Thinking of you, hugs
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Today is a new day and the shortest day. Now the light will be longer and the nights and the darkness shorter. Remember all those people who love you and care for you and think what a lovely Christmas you will have with them. You have used ES's birthday as a time for remembering him, and rightly so, but don't let your feelings of regret over the past cloud the future or overshadow the joy there is to be had in life. It is just one segment of your life that is not ok. Alright, it is a segment that goes right through to the centre and cutting the segment out is excruciating, but it is still only a segment, a fragment of you and your life.
You are a wonderful, compassionate person - as is clear form your supportive posts on this thread. If DS is not currently in your life, it is his loss. I believe that he will come to realise this in time, but you can't let this stop you from living in the present or embracing all of the positives.
Sending you love and prayers and all good things for Christmas xx
PS Still waiting but Monday is the long stop date.