Why you might be estranged... aka the same theme/attitude of EP/EGP's that EAC understand.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Yennifer! IDK about "brilliant with words,' but I'm glad you appreciate my posts.

I understand about the carrots issue, I think. I take it that it's not so much about carrots as it is about your mum dismissing your feelings and trying to make you do something you hated. If it were just about carrots, I'd think perhaps she thought they were really necessary or just got hung up on the idea that you were just being defiant. But since, if I understand correctly, this is just part of the whole picture, I see it as an example of selfishness and abusiveness on her part. Hugs!

I saw a comment somewhere I really related too. When you tell people your stories it's just puzzle pieces. They are only seeing little snapshots that don't make sense on their own. Unless you sit down and put all those pieces together to show the bigger picture you might get judged on what seem like little issues. We are in estrangement though. There is always a bigger picture x

I hope anyone wouldn't think that of me x

Thanks Yogagirl

3nanny you're right, so much is lost to so many when there's estrangement.

3nanny6, was absolutely just having a chat with you there and saying I hope you wouldn't think that x

Yennifer, I do hope you do not take the posts so literally as it seems you sometimes do and this is not me taking a dig at you.

My post which was just before one of yours said as follows:
"Unfortunately for me she won, I was silenced and estranged.

This is my feeling and it only relates to my own daughter and not to any other E.A.C. that may be posting in this thread.
When you did post you wrote
"Please do not think I am crowing about winning" so try not to take thoughts that my words could mean anything about you.
I only know about my own situation and the way I have lost out with my grand-children.
I do validate that you are estranged from your own mother and would say that many of us lose out in these circumstances, you are coming from the other side as you are an E.A.C and I am an EG that does not mean that both of us cannot feel the emotion of our losses any the less.

Smileless2012 Thu 13-Feb-20 17:40:22 - Excellent post

Strange how GNHQ deleted my post replying to Yennifer's request to explain. My reply being that my post was in plain English, so shouldn't need any translating.

That's the right attitude Yennifer. Sometimes it's difficult to ignore posts that are rude and/or upsetting but you don't have to respond.

"Likewise many truly good grand parents may be cut off because the parents too are toxic and want to prevent the children having a support network of extended family". I agree HolyHannah.

In our case our son and our GC due to estrangement, have been prevented from having a support network of extended family.

I really like gransnet. It moves at a nice pace so I can keep up. It's more my age range and I like the topics. Everything was fine until a few days ago and then problems started but I was told I was imagining them. I didn't report those deleted comments becuse they proved me right in what I was saying! Anyway like I said I like it here and I'm just not going to be fussed answering rude things in the estrangement threads x

To elaborate on my meaning of, "Likewise many truly good grand-parents may be cut off because the parents too are toxic and want to prevent the child having a support network of extended family." I meant one set of GP's could be toxic and the parent(s) are like the toxic side... The good GP's could be cut off to prevent the child(ren) having a positive support system.

Starblaze -- I agree and have tried to make that point before. The extremes I am illustrating are of abusive parents and why they are estranged and how common the themes are to AC who have estranged from ABUSERS. Everyone should be shocked and outraged by child abusers regardless of the age of the 'children'.

I wanted to comment on the question in the thread about Grandparent's Rights but since Yennifer stated the point well, I felt no need to add there.

I will add here, because it is a "common theme", the growing movement towards GP rights is part of why many EAC do so prior to the birth of their first child. Just the thought/idea that through "trying to do the right thing" by having their child(ren) get to know their grand-parents it may lead to a future legal battle if contact was established, can be a cause for No Contact.

Likewise many truly good grand-parents may be cut off because the parents too are toxic and want to prevent the child having a support network of extended family.

Also BOTH parties can be abusive and all GP rights do is expose the minor child(ren) to further dysfunction and more abusers.

How you sort out who is who in family dysfunction is the part that is difficult to do. My parents were correct about the level of contact they gave their parents but those same 'not so good' grand-parents would have been correct to say my 'mom' was not a good mother.

Chewbacca -- I am glad that worked for you. How people move on and what they do to cope is not for anyone but the victim/survivor to decide. For many child abuse survivors, talking and feeling heard and believed is important to healing. No one needs/wants to feel invalidated.

When someone dies, those left behind often grieve very differently. Healing from abuse is no different. It is a common theme to hear, "Just move on." which is good advice but judging the way someone does that is wrong.

I never saw myself as ""a victim". Or a "survivor". I estranged myself from my family more than 20 years ago for my own well being. I don't have a single regret. I don't, and never have, beat myself up about it. I've never questioned whether it was the right thing to because I knew, immediately that the decision was taken, that it was the right one. I've not spent 1 hour agonising over my decision or the people I left behind. One has to assume that the decision to walk away from fsmily has not been taken lightly; many hours, weeks, months and years have built up to that point. So once the decision is made, it's best to move on, live your life your own way. Stop looking back and wondering what might have been.

Yennifer you aren't a victim any more you are a survivor. You have made it this far, you stood up every time you were pushed down. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and give as good as you get! Don't let em get you down!

That's OK HolyHannah, we don't want you having to do all the work do we.

DARVO folks... Thanks for all the examples.

Hope to see you elsewhere Yennifer

I think I will leave these threads for a while, a few days ago I was very happy and confident and now I'm just feeling miserable. Maybe see everyone on other topics x

What thoroughly horrible posts Starblaze just as well you're just passing through; with a bit of luck there wont be a "Laters!"

Don't let the door hit your bum on the way out!

Oh Chewbacca! Glad to see you still charge in to say the mean things for Smileless so she can stay looking innocent. Just passing through, sorry to spoil your fun. Laters!

Oh Starblaze! You're back! I've missed your vitriolic, angry posts. You've not changed a bit. Welcome back.

We're not reading from the same script Smileless, so much irony.

It looks as if you've missed SaraGransnet post earlier today at 15.06 when she requested that we "avoid personal attacks and baiting" *Starblaze.

I agree that thread policing should be left to Gransnet; perhaps you should heed your own advice.

So another thread for estranged children but it absolutely has to be about estranged parents and a personal attack on them even though it is clearly about abusive parents only. Unless you are abusive there is absolutely nothing here to knot your knickers about.

Then what? Everyone pile on a clearly vulnerable poster because they know that won't work on the OP HolyHannah because she's got big enough balls to not be hurt by that nonsense.

Who on this thread is getting their comments deleted? Because it's not an estranged child is it?

Give it a rest. Leave the thread policing to Gransnet.