"Yes. I’m talking to you EC." -- Well, I am an Estranged Child and I'm willing to listen...

Thank-you so much for message Starlady and I do not always share the deepest of my moments that gave the family such a terrible time. In fact at least from being on G.N. I have now come across others that also had dysfunctional stories in their family.

Thank-you for condolences of my late brother it will be 3 years tomorrow for his death anniversary so I will spend a few hours with my nephew to reminisce over happier times when his dad was still around. Nephew got himself a lovely rescue dog just after Christmas and is coming on in leaps and bounds with his new companion.

I know it would be to much to bear if I done anything to my nephews mother even though he wants nothing to do with her she is still his maternal mother and as much as I detest her I would never want to lose his love or respect to end up in prison because of her.

In regard of nephews friend you have got it a bit wrong it was my sons friend from junior school just maybe re-read my post. It was my sons friend that started seeing my brothers X. Yes I warned him about her but unfortunately
he did not take the warning. I wrote he got her pregnant she carried the baby full term and gave birth in hospital, but because of her past history the Social Services took the baby away and it was never returned, put up for adoption as far as I know. So that lads life somewhat ruined as well.
My nephew knew about the friend because his mother had him living in the house and yes it was so shocking this young man was only 7 years older than my nephew and yet his mother was running around all over the place with him as if she was a teenager.
The worst is over now sadly dear brother has gone but nephew is settled and as long as the mother keeps her distance we will get through.
Thank-you for all concern.

Oh, 3nanny6, my deepest condolences on the loss of your DB (dear brother).

I am so very sorry, too, about his X and what your nephew must have gone through. TG, he had/has you in his life!

I don't blame you a bit for wanting to run over that woman, but so glad you had the self--restraint not to. Among other reasons, what would it do to your nephew to have his beloved aunt go to prison - and for murdering his mum, no less!

But can hardly get over what you told us about nephew's friend! How awful, awkward, embarrassing, shocking, and - oh, I don't really think I have the words - that must have been for all of you! I am so sorry that happened! But I guess friend was lucky to be warned. I hope he listened.

For OutsideDave and anyone else who needs it x

I hope you take your time for yourself 3nanny goodness knows you've earned it.

I think perhaps the sharing was a bit much but talking does get things off your chest. In regard of my brother he is gone now and nearly all the family dramas are played out. They can be draining and sometimes upsetting.

I would still do the same again just so I knew my nephew had someone he could always talk to if ever needed.
In regard of his mother she has a lot to answer for and she probably will when some of the children in care decide they might want to trace her. (none of that is my problem)
I am glad I had all information to hand about her especially when my sons friend from junior school came to see him only a couple of years ago. We had not seen this boy for a while and now son and his friend are in twenties. Sons friend gets out his phone to show us his latest girl-friend and there you go it's my brothers ex partner, I nearly fell off the chair in shock. We told him to get away from her as fast as he could. The long and short of it being he got her pregnant and because of her past history the baby was taken straight from the hospital by social services and never returned. Have not even seen my sons friend lately. That woman does not care she was over 15 years older than him as well. I said life is sometimes like a script from the Jeremy Kyle show.

All I need these days is peace and quiet and sod the dramas and dysfunction I've done my bit for all around me now it's my time.

I've had to do a similar thing with my brother rosecarmel; "it stung us both when I told my brother no" sums up my experience perfectly.

We used to speak on 'phone several times a week but now he wont take any of my calls so I haven't spoken to him for several months. Emails and texts are ignored.

My children's decisions have everything to do with their upbringing and other influences- The way I see it, it all comes together like water- I'm not about to attempt to separate what portion of the water is me- We can focus on accountability, and responsibility instead of blame-

It's all cause and effect ..

I have concerns about the persistant, ongoing dramas and dysfunctions unfolding for extended family members too, 3nanny6- My brother similarly ran himself into the ground as well, he's gone now-

Listening is the healthiest means of support I can offer- That and continually establishing boundaries- But I've no desire to be the glue, to be looked to to be leaned on, be an anchor or pillar- Its well worth my while to work beside another while they work through their issue, to assist but not assume their responsibility - That little bit of distance leaves enough room to foster mutual respect and learning something from working together -

It stung both of us when I told my brother no- It wasn't a matter of him asking for more than I could offer- But the sad "fact" that it was more than I could- We spoke by phone daily until he knew it was his time, we expressed our love and said goodbye-

It was petrifying honestly Smileless2012 but I think 3nanny6 was probably knocked for a loop by that x

The problem with the information derived from computers Yennifer is it's only as good as the person who puts the information on there to begin with.

Sounds as if "lazy people not updating info properly" is the cause in your case; how frustrating for you not to mention unsettling to have a bailiff on your door step, even if you're not the person they're looking for.

3nanny6 I've had numerous letters from courts and bailiffs and people show up at my door looking for the previous tennant. It's been 7 years, I had to prove who I was in person, send proof through the post and by email and they still keep coming! I think rubbish computer systems are responsible or lazy people not updating info properly x

That does sound strange 3nanny. I hope you enjoy your walk, it's good to get out in the fresh air and blow a few cob webs away.

That's so true Madgran. Other's experience of estrangement may differ to our own but that doesn't make them any less valid.

Starlady always great well balanced contributions.

I think it is a pity that some apparently don't accept that abusive parents exist and some apparently don't accept that abusive ACs exist. And some dont accept that ACs actions are not always the result of their upbringing, other influences are more powerful at points in their life.

It is good when we all can discuss and comment on each others experiences without assumptions and accusations being made even when giving constructive criticism (Starlady you are very good at giving constructive criticism in a way that people can hear, think about and accept!) Long may it last!

Newest post from me just while I was busy on here writing I have had a knock at door and someone with I.D from council offices was looking for my daughter. He would not tell me anything but I just said she has not lived here for years.

I cannot understand why they call at my address as she is in settled housing through the council so they must know her address. Also she is often at council for one thing or another.
I know her address but I said nothing, the man must have thought me strange as he asked was I her mother. I told him yes but said I do not know where she lives. I really need to take that walk.

HH,
I know where you got the OP from.
Some of those estranged parents have serious mental issues.

Thank-you so much for that Smilless2012 I only shared because it seems sometimes on here others do not understand
we also know about others problems and not just our own.

I know saying it took everything within me not to run my car into her is a terrible thing to say and not to do it was even harder but because of her lifestyle and the sort of person she is I did not want to give her the satisfaction of me going to prison on account of her. I know I should not dig an even deeper hole but she would not have known I had gone to prison because I would have made a good job of what I intended for her.
This life is such a learning curve I think I will get the dogs out for a walk and get the calming effects of nature.

Very sorry for your loss 3nanny6. I think this post has been very eye opening for me and I will be a lot more patient and understanding with people in future, even if I don't like what they are saying. They say online you see the best and worst of people, I will remember the middle ground x

So sorry that you lost your brother 3nanny. Your nephew is indeed fortunate to have such a loving and caring aunt in you.

"it took everything within me not to run my car into her"; I had a moment like that once myself so I do understand.

I wanted to just put my recent post to Rosecarmel and did not want to make it an essay as sometimes that is so off putting.

I am on the other side of the coin and am an estranged grand-mother and often people think then there must be more to the story than we know. I can only put my side and not my daughters although I totally hold my hands up and I am sure she would give her account of things very differently.
I just know in our family dynamics I always had to be the bonding glue that held the family together as the family surviving particularly after the death of my mother and father was top priority.
That was not only my family but the family of my brother as my brother was separated from his partner and children were involved. To cut along story short what happened in my brothers dysfunctional household would have put Jeremy Kyle show to shame (hoping you know who he is)
I cannot go into all details as it is long however my brother had a mild heart attack over it and I was supporting him. The ex partner of his after leaving him went right off the rails and several children she had by someone else are now in care system. My brother had one child with her and I helped my brother get the custody of him surprisingly he is quite adjusted in life considering the horrors of what he had seen and knew for several years his mother was just missing gone off with a man somewhere and then she had the cheek to want to see him. My nephew refused and there was nothing she could do about it. It is so sad but my brother passed away two years ago as the stress of it all broke him. I
was the one that had to pick up the pieces of my nephews life. I sorted out his own accommodation and he is housed and managing his life. His a lovely young man but the effects of his mother were damaging to say the least not so much physical but emotional and will never leave him.
To the EAC of abusive parents on here I can tell you now I know quite a lot about that and am in no denial at all it happens.

Rosecarmel I do like your posts and you have written but here is the rub
"The responses the grand-parent receives from supposedly "woke " members can be aggressive and abusive in tone.
I will put my own take on that and just say as the aunt to my nephew (oh I best not forget I am an estranged grand -mother after all) that fairly recently my nephews mother has been rehoused somewhere nearby to us. I was driving somewhere when I spotted her and lo and behold with yet another man I will say now it took everything within me not to run my car into her and do her damage and if she ever goes near him I will make sure it will be for the last time. Once again I have written an essay so not surprise it may not get read.

Always good to keep trying to be better x

Thank you, 3nanny6, for understanding- I appreciate it-

I didn't do my best as a parent - I followed a pattern- Did I know I was? No- Do I know now? Yes- No excuses -

Rosecarmel that was a lovely post and explained everything so much better. I still have a lot of sadness when I hear of how a mother who has those responsibilities to care for her children somehow cannot do it

You certainly had the love for her and because you did not bare a grudge and had no bitterness you have added to your own healing in everything that had happened which indeed gave you a peaceful ending of her life which is what you deserved to have.

Yennifer, to answer your question about people knowing if they are abusive, I don't know- There's tons I didn't realize about dysfunction until mid-life, not a clue- And that includes issues I'd been steadily working at understanding since young adulthood-

What I have noticed about online discussions is that when an estranged grandparent shares their version of a story they're usually freaked out, their emotions tumbling out of control and don't know up from down- They want it to stop- When asked if they heard the roar of the waterfall as their skiff drifted towards it, sometimes they say yes, sometimes no-

But here's the rub .. The responses the grandparent receives from supposedly "woke" members can be aggressive and abusive in tone- But time and again their tone is described as harsh, straightforward, but not what it actually is- Do they know they're being abusive? Some might, some may not-

I think it would be fair to say everyone still has a lot to learn and unlearn ..

For the first time it has happened here and someone has said all the unhelpful things we talked about to me. I am sure they meant well but it is sad that some don't accept abusive mothers x