GC to be born, a mixture of emotions. Eager anticipation, envisaging the joy, concern that all would be well for mother and child and an underlying sense of fear, although at the time I didn't know why I was fearful.

That was before the estrangement so you're bound to be feeling all of those things and some.

"So does she want me this time?" yes, she does which is why she's sending you updates and sent the photo of herself looking "so happy". She wants you to know and be a part of what's happening.

Those waves come when they come. You don't need to look for them, so don't look at the calm waters that are stretched out before you right now, and think you can see one when it isn't there to be seen.

You have shed your skin and emotionally you are naked and vulnerable, just as your D was when she told you you already had a GC. She didn't know how you'd react, she hoped you loved her enough to continue with your relationship, just as you hope she loves you enough to be sincere.

I can hardly wait to see your post that all is well and you have another beautiful GD. I can't wait to feel the joy in your post when you tell us, just as I can feel the love you have for D in today's and your fear.

You have been missed Pantglas, it's so good to have you posting again.

Thank you for your kind words Petitfromage (still want to type Dolcelatte!). I understand your ever changing emotions, back and forth between joy that you’re reconciled and something approaching anger and despair that it ever happened!

And no, “she doesn’t realise the damage she’s done!” How could she, until her beloved child does it to her? And you love her too much to even want it to hurt her as much is it hurt you, don’t you?

So you weep alone, less often but occasionally just as hard. And I promise you that years later it gets easier to forget that horrible time but there will be other things, little niggles, which will sting. And as her loving mother, you’ll be the bigger person again - biting your tongue and ignoring the odd uncaring remark or behaviour.

I could rattle of a list of little things that have irritated me since our reconciliation but I choose to see the bigger picture and so must you Petitfromage. We’ve got what we wanted and it may not be all that we want, but it’s better than the alternative isn’t it?

Have a lovely Christmas x

Smileless, your DH sounds adorable!

It has all started, she is sending me regular updates, including a photo and she looks so happy. I love her so much and I just want her and baby to be safe and well. So why am I so snappy and emotional and weepy? I have managed to keep it from DD2 and DD3, who are now home and have happily gone shopping together. I spoke to DH this morning who says, in the kindest way, you can get over it or not get over it.

I am struggling at the moment and feel that I am imposing here. I have so much to be grateful for and yet I feel cut to pieces, that I have shed a skin, naked and vulnerable.

Smileless, your advice is so sound - about the waves, and getting soaked, and shaking yourself down - until the next time.

Baby should be here today, but she didn’t need or want me last time, so does she want me this time? Is it casual or calculated cruelty? Probably the former, but cruelty it still is. How do I get beyond this?

Welcome back Pantglas, I have missed you as I find your posts so reassuring and you are further down the road from me. I want it to be ok but does she not realise how much damage she has done? The rational part of me just says that she is happy and that is all that matters and I need to stamp on my horribly self indulgent feelings because no good can come of it. I pray for them to go and often my prayers are answered. I just don’t know why I feel like this today, of all days, when I should feel so happy, when DD1 and I should be united by a mother’s bond. I just feel exhausted, that I want DD and baby to be safe and then I want to sleep for a long, long time.

Xx

Already renewed, just one year at a time though to keep him on his toes

SmilelessA beautiful and heartfelt poem. And I’m sure many of us can relate to what you felt .
Mr.S was very kind to that girl as she is probably traumatized . I would say to renew his Husband contract for at least another year.

Thank you lavenderzen, Madgran, PF and Starlady. It's been a long time since I wrote any poetry.

Not a good start to the day. A young lady who has only just past her driving test has backed into Mr. S's. van!! She lives up the road and it was only a week ago that she still had her 'L' plates on.

She said she would pay so Mr. S. got a quote for the damage, £250 so not too bad and they can repair it on New Year's eve. Bless her, that's probably less than her excess as she's a NQD.

He was very sweet and told her because it's on a hill and drops down where the parking bays are, it's not easy to reverse park there, and suggested next time she goes in head first.

I always do as reverse parking and me just don't get along.

Such a beautiful, moving poem, Smileless! It brought tears to my eyes. Wishing peace to you and everyone here during this season and as the New Year begins.

Thank you, Rhinestone! Happy Holidays to you, as well, and everyone here!

That is beautiful Smileless

Smileless It says so much for so many people at different stages in an estrangement process. Christmas must be a very hard time for so many. x

Smileless

A poem for our estranged son for Christmas

Once a year I fantasise
Just once a year, no more
I dream that you are standing there
And knocking on our door.

Do stay with me as I continue to dream
You are there when I open the door
Despite all that has past, when I see you there
I couldn't love you more.

The love I feel, you feel it too
I can see it in your eyes
Despite all that we have been through
Our love for each other survives.

The anger and pain is washed away
In a heartbeat, the bitterness has gone
So I open my arms in a loving embrace
To do anything less would be wrong.

This is where my fantasy ends
It's exactly the same every year
Staying focused in that moment in time
The sheer joy of having you here.

Maybe one day it wont be a dream
You'll be there, knocking on our door
We'll have our dear son, back in our lives
Our estrangement will be no more.

What a lovely unselfish sentiment Rhinestone.