Estrangement and Elderly Abuse

There is no way I will let my nildren wipe my bottom or shower me one day. Even if they are willing and able. I don't want their last memories of me that way. I want to be remembered as the mother who was alway there for them. That's who I am. Not a friend, not a burden... Their parent.

And it can go the other way. When an IL was dying she had sparce care but was absolutely mortified at the idea that any family would do personal care. All she had left was her dignity she said. So we did nothing but social visits because thats what she wanted. The carers must have thought we were reluctant to help in practical ways but that wasnt the case

Oh yes Wixend its a common scenario

The parent firing carers and rehab etc because they "manage fine without it"

But their idea of managing fine without care = their family members making themselves ill doing it all!

They dont see family help as "care" even if family are doing full time care AND holding down jobs too!

Grannysyb, my mother has always said that too. She had 4 daughters. That’s what I call forward planning!
Thing is, she’s in her ninetys now and still hale and hearty. We are all there for her even though we don’t live on her doorstep.

You are right of course, but it may also depend on the circs. I have heard of many cases where an elderly person in need of help/care, stubbornly and persistently refuses to accept it from anyone but a son or daughter - usually a daughter - even though they are well able to pay for it. The person 'won't have strangers in the house' or some such reason.

All very well if the daughter has the time and is happy to do it, but nowadays many do not, since they still need to work, and/or are needed to help look after grandchildren.

I know personally of one case where the elderly person, who was very well off, was just too tight to shell out, and expected family and friends to do it 'for love'.

Lay in the "bed" they made..

Lying in the med sounds entirely more desirable

I also think that you cannot suddently materialise a close family support system just when it is beneficial to you. It has to be pre existing!

Often on here you see GPs lamenting that they dont see new baby GC as much as their friends see their GC. On questioning it often turns out that they had very little to do with their AC before they reproduced, but then expected to be in their inner fold when there was a child added to the mix.

The same goes for the elderly and infirm. A family that isnt close in times of wellness cannot easily become close in times of stress/illness/frailty!

I do think that some people lay in the med they made in that respect

Walking away from a relationship is an end to treating someone badly. I very much doubt a genuine abusive person would do that for good

Quite! People who wish to inflict harm seek proximity to their victims

Elder abuse is as real as carer abuse.

Just go to care&carers section of the forum and read the stories.

Walking away from a relationship is an end to treating someone badly. I very much doubt a genuine abusive person would do that for good. Silent treatment perhaps. I walked away and taught my children they don't need to put up with abuse.

I had a near neighbour who was in her nineties - she did get support from relations - another neighbour used to urge me to visit her as company but she was thoroughly disagreeable and I stopped going!

When adults treat their own parents badly, they should remember that their own children are watching the situation and learning how it is acceptable to behave!

That is precisely why people DO go Nc. To break cycles and not role model bad relationships.

This is probably why estrangements peak a bit when people have children of their own!

When adults treat their own parents badly, they should remember that their own children are watching the situation and learning how it is acceptable to behave!

Keep in mind, too, that sometimes children simply don't or can't live close enough to be constantly visiting their parents.

Growing up, we lived 6 hours' drive from my grandparents. Granted, Dad did have siblings who lived much closer. But Dad had a good job, and the kind of work he did was one that wouldn't have been available to him in my grandparents' area.

We live four hours' drive from my parents. Now, they're still in pretty reasonable shape. But it will be close to three years before we would be able to move closer to them, because DSD is still in school. She does live with us full-time now (long story), but I have no doubt her mum would pitch a fit if we moved.

Sometimes, too, people have children who have health issues themselves and need care. Plus there are people who genuinely have no family - I have come across it on occasion.

I totally agree with M0nica, two sides to every story. Don’t judge before you know all the facts.

I worked for a family for a long time caring for their elderly mother, 4 siblings who paid between them. I enjoyed the job and she was full of interesting stories. It had a dark side though. Her children, I watched her drive wedges between them. Pass on stories. Complain about 1 to the other. I listened to her put them down to their faces, to each other, to me. She destroyed the relationship between two of them and so many times I wanted to reach out and explain to them what she was doing. She put me down a lot too, but I am a very patient person and very tolerant of it after my own NM. The less her children visited, the more she came to rely on me and would treat me better until she forgot herself.

In a way, it alleviated some of the guilt I feel that I will not be there for my NM in her old age. The idea of my siblings doing it... Well, they are loved better, but just like her. They won't.

People take care of their elderly parents out of love, balancing it with their own lives and obligations.

I wouldn't want a child who didn't love me to look after me elderly. To be that vulnerable and in the presence of an angry resentful person? Best that sort of child walks away.

I have another relative who has chosen to buy in the middle of nowhere and wouldnt consider anywhere built up enough to have public transport.

Which would be fine if they didnt expect to be shopped for and driven on a regular basis.

They moved there in old age. Its not like they had already been there for years.

I know they complain about being somewhat neglected. And do rope in samaritans for a while until they end up taking advantage and then fall out with them too. (E.g. needs to be taken to the shops, but wont do a weekly shop because they refuse to run a full sized fridge freezer, so insist that they can only do little shops consisting entirely of perishables a couple of times a week)

Notanan2
Spot on as usual

Look at May-December marriages, most are much younger women than men ..

I am always wary about these stories about loving devoted parents deserted by selfish children.

There are always two sides to stories like this. Every neglected parent will tell the story of their devotion to their children, how they did everything for them etc etc, but quite often if you have a chance to look any deeper, you find it is not quite that simple and often the parent/child relationship has never been good, the parent is nowhere as wonderful as they say they were.

I worked for what is now Age UK as a volunteer home visitor for 10 years and visited hundreds of old people. I remember visiting a very elderly man, recently widowed, with six children, none of whom could look after him. I visited this poor old man wracked by grief, describing how much he loved and missed his wife, describing the perfect marriage relationship and how proud he was of his children.

A few months later I visited another client on the same estate. As she answered the door, she looked over my shoulder to an elderly man walking past and said 'Oh, there's that horrible Mr Smith', Looking to the road, I saw my devastated widower client. As we walked into the house my new client commented. 'Nobody likes him, he used to beat up his wife and kids. They chucked him out of the pub recently because he threatened someone with his walking stick.

As I said, I am wary about these tragic tales of loving parents deserted by their children.

Hetty58
We are on the same page.

I also feel that some people are hard to help. E.g. our rellie that insisted on buying a "characterful" cottage with split levels and spiral staircase when they "downsized" in retirement. Predictably, when they had an op they couldnt cope at home during recovery and expected to be put up or have us move in with them for a few weeks.

I don't think thats fair. They outright refused to consider any property that had any hint of being suitable for "retirees" then expect us to take 2 weeks off work at a time to help them stay there!

It grates!

Grannysyb
You met my parents, uh?

They also said they had kids because they wanted grandkids.

The brunt of the expectations still fall to women.

I know too many women who work full time AND either care for GC or have AC living at home AND care for their parents/PILs too!

Its always women! I know men that do one or the other but none that do the "triple whammy".

Also, although I know men who do care for their own parents, I do not know any who do anything more than sporadic care for their parents in law! I do know many women who provide almost full time care for their ILs on top of working.

When women say no to these duties its shocking and shameful. Yet men can still offload the daily drudge onto their female partners or sisters and still get praised for their sporadic contributions

Perhaps in most cases where family declines to participate in caring for elderly it may have nothing to do with the elderly person themselves but the entire aging process in general, the whole kit and kaboodle of it-