AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

Dear AEC. Please remember you aren't broken. You aren't doomed to repeat patterns when you truly recognise them. Focus on healing your trauma. Healing yourself will heal all.

I think it's not about letting it go when you have been abused since childhood, it's about letting it in and processing all of the feelings that come. If you try to let it go all these new memories and feelings just pop up when you aren't expecting it x

Evieit's not a good thing that you were abused for sure, but it is a good thing that it's made you "the strong independent woman" you are today.

'Merry Christmas'.

My abusive childhood made me the strong independent woman I am today. Not saying that's a good thing, and there are undoubtedly underlying scars, but I'm proud I came out the other side and I survived, albeit slightly damaged perhaps.

I'm glad you can talk about it here, I hope it helps in some small way.

Christmas highlights what we don't have, either because we never did or because we lost it. We never had our GC but we miss them. Like you, we miss what we could have had but never will.

You are worth all the good things that life has to offer Yennifer. You deserve to be loved; don't let anyone ever again make you feel that you don't, no matter who that person may be.

I didn't get much Internet time this evening but too tired now. Hopefully I can get the children out tomorrow for a welly walk. Hard work keeping them entertained indoors. Christmas eve eve tomorrow!

It's this time of year, when everything is supposed to be picture perfect and us mums run around like our bums are on fire trying to make everything perfect for everyone else. I just wish someone was doing that for me. How can you miss something you never had? I read all this information about it, all these books and articles and all of it explains how I feel and maybe even explains why it has happened but none of it seems to take away all the missing bits. I've worked so hard since I left home so long ago to educate myself and learn and grow as a person but I don't feel it. I don't feel worth it. I definitely don't feel better and I'm starting to worry think I never will. I know that's just this awful low point talking and I wouldn't normally be saying this but right now it's hard to remember that.

I'm really sorry that you are hurt too ladies. Maybe one day we will all find a way to fix it x

We've been estranged from our youngest son for 7 years and have two GC we cannot see. The eldest who will be 8 next year, we haven't seen since 8 months of age, and the youngest we've never seen.

Yennifer you cannot hold onto something that isn't there, I know I tried. Please try to let it go, that's hard to do but you cannot spend your life worrying about something and making yourself ill over something you cannot change.

We didn't emigrate but we moved away, not that great a distance actually but enough to begin a new chapter in our lives. Enough so we wouldn't risk seeing our son and GC which we often did as they lived only 15 doors away from us.

I don't know what it's like to have a mother who didn't love and care for you the way she should have, and the way you deserved, but I do know what the pain of estrangement is like.

Live your life Yennifer, don't waste it on someone who didn't realise how lucky she was to have you for a D and threw you away.

I just want to be the best mum I can be but I am so scared I will fail

Just do your best Yennifer. Noone is a perfect parent but if your children know they are loved and feel secure then you and your husband are doing really well.

I guess so, it's such a shame, I'm tired of making myself ill worrying about it all. My mother emigrated since we estranged and sometimes I wish I had held on because maybe the distance would have made things easier or better between us. Not much I can do now. They saved all their lives for a home abroad. We always had to pretend they owned their house growing up when they didn't, we moved every year or so because of all the lies catching up to her. What is your situation like Smileless2012?

Yes it makes sense Yennifer. You look back to your childhood and you want your children's to be better that yours was.

Wanting to be a better parent doesn't mean you think you are a better parent, but it does bring into focus for your mother perhaps, that she wasn't the mother she should have been, and seeing the mother that you are, could have been!

I'm constantly accused of thinking I am better than them, that's not true, I don't think I am better than them, I just don't think they are good enough for my children. I hope that makes sense.

Wanting better for yourselves and your children is what being "the best mum (you) can be" is all about Yennifer.

Loving your children and doing the best that you can for them, and being the best you can be is all you can do. As long as you do those things you will not and cannot fail.

Don't aplogize for having a rant, that's what the estrangement threads are for.

Hi, I'm really struggling right now. I'm so unhappy and stressed I don't feel like a very good mum to my children. Usually I am very busy, I work in a school but now we are all home for the holiday and stuck in due to rubbish weather and flooding my mental health just hits rock bottom. I really wish I had a proper mum sometimes. I just want to be the best mum I can be but I am so scared I will fail. My husband and I both come from poor/abusive backgrounds and we have a much different outlook for our children, they are all well spoken and doing well at school. Our families still try to drag us into their drama and it makes me want to move far away because I just want better for us and our children.

Sorry for the rant, I'm so fed up. I've worked so hard to get better and sometimes it just all feels too much.

Don't get me wrong, bad EP/EGP'S have figured in my life too

It took me a long time to realise I was a victim of projection. I loved my GP's. But she spoiled it. That's why EP/EGP's need a fair chance. My biological M could have turned milk sour!! Xx

I remember my nan and grandad as being lovely people! Both passed away a long time ago and my mum told me horrible stories. I will never know what was true now x

FF that made me cry. I lost the "golden child" but he and I made up in later life. He suffered more than me I think. I also lost my granny and grandad because of her. I'll never forgive that. That's why I have empathy for EP/EGP'S. If they can do that to us, what can they do to anyone else? Xx

@Mollymalone6 I know that one! I'm so scared of my mum in my 40s I can't even type normally incase she recognises me! Everything was always my fault and I lost a sibling I loved more than anything over this. He became just the same as her and I can't forgive myself x

Madgran simple things like friends mum's wanting to help daughters look good for school dances then cuddling us when our crush didn't want us. Consoling when we didn't get picked for hockey, netball, party. The list goes on and on and on. Having to "bolster" your mother when she's raging. Protecting younger siblings so you took the blows instead! Finally facing the risk when you retaliated. But....its all hidden. And you're so SCARED to tell anyone because you'll get battered again. Welcome to the life of an abused child.

Awww children without mums and mums without children! So sad x

*Ineedamum Thanks Mollymalone6, what I've never ever had in my life is someone to hug me and tell me I'll be OK. I was a mother to my mother.
All my life I've been independent, quiet, and too good a listener, so I'm there for everyone else but nobody is there for me.
Hence the username, I get fed up with being strong all the time*

That is hard Ineedamum I wonder if anyone knows how you feel?

ineedamum for you and a BIG (((hug)))

FF same here. And yes Starblaze started the thread and is thankfully ok although will need an op in the N.Y. x

Did you see the lady who started this has heart troubles? I hope she is okay x