Unbearable sadness- blocked with no reason from 4 GK

They wants a London Underground train cake! Thank God they're not into castles with turrets. I can manage an oblong cake with no crenellations. I think it's inspired by the day I took them on the tube to the London Transport Museum.

Hithere,
I am interested in knowing why you think that my post is a "poor me your family is so mean to me"? You sound like an interesting person.

Good for you! Your deserve to be happy.

Westerlywind,
So sorry to read you comments. Being assaulted is tremendously damaging and I was sorry to read you didn't report it. I would keep a record of it, when where and how it happened - just in case its happens again- and I sincerely hope it doesn't. No one should put up with physical violence in a family. Please take care of yourself.

The babysitting came before the estrangement, it wasn't that the relationship with this dear child happened because of the estrangement, it just really developed naturally as time went on. It just ended up that the time I would have spent with the grandchildren is now spent with a really delightful child who just happens not to have grandparents they can spend time with.

LondonGranny, What a smart idea you have, to fill the hole in your heart. I may explore this idea as well. I have a male colleague whose daughter has forbidden him to see his grandkids. After a year of depression, he joined a big brother group and is now a surrogate parent (not a grandparent) to a young child with whom he has a great relationship with. Similar idea, thank you for sharing.

As I've mentioned on GN before I am not allowed contact with my grandchildren either. It breaks my heart but what has helped is being a sort of surrogate gran to a child who has no living grandparents in the UK and a grandad in NZ with advanced dementia.

I'm called 'Auntie B' but it is to all intents and purposes a grandma / grandchild relationship. It started with babysitting when they were two (eight at the end of Nov and I'm making the cake). It's a joy to have that relationship. I can't pretend I don't think of my grandchildren daily but being Auntie B has really helped at least partially fill the hole in my heart. Love has to go somewhere.

Anna4
Do you want blind "poor you your family is so mean to you" messages with no insight on your circumstances instead?

Several of these postings are from non- grandmums, and are members of Mumsnet, who are presumably grappling with their own estrangement with their own mothers. It is unfortunate that they are choosing to criticize legitimate grandmothers on this forum. I think it's obvious who they are, and how they are enjoying the anonymity of online posts that are clearly insensitive, unfair and demeaning to the original poster.

But that wasn’t the OP’s choice, Urmstongran. She’s been cut off since Christmas and hasn’t been allowed to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

Sorry but I thought this was telling I am also a grandmother of 4 children from two daughters. I have not seen my grand kids for 10 months - since xmas time last year

Bluddy hell. Whatever way you look at it, that’s a long time.

I’m a firm believer that you get out of a relationship what you put into it.

Kaimegan,

You are lucky you have not been charged YET. You are certainly playing with fire and unless you stop, you will get burned.

Your gc are not deprived. Presenrs are not needed for survival.
This catastrophic vocabulary is not helping your case.

" When I die my pain will die with me but for my grand children they will live with the pain of not knowing why a loving grandmother was suddenly out of their lives. "
This screams projection on your end.
They may think about you (or not) but they certainly do not center their lives around it.

I agree with Holyhannah, especially in the email part.
Those emails are key to know what dd2 thinks, possibly dd1.
I am not asking you to publish them, just for you to re-read them when you are ready.
Did your therapist see those emails?

Kaimegan

If you've been told not to send things and you continue to do so, that's defined as harassment. That's very unlikely to get you back into their good graces - you've demonstrated that you aren't willing to respect their boundaries. Please do not wait until you are charged. Stop violating their boundaries now.

Due to sons wife I have not bee allowed contact with grandchildren since 2012, or with son. He allows it to keep the peace or she threatens to take the children and return to Ukraine. She has made phone calls to my daughters work place pretending to be me - so daughter has stopped access to her children - so I have lost son, daughter, and 4 grand children, through one jealous, manipulative person. Many grandparents are in same position- at meeting on Sept. 4th in Parliament it is believed 1 in 7 grand children are not allowed to see grandparents. It appears it is always daughter in laws or daughters take this action. No one seems to take action for the children who have rights. What effect this has on their mental health? It is called coercive control- deemed to be the same as domestic violence with up to 5 years in prison- but no one acting on it. My hope is that we can change the law so children have the same rights as in France where it is accepted that they have contact with wider family. We have some support from MP's but Brexit is holding this up. In mean time our grand children are bullied by their narcissistic mothers and because of age and ill health time for grandparents is running out. When I die my pain will die with me but for my grand children they will live with the pain of not knowing why a loving grandmother was suddenly out of their lives. I have sent presents, money and letters to their schools and this has brought police to my door with claims of harassment. No charges so I continue. Sons wife sometimes returns items - so children are deprived of even getting gifts. I do wonder how a mother can be so cruel to their own children.

Anna4 -- I agree with Hithere on the the faux apology thing. My mother always gave the, "I'm sorryyou feel that way." or "I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I did." both of these are insulting, don't recognize or acknowledge whatever happened and then, because she never actually saw what the issue(s) was, she would go on and repeat the same behavior.

It is easy to blame your ex for issues in your relations with your daughters. However, one of the ways EP's avoid looking at their own behavior is to blame a 'third party influencer'. Maybe your ex is trying to alienate your children but that doesn't mean they don't have any legitimate issues with your interactions with them going on at the same time.

"My one D1 with BPD, also assaulted me twice and earned herself a police record. While she is now married, I don't believe her husband has any idea of her past. I do not and won't share this with my SIL as the news will probably affect their marriage." This is troubling to me. You are assuming that her husband doesn't know and it sounds like you may be holding this over her head, like, "If you don't do '****' I'll tell your hubby what a bad girl you used to be."

"I like my SIL despite the fact that he says all comms go through my D1, so I don't even have his direct email to reach out to him." This is a normal and healthy boundary in marriages and you are admitting to trying to triangulate. It is, "I can't get what I want by talking directly to D1 so I'll try to back-door past her by talking to her husband."

"I received emails from her the next day saying that I was undeserving of being a grandmother, and that she was cutting me out of her life." You need to read those e-mails again. This is the classic, "I don't know why they've cut me off." You do know why. It's in those e-mails.

"I've been writing them asking them for a' healing conversation'. I've sent them old photos of me with them when they were little, and asked them for their maturity and perspective on this problem." If I were in your daughters' place I would see the photo's as a guilt trip and there is no 'healing conversation' possible while you fail to acknowledge what was in those e-mails. Also, insinuating that because they don't see things your way they are not being mature, is a further wedge in your relationship.

I think we are all so upset by these estrangements that we are shamed or guilt-tripped into silence. I had no idea there were so many other grandparents in the same situation as me.
My DD is always banging on about parental alienation because her DC live with another family member. She cant see that she is alienating her parent? She didn't use to be as daft as this. She is also alienating her DC.
I was also assaulted by DC and I have refused to make reports. I didnt realise that other grandparents were being assaulted too.
I was constantly being asked to pay for this or that, assurances of the money being paid back which it has not.
I have stepped back. I worry about my DGC. They don't get much of a life. They mix in areas of extreme deprivation. They don't stand a chance with their circumstances. They also don't stand a chance with the conduct going on around them. They have already started to talk to me in the same abusive terms as their parents.

They will need you before you'll need them !

I'm so sorry to read this and can only imagine your distress.

I actually agree with Hithere. You need time to process your own thoughts and emotions, to allow yourself time to find some strength!

"I did expel my D1 from my house after she assaulted me several times, last time being 18 years ago. I view our relationship as civil and distant. "

I am sorry, but this is anything but civil.
Why would you want to have a relationship with a person who physically abuses you? In your own home? Don't you worry about your own safety?
What made her assault you 18 years ago? If it happened once, it can happen again.

"because I changed a diaper wrong and wasn't paying attention to one of her 3 babies."
I think the diaper incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. By itself, it means nothing but it makes sense looking at the bigger picture.

Being accused of not paying attention to 1 of the 3 babies is significant. Was it the first time it was mentioned to you? Have your word "favouritism" ever been said?

Your update seems to highlight there has been trouble in your nuclear family for a long time.
Was there also emotional abuse in your home while your kids were growing up?

"I've been writing them asking them for a' healing conversation'. I've sent them old photos of me with them when they were little, and asked them for their maturity and perspective on this problem. "

Please stop contacting your dd1, dd2 and ex.
The more you contact them, the more they will push you away.
They know where to find you if they want.
The "healing conversation" will only work if you are willing to hear what they have to say, not to make them understand where you are coming from.
Same for your dd1 and dd2, willing to listen and together being able to negotiate the new boundaries of the relationship
Emotions are too high now on both sides. This healing meeting will set you further apart from your goal.

Concentrate on healing yourself, without them.

As for sending them pictures when they were kids, it may seem a sweet gesture to you, a little snapshot of happy times.
For your dd1 and dd2, it may be interpreted as a guilt trip.
Remember:the way to hell is paved with good intentions.

Give it some time. Let it cool down. Less emotion will allow you to think more rationally and less impulsive.

I have no doubt that my ex has done nothing to improve comms with my estranged daughters, and has very likely made things worse. My daughters, since my divorce- have been what I would call 'daddy pleasers'. I'm aware this dynamic doesn't help the problem. He is still well off (in contrast, I am an severely underpaid PhD/professor) and my daughters seem to tow his party line at all costs, unsurprisingly given that he gives them an 'unearned' income, cars, expensive equipment, etc. Despite this I had hoped that I could have appealed to his better angels to say something to them, to intervene. I was married to him for 22 years which ended after he physically assaulted me. My one D1 with BPD, also assaulted me twice and earned herself a police record. While she is now married, I don't believe her husband has any idea of her past. I do not and won't share this with my SIL as the news will probably affect their marriage. I like my SIL despite the fact that he says all comms go through my D1, so I don't even have his direct email to reach out to him. I did expel my D1 from my house after she assaulted me several times, last time being 18 years ago. I view our relationship as civil and distant. I theorize that she has reeled in my other D2 and emboldened her to reject me as well. My 4Gkids are all toddlers. I saw them all when they were born, and visited and helped D2 out when she came home from the hospital with her twins. I saw my D12 and 2SIL and all 4 Gkids last Dec 23 at my place where I cooked them all a large Christmas dinner. It was a wonderful occasion. On Dec 24, I went to D2 house where my D2 seemed very upset and stressed, and lashed out verbally at me calling me a 'pathetic mother', not a 'leader' - because I changed a diaper wrong and wasn't paying attention to one of her 3 babies. I don't think that was the reason. I was distraught, stayed for dinner and politely left. I received emails from her the next day saying that I was undeserving of being a grandmother, and that she was cutting me out of her life. I fell into a depression, filled with confusion and needed 4 weeks off work. I consulted an American psychiatrist who told me this was an "act of bullying, of abuse" and that I should cut off all comms with them, not write or reach out to them. I've not been able to do that, as I've been writing them asking them for a' healing conversation'. I've sent them old photos of me with them when they were little, and asked them for their maturity and perspective on this problem. I haven't shared this information with anyone, except for 1 friend who just sobs and breaks down when I tell her what's happened. I don't want to burden her anymore. I don't trust anyone any more to help me. It's almost come to that.

I wonder about your ex-husband's involvement here. Sometimes the ex can be manipulating behind the scenes.

Im with Smileless on this. Sadly, there is not much more you can do. You have reached out to them, sadly, they have made a different choice. I would just leave it for now and get on with your life. Give this time.

Family estrangement is more common that some people realise.

It took me a while myself to realise this. And I searched for sources of information that might help.

Reason why I'm passing on a website to you called 'Stand Alone'...

It is an independent research and help organisation that acknowledges people can be estranged for all kinds of different reasons in all kinds of relationships. They have support groups - even if you are not able to attend one, I wanted to post this here, as I know that many people are affected by this.

In solidarity
Painting

It’s a living bereavement. You’re early days into this but hopefully you have good support from friends, colleagues and other family. Just try to be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.